Jesus Changed the Rules on the Playground

When I was growing up, it mattered a lot to feel like one of the cool kids. On the school playground, around the neighborhood, even with my sisters and cousins at family celebrations. I wanted to be one of the insiders.

Nobody likes feeling on the outs, or getting pushed to the edge of the social circle.

We all want to be insiders.

The ultimate insider

Here’s the thing about Jesus. He’s the ultimate insider. He’s God!

And yet he came and lived like an outsider. He grew a beard, put on the scratchy robe and handmade sandals of his culture, and went to be with sinners and outcasts. He hung out with the uncool kids.

The religious leaders of his day couldn’t stand it. They called him “a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” They meant it as an insult. It was simply true.

Then he took the sin of those outsiders on himself at the cross. He traded his perfect life, his “cool kid” status, for their messed up, broken, rebellious lives. And he treated them like insiders in the kingdom of God.

I talked through what that looks like for us today in a short podcast episode, Living As a Friend of Sinners.

Here’s the truth: we’re all outsiders

We were created in God’s image. And every one of us has chosen a life outside his will, outside his love and protection. We believed we could manage the knowledge of good and evil, right and wrong, for ourselves, better than God could.

That’s not just “those people.” That’s me. That’s all of us.

But Jesus came and changed the rules on the playground. He loved the unlovable outsiders, and he offered grace and forgiveness.

Want a simple place to start living that way? My free eBook Be The Church: Discipleship and Mission Made Simple is yours for the asking. Just tell me where to send it.

I had a pretty small circle

For a lot of years, my own circle wasn’t full of outsiders who’d been invited in.

When my wife Tina and I lived in the Chicago suburbs, we were super involved at a very large church for over nine years. And during those years I didn’t have a single friend who wasn’t already a Christian. Not one.

I was busy. I was serving.

Things looked a lot different after we moved to Tacoma. We opened our home and started paying attention to the people already around us. A group of twenty-somethings who called themselves the Tacoma Party Crew (TPC for short), friends of our own kids, started showing up at our house for more and more meals. They made me their unofficial chaplain. Tina became the official TPC Mom. We talked and laughed and became a family.

None of those friendships started with a program. When we first moved to Tacoma, Tina and I worked hard to figure out the rhythms of the city and our neighborhood. Where did people eat? What parks did they spend time in? Where did they go for fun? Then we just started showing up in those places, regularly.

All we really had to do was be nice to people, ask good questions, listen to their stories, and be a great tipper. As we learned the names of the folks who worked in those places, they started remembering ours, and introducing us to their friends.

Over the years, those friendships turned into a lot of life together. I got to counsel people, perform weddings and funerals, pray with folks, help people financially, teach some of them to cook, and show a few how to set up a household budget. Not because they were targets or goals. Because they had become friends and family.

That’s what changes when we remember we were outsiders too. The table gets bigger. It’s a big reason I think weekly family dinners are such a game-changer for discipleship.

We get to do what Jesus did

Jesus accepted us and willingly took our sins on himself. That’s why we now willingly go and accept and serve others. Not to earn anything. Because we’ve been loved like that first.

We get to shoulder the burdens of others by taking up their pain and sharing their messes, like Jesus did for us. We invite them to the party. We spend time loving the “unlovable” people of the world because we have been loved by Jesus.

I wrote a lot more about living as a friend of sinners, and the way it reshaped our family, in my book Small Is Big, Slow Is Fast.

Who are your outsiders?

So here’s the question I’d love for you to sit with.

Who are the people in your life, right now, today, that most of us would quietly put in the “outsider” category? The coworker nobody eats lunch with. The neighbor with the messy yard. The family at school that always seems to be in crisis.

How much time do you spend with them? What would it look like to offer them a seat at the table and bring them into the party with you?

Prefer a quick video on this? I recorded a short one you can pass along to your team or friends: Are You One of the Cool Kids?

Here’s a simple way to start noticing in your own week. Ask the same questions Tina and I asked when we moved to Tacoma: Where do the people around me already eat, play and hang out? Who do I see there over and over but have never learned their name? Start with one name.

You don’t have to fix anybody. Just make room. That’s what Jesus did for every one of us.

Who comes to mind for you?

FAQ

Q1: How do I start a friendship with someone I’d normally overlook without it feeling like a project?
Start with ordinary things you’re already doing: eating, walking the dog, kids’ games, a coffee run. Learn their name and remember it. People can tell the difference between being a target and being wanted, so let it be real friendship with no hidden agenda.

Q2: What if my church or small group is mostly “insiders”?
That’s common, and it doesn’t need a big program to change. Ask each person to name one outsider in their everyday life and pray for them by name. Then make a habit of inviting one of those people to something that’s already happening, like a meal or a backyard get-together.

Q3: What about people whose lives are genuinely messy or whose choices I disagree with?
That’s exactly who Jesus spent time with. Being a friend isn’t the same as approving of everything, and it doesn’t mean dropping your convictions. It means being present, listening, and letting your love for them be obvious long before you ever offer advice.