Reclaim the Passion in Your Marriage
After years of marriage, the passion in a relationship can quietly fade into the routine of everyday life. Not because love is gone — but because pursuit has stopped. Romance doesn’t disappear all at once. It just gets squeezed out by schedules, fatigue, and the assumption that she knows you love her.
In this episode of the Everyday Disciple Podcast, Caesar teaches 7 practical ways to romance your wife all year long — not just on holidays. You’ll discover why God is the model of relentless pursuit in marriage, the difference between love and romance, and how intentional pursuit is the best safeguard your marriage has against future crisis.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- The difference between love and romance — and why both require intentionality
- Why “falling in love” fades and what to do about it
- How God models relentless pursuit in marriage — and how to follow his lead
- 7 specific ways to romance your wife all year, starting today
From this episode:
“Putting intentionality and effort into romancing your wife over the course of your lives together and maintaining a deep romantic connection is the best way to safeguard your marriage against future crisis.”
Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.
Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…
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Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Coaching and Apprenticeship in Missional Living w/ Caesar and his wife, Tina
Resources for missional living and group training – Missio Publishing
5 Steps To An Awesome Date Night With Your Spouse
https://www.caesarkalinowski.com/5-steps-to-an-awesome-date-night-with-your-spouse/
Transcript
There's this glaring difference actually between what the Bible teaches is actual true love and what romance is.
Speaker:What about the idea of falling in love with somebody, which is often tied together with the concept of romance?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:This, I like to, I wanna be in love, or I don't feel like I'm in love anymore.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:So oftentimes romances or relationships, or romantic relationships begin with this awesome sense of falling in love.
Speaker:Which can be pretty intoxicating.
Speaker:This act of sort of quote unquote falling in love produces actually, like this is true.
Speaker:It produces a chemical explosion in our brain, similar to that experience with certain drug use.
Speaker:Really,
Speaker:huh?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Science teaches us that when we're falling in love with someone, like becoming infatuated that way, our brain gets flooded with adrenaline and dopamine and serotonins, which are all those feel good chemicals their body can produce.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And other things can produce 'em.
Speaker:But when you're falling in love, you kind of get this mega dose of all of them.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Which causes to wanna return to the source of that awesome feeling.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So you start to feel bonded and like I just think of her all day.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:' cause she, 'cause I was freaking going nuts with adrenaline and dopamine and serotonin and, and it feels great.
Speaker:Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated.
Speaker:Faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
Speaker:In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle.
Speaker:This is the stuff your parents, pastors and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.
Speaker:And now here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.
Speaker:Hey, it's good to be with you as always, Heath.
Speaker:I love doing this with you, man.
Speaker:It's,
Speaker:it's fun, isn't it?
Speaker:It's super fun and I love the feedback that we get on our Facebook group.
Speaker:And that's growing and growing.
Speaker:We gonna talk to people more and more.
Speaker:So the whole thing is just fun.
Speaker:It seriously is a labor of love.
Speaker:It feels like, sorry to interrupt, but uh, it feels like you've written books.
Speaker:I've written a book, I did an album.
Speaker:You've done albums and it's like a la you know, you got this, A lot of effort goes into it, and then you actually are holding the thing in your hands and you're like, oh, this feels good.
Speaker:It's worth it completely.
Speaker:And
Speaker:it's out like nearly immediately with
Speaker:weight.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:We get to do it with this show.
Speaker:You
Speaker:write
Speaker:the script and it's a lot, but when it comes out and people talk about how much they love it, it's great.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Digging it.
Speaker:So, and I'm excited about, uh, today's topic.
Speaker:I, yeah.
Speaker:People might have already tuned out if they're like, oh, I'm not married, or like, I'm ticked off at my spouse already, or, you know, I wanna be married.
Speaker:I'm not.
Speaker:So Valentine's Day bums Mary, or whatever.
Speaker:Hold tight.
Speaker:There's some good news in here for all of us.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And as well as the seven ways.
Speaker:For the guys to romance their wife.
Speaker:And by the way too, I know a lot of ladies listen to stuff like this so they can like, oh yeah, this is what my husband needs to learn.
Speaker:Killed
Speaker:some.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:This is gonna work both directions by the way.
Speaker:I am, I am, you know, we're two guys sitting here, so we're gonna talk to dudes.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:But I think you'll see pretty quickly, and when we get down to the list of seven really cool things you can do to romance your spouse, it kind of works both ways.
Speaker:So there you have it.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:so what's the, uh, what do you guys do typically on Valentine's?
Speaker:You guys are, you guys go out to dinner, you guys go see a movie?
Speaker:Mean, do you treat it like a Hallmark holiday?
Speaker:Not a big deal.
Speaker:Well, um, no, I, I don't, I don't know, you know, it's not like TV movie, uh, Valentine's Day, mo, you know, romcom in our house, but I, we usually do something.
Speaker:Yeah, usually we will go.
Speaker:Uh, a little fancier will go a little nicer.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Um, a little, uh, dressed up a little better meal.
Speaker:Oh, cool.
Speaker:Um, try not to do a movie necessarily 'cause then you just sit in silence.
Speaker:Yeah, sure.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:I mean, it's not the worst together and sometimes we do that on date nights, but, uh, um, and like, so right now I just have, I don't even know if Tina knows this, but I have it not, I have the, like the, the bulk of the second half of the day blocked out.
Speaker:Oh, cool.
Speaker:For some stuff I'm kind of working on and I was kind of thinking of making it a whole day.
Speaker:Fun.
Speaker:So I have the flexibility, you know, in my schedule sometimes to do that.
Speaker:And she's certainly worth that.
Speaker:Tina and I have been married, uh, 35 years already.
Speaker:Dang, that's
Speaker:old.
Speaker:You know, when I started, like, we got married at eight, so I'm not that old, but I mean, but, uh, it's a long time ago and, and I've
Speaker:seen, you know, we need to, we need to put, um, a wedding photo up on the Facebook group because I've seen some of the pictures, man.
Speaker:They're pretty crazy.
Speaker:Is it 83?
Speaker:What year was it?
Speaker:You remember the year?
Speaker:It was
Speaker:35 years
Speaker:ago.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So 83.
Speaker:I was born in 83 then.
Speaker:Yeah, that's one.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:So like to be your father, brother.
Speaker:We'll put a picture of, of your,
Speaker:but anyway, she's the best and I'm looking forward to it actually.
Speaker:That's, uh, that's, so when you're hearing this episode, it's just in a couple days.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So we're recording this a little sooner than that, but, and if you hear it after Valentine's Day, um, that's okay.
Speaker:This is stuff you're gonna see.
Speaker:This is stuff that's gonna just help and be awesome.
Speaker:All year long.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:you know, so God has given us, uh, each a need to know and to know love, and to be known, and also for us to be loved.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Maybe we could take a, just a couple minutes and look at the difference between love and romance.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Talk.
Speaker:Good.
Speaker:Set.
Speaker:Talk the table about those.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:What about the root origin of the word romance?
Speaker:Where's that come from?
Speaker:Well, I'm gonna give you the, I'm gonna give you the both.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:I'm gonna give you love and romance.
Speaker:Um, and boy, I'll tell you what you wanna look up.
Speaker:Definition of love.
Speaker:It's like wide ranging out there.
Speaker:So for our definition, definition of love.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:I'm gonna take it straight from scripture.
Speaker:Go for it.
Speaker:I, you know, it's like then, you know, I, I don't always, but yeah.
Speaker:But I am gonna, today I think it's, it's a beautiful starting place First John three 16.
Speaker:How nice that we have John three 16 and First John three 16.
Speaker:Easy remember, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Great.
Speaker:He says, this is how we know what love is.
Speaker:So this is what we're trying to get to the definition.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:So key here is love.
Speaker:Is this laying your life down for someone else?
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:I mean, just let that soak in a little bit.
Speaker:I don't wanna rush past that too much.
Speaker:This is how we know what love is that Jesus, and he's saying if anybody did it really.
Speaker:Lay down their life for you, so we ought to do the same.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So laying down your preferences, your 'cause people say, well lay down your life.
Speaker:I'd be willing to die.
Speaker:I'll, I'll jump in front of a bullet for my wife.
Speaker:It's like, cool.
Speaker:Hope that never happens.
Speaker:Probably won't happen, you know?
Speaker:Good one idea.
Speaker:How about laying down your preferences, you know, on the TV show or timing or what we do, or when we eat, or when we leave, or what we go or what we do on vacation?
Speaker:Your choices that lay down your time, your money.
Speaker:You know, like spending money just 'cause it blesses your wife or your family and it blesses your wife.
Speaker:It's because of that.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Um, your efforts laying down your, you know, like some effort towards something like get that honey to do list, you know?
Speaker:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker:Tighten up.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:How about your creativity?
Speaker:So it's not just like, yeah, well we do, we go on dates and we always do the exact same thing as boring, you know?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Get creative, like search up the Googles, there's a million things out there.
Speaker:How about laying down bad habits?
Speaker:Like, I know this ticks my wife off, but.
Speaker:Or, or my wife, whatever.
Speaker:So we can, and get to do this as a way of life as Christians.
Speaker:Because see, we're now in Christ.
Speaker:We're one with him and we've been sacrificially loved by him.
Speaker:So we know what love is like.
Speaker:I don't know if I've been like, he died for you.
Speaker:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker:So we get to, in turn, do the same for others as a way of glorifying God.
Speaker:And by glorifying we mean showing others what he's life.
Speaker:That's why we exist, like let's show others.
Speaker:The true love of Christ when we lay down our preferences, our choices, our time, our money, right?
Speaker:All that we laid out.
Speaker:So now our wives.
Speaker:Would definitely fall into that category of a sister, you know, in that verse, right?
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:So it says, you know, right to, uh, we ought to lay down our lives for brothers and sisters, but she would be a very, very special sister.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:And one that we also get to not only love and lay our life down for, but to romance and have romance with.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:So here's a definition of romance, and I, there was a few out there, but they were all kind of around this one, so I grab this one.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:It says, A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.
Speaker:Huh.
Speaker:That's
Speaker:cool.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:It is cool.
Speaker:The
Speaker:mysterious side of it.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like excitement, kinda kind of stoked about it.
Speaker:And I'm a little mysterious, I'm not sure.
Speaker:It's like I would love if Tina only sees on the calendar a big, huge block for Valentine's Day.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And she's a little excited and a little mysterious, like, I don't know, I'll, you'll see what happens, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:See it's pretty cool, right?
Speaker:That's cool, man.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So, um, a lot of times you can see the difference.
Speaker:There's this glaring difference actually between what the Bible teaches is actual true love and what romance is.
Speaker:What about the idea of falling in love with somebody, which is often tied together with the concept of romance?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:This, I like to, I wanna be in love, or I don't feel like I'm in love anymore.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:So oftentimes romances or relationships, or romantic relationships begin with this awesome sense of falling in love, which can be pretty intoxicating.
Speaker:This act of.
Speaker:Sort of quote unquote, falling in love produces actually, like this is true.
Speaker:It produces a chemical explosion in our brains similar to that experience with certain drug use.
Speaker:Really?
Speaker:Huh?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Science teaches us that when we're falling in love with someone, like becoming infatuated that way, our brain gets flooded with adrenaline and dopamine and serotonins, which are all those chemicals that our body can produce.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And other things can produce 'em.
Speaker:But when you're falling in love, you kind of get this mega dose of all of them.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Which causes to wanna return to the source of that awesome feeling.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So you start to feel bonded and like I just think of her all day.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:' cause she, 'cause I was freaking going nuts with adrenaline and dopamine and serotonin and, and it feels great.
Speaker:Like a drug high.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But because this feels so good, we can also become addicted to romance or that initial sort of, you know, boom of falling in love and be, and um, and sometimes we think that that's what we should, that's what our whole marriage should feel like.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:And it could be sustained for our entire relationship.
Speaker:And so often we end up feasting on like what is often called to, I, I use this term.
Speaker:Emotional porn such as, you know, like sexy romance novels.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Or like dinging out on romcoms, you know, romantic comedies.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Or watching super sexually themed TV shows and that, that all just sort of sets us up for unreal, unrealistic expectations in our real life, in our ongoing marriages and relationships.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:And I've read some researchers who estimate that the human brain can only sustain that, that type of intense love, like in love kind of feeling for about two years at the most.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:Hopefully.
Speaker:Then by that time, a couple has worked on deepening their love and their respect and their commitment during that time so that when the intense feelings of being in love taper off, then a deeper love and a lifelong romance kicks in, it starts to take that its place.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Now side note, for those addicted to romance, this tapering off often signals to them and it's, well, it's time to find another person who will induce the same euphoria.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:It's like that, you know, song, like, I don't know who originally did it, but I think I can hear it in my head, Elvis, you lost that love and feeling.
Speaker:I think it was maybe the Righteous Brothers first, then Elvis or whatever.
Speaker:It's like, yeah, you may have lost that love and feeling.
Speaker:Get to work on it.
Speaker:You know, like that's what romance kicks in.
Speaker:Like bring some mystery and excitement back into your relationship.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:And you were right about the Righteous Brothers, by the way.
Speaker:Was I?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Well thanks.
Speaker:You've all done,
Speaker:man.
Speaker:Appreciate that.
Speaker:So are we hardwired for romance?
Speaker:Because it seems like throughout scripture we can see God romancing and even pursuing us.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Uh, maybe we could go through some of the examples of him doing so in scripture.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:There's a ton.
Speaker:I'm not gonna take a crazy amount of time, but you're absolutely right there that there, there is this, in fact, there's a book that I love.
Speaker:I have you ever read the book by Gene Edwards called Divine Romance?
Speaker:No.
Speaker:It's kind of a Christian classic.
Speaker:I mean, I think he's still alive, but it's, I mean, it's within our lifetimes and it takes a wide look and a walk through kind of the whole Bible in narrative form.
Speaker:But it paints the entire story of God and his creation and his interaction with mankind as a divine romance happening.
Speaker:Huh.
Speaker:And it is beautiful, man.
Speaker:Uh, it is super well written and it is beautiful.
Speaker:It's why it's a classic.
Speaker:And I think in scripture we see God's pursuit of a, like you said, already.
Speaker:Over and over right from the beginning.
Speaker:We see God's walking in the cool of the day with Adam and Eve.
Speaker:Um, it says that he joined them in a committed relationship between the three of them, right?
Speaker:Taught them how to live life in the best possible way.
Speaker:When they sin against God, even, and they're hiding and blaming each other, God goes looking for them, pursuing them.
Speaker:Where are you?
Speaker:And we see God's continual pursuit of Israel and actually all of mankind throughout.
Speaker:All of the Bible, just over and over.
Speaker:And I think, I mean, I'd be remiss to not to bring the obvious up.
Speaker:We definitely see the sacrificial pursuit and love of God that was laid down in the life, you know, and death and resurrection of Jesus.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:And it's not a dopamine sort of infatuated in the moment.
Speaker:Kinda love that Jesus had.
Speaker:It's a deeper, mysterious pursuit of us where we're overwhelmed.
Speaker:The God of the universe loves and patiently pursues us our entire lives.
Speaker:So even after we say, well, I'm already a Christian, guess what?
Speaker:God's still pursuing you in depth.
Speaker:He's still pursuing you, that you would know his love and love deeper.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:That you would, that the mystery of who he is and, and, and the depth of grace.
Speaker:Oh, it's scandalous.
Speaker:Like even I act this way and God still loves me, like all that stuff.
Speaker:And you go like, oh.
Speaker:Man, I wanna be that way with my wife.
Speaker:I want Tina to feel like even when this happens or when she forgets to do that or like it hurts me or whatever, it's like, and he still loves me.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like fully and lays his life down for me.
Speaker:I mean, that's what's going on all throughout scripture.
Speaker:And we see that, and again, it that becomes our model.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:Like not because we're supposed to or we have to.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And God won't love us if we don't, but 'cause he already loves us perfectly, his pursuit never ends.
Speaker:And by the way too, there's a book by Tim Keller called The Meaning of Marriage.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And I'll put both these books in the show notes.
Speaker:But the meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller really will help get to a deeper understanding of love and romance and why God gave us marriage.
Speaker:This most beautiful display of the gospel and his love for us.
Speaker:It's powerful.
Speaker:It's cool.
Speaker:Um, I give, I give it out a lot.
Speaker:Like when I'm doing premarital counseling, I'll like assign it.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:My kids have read it and like, dad, holy cow.
Speaker:You know, no offense, a whole lot of this wasn't displayed in the household when we were kids.
Speaker:I'm like, I know.
Speaker:There's so much good stuff in there.
Speaker:You know.
Speaker:Let's talk about those who might be feeling a little left out.
Speaker:The singles of widows.
Speaker:Uh.
Speaker:We, we, we want this episode to connect easily with married folks, but what thoughts would you have for people who are not in a marriage and sometimes actually find it hard to hear about these sorts of conversations?
Speaker:Yeah, I know sometimes it just kind of feels like, it's like a reminder of something I don't yet have or really desire.
Speaker:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker:And I get it.
Speaker:And I have many friends who, you know, are not married and some of 'em wanna be, some don't, and some who are waiting to be married and all that.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:sure.
Speaker:I wanna, I wanna say that your worth does not lie in your relationship status.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:That's good, man.
Speaker:I know the world says it a lot.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like, you know, like, not like maybe exactly in those ways, but it, like, it's so just broadcast.
Speaker:Just watch tv.
Speaker:Like look at everything, even how we talk about it.
Speaker:Um, we, we've looked at, we've looked at this before, you know, and talked about it.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Your worth is found not in your relational status, but it's found in Christ alone.
Speaker:Just go read Ephesians two, four to seven.
Speaker:Just read that over and over.
Speaker:Every person's priceless in the ice of God.
Speaker:He loves us.
Speaker:Yeah, he loves you.
Speaker:He loves you deeply, and that'll never change based on your relational status.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:So often we attach value to our perceived desirability, and we start to think like, oh, well if I can't, you know, if I, if I'm not desirable enough for, you know, a spouse.
Speaker:Then maybe God sees me that way or whatever.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And we do that.
Speaker:And that often changes depending on whether we are in a romantic relationship at the time or not.
Speaker:But in the eyes of God, you're always in consistently worth more than precious Jules.
Speaker:In fact, you were worth enough that he would die for you.
Speaker:Amazing.
Speaker:That the father would send the son to die for you.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So I just, I just wanna remind you listening to that.
Speaker:And so it's, it's okay to still desire.
Speaker:I wanna have romance in my life.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:But, but please don't let it.
Speaker:Don't let it speak into your identity and your worth and your value to God and to everybody else.
Speaker:That actually reminds me of an episode we did a while back with Cutter Callaway as a special guest.
Speaker:As we talked about what it means to redefine actually the value of marriage in the singleness as Christians.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So that if, that's one that I would encourage you guys to go back and listen to.
Speaker:It's episode one 70.
Speaker:Uh, I'm redefining
Speaker:about, I mean, she had some brilliant stuff in there about how we talk about marriage and, and the church talks about, and Christians talk about it and how it sort of devalues singles yet, and everybody starts out singles.
Speaker:So, I mean, it's just, it was brilliant.
Speaker:It's good.
Speaker:Yeah, it's
Speaker:really great.
Speaker:It's, what was the episode number on the
Speaker:episode number one 70?
Speaker:Great.
Speaker:Alright.
Speaker:Hey, Caesar, with, with, uh, Valentine's Day right around the corner, let's get to some super practical ways that husbands can lovingly pursue and romance their wives.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:And maybe this is good for the whole year long, not just for one, uh, hallmark Holiday.
Speaker:And this also works as well for the wives to love their husbands as
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Backwards.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yep, yep.
Speaker:Absolutely right.
Speaker:It goes both ways.
Speaker:It's good all year.
Speaker:So I'll give you some stuff that's great.
Speaker:You can do this.
Speaker:I, if you want to kick in on some of this, on Valentine's Day, you go for that, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Two days.
Speaker:But it really is about ways to romance your wife all the time, or maybe to start to rekindle an old spark.
Speaker:Now, before I give you these, okay?
Speaker:These seven ways, um, disclaimer about my own performance here.
Speaker:I, you know, we talk about stuff like, oh, we're experts, you know, we know everything about everything.
Speaker:Um, I can grow in the area of romancing my wife.
Speaker:Me too, man.
Speaker:You know, and I, I absolutely can and I want to, and I am, uh, I mean from, from before to now.
Speaker:And compared to like my folks and my upbringing, yet God's been gracious to both of us Sure.
Speaker:To have a lot more love and romance in our marriage.
Speaker:But I just want a disclaimer about this.
Speaker:And honey, if you're listening, uh, let all these be true of me for you and you for me.
Speaker:Okay?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So here's seven ways we can kind of.
Speaker:Keep that flame alive and romance your wife.
Speaker:Okay?
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:And I wanna just give a shout out to, uh, to all pro dads.
Speaker:It's a great post, uh, blog, post site, blog site, uh, for some of these tips.
Speaker:Okay?
Speaker:They were great and this is powerful.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:So here's the first one.
Speaker:Um, learn her language of love and then use it every day.
Speaker:Learn your wife's language of love, her love language.
Speaker:Um, go and read Five Love Languages.
Speaker:The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:It is sold.
Speaker:We just talked
Speaker:about this this week.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You and I se
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It's a trillion copies sold for a good reason.
Speaker:Lemme give you the five love languages.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Like we all receive love in different ways real quick.
Speaker:But he, he will completely dig into all these with you.
Speaker:One is gifts, like receiving of gifts.
Speaker:People feel love, uh, quality time spent together.
Speaker:Some people, that's their love language.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Others.
Speaker:It's words of affirmation.
Speaker:That's mine.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Um, I think mine too.
Speaker:Uh, acts of service, that's another one.
Speaker:Like when you serve that person, they really feel loved.
Speaker:That's my wive's.
Speaker:Um, physical touch.
Speaker:Like just physical touch.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And a physical affection.
Speaker:That's their love language.
Speaker:That was my mom's.
Speaker:Um, so figure out what you can do to become fluent in your wife's love language and then use what you've learned every day.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Second one.
Speaker:Date your wife.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:You know, have you taken your wife on a proper romantic date lately?
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:You know, have you, and if you were to ask her out, like on a date today, would she be excited and say yes?
Speaker:Would she be like shocked?
Speaker:You know, would she want to?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:You must have been pretty good at this at one time or she wouldn't have married you guys, so why?
Speaker:Stop.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Don't stop.
Speaker:Um, one dated a month minimum.
Speaker:I wanna suggest.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Um, and, you know, so well babysitting stuff.
Speaker:Hey, if you have one other friend with kids, then just, and we know a lot of people doing this swap out.
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:just swap out some babysitting.
Speaker:Um, use your imagination, get creative.
Speaker:Make it a little special.
Speaker:Uh, don't worry about it.
Speaker:Like, oh, it's perfect.
Speaker:Whatever.
Speaker:Just be wacky and throw yourself into it.
Speaker:She will love it.
Speaker:Hey, let's jump into episode 5 84.
Speaker:You're like, I don't know how to do this.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Was how to plan awesome dates with your spouse.
Speaker:So episode 5 84, if you need some, some killer ideas.
Speaker:Yeah, great.
Speaker:You can Google it or just go to our site and dig around.
Speaker:Great.
Speaker:Uh, third one.
Speaker:Compliment your wife today and every day.
Speaker:Daily compliments.
Speaker:It's always easier to see the bad in people than good.
Speaker:And you know, most of us are just natural judgers.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Like we're just kind of always in judgmental mode and it leaks out so it's easy to speak up when your wife's doing something wrong, but most of us don't think to offer praise when she's on her game.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:So daily compliments help you focus on the positive things that you like about her and shows her that you're noticing that and that you care.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Every day give your partner at least one genuine compliment.
Speaker:They can be general like, wow, you're fun to be with her.
Speaker:That was really fun.
Speaker:Doing that together or something more specific, like, I appreciate that you were on time when we left today.
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:right.
Speaker:You know, one of the things that we talked about, uh, Kathleen and I were over the other night and you said it's a little cheese ball, but if you're not like the encourager in that rhythm, like don't think it's below yourself to put it in your calendar, like pop it in your iPhone and like five 15 when you get home.
Speaker:As you're driving home, remind you to think of a compli when you
Speaker:get home, walk in the door and compliment your wife on something.
Speaker:Yeah, that smells great.
Speaker:You look great to,
Speaker:yeah.
Speaker:Pop in the, pop in the calendar.
Speaker:You have to, the kids clean up the toys, you know?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Just until it becomes a habit.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Don't, don't worry about it.
Speaker:Like, well, that seems mechanical.
Speaker:Hey, better than not doing it until it becomes a habit.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Uh, fourth one.
Speaker:This one's gonna poke a few people in the chest a little bit.
Speaker:All right.
Speaker:Take care of yourself.
Speaker:This is how you romance your wife, take care of yourself.
Speaker:Like check the scales once in a while.
Speaker:Think about how you dress around your wife.
Speaker:Throw away cigarettes, if you know or other over indulgences in your life.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Like that.
Speaker:Bug her.
Speaker:Like you know, it's not healthy and she's wondering if you're gonna be alive or whatever.
Speaker:Start to get some regular exercise.
Speaker:Don't be a s slob all the time.
Speaker:You know, like when she sees you, does she take a second look?
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:Or does she look away?
Speaker:You know, like I'm thinking about now, like, my wife hates my mustache, but everybody else's life loves it.
Speaker:I'm like, oh, I'm really convicted.
Speaker:She's, she gets like double, triple vote for sure.
Speaker:But like, she's outvoted, but, you know, and I'm feeling convicted.
Speaker:Um, does the way you represent yourself tell your wife that you want her to be attracted to you?
Speaker:Huh?
Speaker:Or do you take all that for granted?
Speaker:So take care of yourself?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And she'll notice, she'll notice that.
Speaker:That's good, man.
Speaker:My, uh, my wife, my, uh, my daughter's Kristen, her husband Daniel.
Speaker:Um, he always dresses great.
Speaker:Even if he's got jeans and t-shirt on, you're like, but man, it's spanking, it's tight.
Speaker:The cool shoes with it.
Speaker:Your hair's always like bing.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:You know, that guy lives on point.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:he does.
Speaker:And I know it's, it's, it's primarily for Kristen.
Speaker:It's great.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It's cool.
Speaker:Five.
Speaker:Uh, say I love you and say it often.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:Number one, sort of wrong attitude misnomer.
Speaker:Believed by unromantic men is like, well, I shouldn't have to say I love her.
Speaker:She should know it.
Speaker:You know, I told her at the altar, you know, wrong, eh, you know.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Like, first Peter three, seven says, husbands.
Speaker:Live with your wives in an understanding way.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:And today, I want you to understand and believe that she needs to hear it from you often.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:How about, how about an I love you phone call once in a while.
Speaker:I just, that's all, honey.
Speaker:Just call to tell you that boom gonna blow her mind.
Speaker:Or a text or a simple card.
Speaker:You slip into her purse.
Speaker:You know, who knows when she'll see it, but when she does, man.
Speaker:She's gonna love it.
Speaker:Or maybe a little midweek lunch date or flowers with a little I love you.
Speaker:Card delivered to her office.
Speaker:Super.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Tell you what, your wife will never get tired of hearing that you love her and she needs to hear it often.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:While you're at it, tell her that she's beautiful.
Speaker:That little bonus, right?
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:We all love that.
Speaker:Number six, be a gentleman and be kind.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Gentlemen are courteous, they're respectful, they're well-mannered.
Speaker:They're faithful, they're generous, they're modest and charming.
Speaker:Stand up when your wife leaves the table.
Speaker:Seems corny.
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Pull the chair out for her.
Speaker:How about that?
Speaker:Um, one of my mentors, pastor Johnny Jenkins, his wife, Ruth, they're so dear in our life.
Speaker:Um, he, I've never, we've been out to dinner with them a gazillion times.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Very close in our lives.
Speaker:I've never seen Johnny not pull out the chair for Ruth.
Speaker:Really?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:I've, he's always done it and sometimes, you know, it's kind of awkward and it's hard.
Speaker:It's almost unnecessary.
Speaker:Nope.
Speaker:No, not for Johnny.
Speaker:And not for Ruth.
Speaker:They just, he's always done it and like, we'd go out and like, oh, I guess I should do it too.
Speaker:And it, it looks like, well, you're only doing it 'cause he did it.
Speaker:Like, but it's still better, you know?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It's cool.
Speaker:So do you still open a car door for your wife or, you know, bring her a cup of tea once in a while or wash your.
Speaker:Tell what Tina does that for me all the time.
Speaker:It's like, I wash your car today and filled it up with gas.
Speaker:Like, aw, that's so cool.
Speaker:It's the best, right?
Speaker:Um, deliver an unexpected embrace.
Speaker:You know, come up behind and hug her.
Speaker:I remember one time Tina says, I love when you hug me in public, or I love when you like, rubbed my hair and like touched my neck in front of some other people today.
Speaker:You know, it's just little things, right?
Speaker:Little
Speaker:things.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Foot rub maybe with some candles.
Speaker:You light for dinner.
Speaker:Why are you doing that?
Speaker:I don't know, honey just felt romantic tonight, right?
Speaker:So you want romance?
Speaker:Be a gentleman.
Speaker:Be Mr. Kindness.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:You get the picture?
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:And then seventh, the seventh tip here or thing is spend some uninterrupted time together.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:Uninterrupted being the key word there.
Speaker:Um.
Speaker:You know, there's only 160 hour, 168 hours in each week.
Speaker:Every week comes around bing, bing, bing.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:That number never changes.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Um, the amount of time we offer our relationship with our wife will act like a vote as to how much we value her.
Speaker:And back up our words when we say, well, I say, I love you.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But yeah, but man, you, I never have any time with you.
Speaker:That's not like 10 other things going on, or your phone is in your hand.
Speaker:Big one.
Speaker:Yeah, big one.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Thank God for, what's it called?
Speaker:Phone time now app or whatever.
Speaker:It tells you how many hours and all that.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Screen time.
Speaker:And I won't name any names, but people very close to us and our family, you know, on mission together.
Speaker:Uh, there's some people really bearing down on their spouse to go like, you gotta get your phone outta your hand.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You know, it's there.
Speaker:So romance, like anything else worthwhile is worth the investment of our time.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:You know, and attention and, and uninterrupted attention.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So also I'd suggest spend some time each week or ideally daily.
Speaker:Praying together with your wife.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:I know it seems hard and sometimes it's a tough rhythm to get into at least weekly, but if you can do it more often than that's awesome.
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:When's the last time you did that?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You know, it shows your love for her and your family.
Speaker:'cause often that's what you're praying for together and it nurtures a deeper level of care that I'm gonna tell you will prime her heart and your relationship for other types and forms of romance and closeness.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You know, it's, uh, one thing we've started doing that actually got the recommendation from you is, uh.
Speaker:Put in the iPhone, the audio book at nighttime as you go to bed.
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:just listening to a chapter.
Speaker:Lights off.
Speaker:Can just ask me that again.
Speaker:Can we start like setting that, you know the clock?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And like even if the show's not whatever, like let's just start listening to a book and
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Go
Speaker:about nine 15.
Speaker:So see, good reminder.
Speaker:Appreciate that.
Speaker:Coming back like a boomerang brother.
Speaker:If we haven't given you enough already, we're gonna keep giving you more with the big three.
Speaker:These are the big three takeaways we want you to leave with from the episode.
Speaker:So if you haven't had a chance to, to write it down as we were talking, uh, you can go get this for free.
Speaker:It's beautifully written out for you ready to print.
Speaker:All you gotta do is go to everyday Disciple dot com slash big three right now.
Speaker:Caesar, what are the big three for this week?
Speaker:Okay, big three are, first off, God never stopped and never stops pursuing us.
Speaker:In a relationship.
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:and in the same way, let the love that you've received from Christ lead you to pursue your God-given lifelong mate partner.
Speaker:Let the grace that you continually show your wife lead her to love you more.
Speaker:And see God at work in and through you.
Speaker:That's great.
Speaker:It's
Speaker:beautiful, right?
Speaker:Yeah, it is, man.
Speaker:Um, secondly, romantic love is the long-term deepest.
Speaker:Kinda love putting intentionality and effort into romancing your wife over the course of your lives together and maintaining a deep, romantic connection.
Speaker:It's the best way to safeguard your marriage against future crisis and periods of coldness and distance and all that.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:So how you spend your time will either show your wife that you love her and value her.
Speaker:Or it'll broadcast that you don't care that much about her and take her in your marriage for granted.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:So invest in that long-term, romantic type of love.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:That's good.
Speaker:Uh, third, it's never a bad idea to start with.
Speaker:I'm sorry.
Speaker:I'm sorry, honey.
Speaker:Now, if it's been a long time since you've really showed your wife that you love her or spent any meaningful effort romancing and pursuing her heart, it's never too late to get started or restarted.
Speaker:Begin with an apology and then do something unexpected.
Speaker:So, you know, I'm sorry honey, I have not focused much on our marriage lately and romance, and I love you so much.
Speaker:And then show her, you know, do something unexpected.
Speaker:Plan something.
Speaker:Compliment her today.
Speaker:Tell her you love her and why you love her.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Uh, plan out a date night and surprise her that all the details have been worked out.
Speaker:Learn your wife's love language and consider reading that book The Five Love Languages Together.
Speaker:It's, it's a great read.
Speaker:It'll, it'll really do wonders for, for your relationship.
Speaker:She'll love it and she'll love you for pursuing her this way.
Speaker:That's good.
Speaker:Thank you for the big three
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:This week and then all the other free stuff you've given away.
Speaker:Lots of helpful stuff.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:I hope so, man.
Speaker:Again, if you want
Speaker:convicting
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So much.
Speaker:Tell me about it.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:If you had the big three for this week, you get it by going to everyday Disciple dot com slash big three.
Speaker:Uh, if you haven't yet been on iTunes, we'd love, uh, five stars and good reviews and so head over to iTunes or four and a half.
Speaker:Sorry.
Speaker:If you could do the half, uh, head on iTunes.
Speaker:Give us a great review.
Speaker:We'll read it on the show.
Speaker:And, uh, it also helps get the, the, this show out to more people that we would never know how to get it to.
Speaker:And so
Speaker:Beautiful.
Speaker:Uh, the other thing is Facebook group.
Speaker:Um, if you haven't joined that and you're on Facebook, go into the search bar.
Speaker:Type an Everyday Disciple Podcast.
Speaker:We'll approve you to the group.
Speaker:We have discussions with every episode.
Speaker:People are free to ask questions.
Speaker:Like, I see people engaging one another's.
Speaker:You could draw out like
Speaker:great advice.
Speaker:Oh, it's amazing.
Speaker:Sometimes
Speaker:the best stuff's there.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I hate to admit it.
Speaker:And now there's a couple guys that are going in and like.
Speaker:Taking the big three and creating their own big three and comment.
Speaker:It's really cool.
Speaker:Thanks for joining us today.
Speaker:For more information
Speaker:on this show and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit everyday Disciple dot com and remember, you really can live with a spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.