Communication Breakdown in Community? 10 Ways To Grow
Have you ever been misunderstood or misinterpreted? Do you sometimes misunderstand the signals and words you’ve received from others? Oftentimes communication seems to be a fight for control. But it doesn’t have to be that way!
In this episode of the Everyday Disciple Podcast, Caesar will teach you how to avoid being misunderstood and give you 10 steps to becoming an active listener and effective communicator.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- The biggest mistakes people make when communicating.
- Why you must level-up your non-verbal communication skills.
- Secrets to becoming an empathetic and active listener.
- 10 Steps to move from misunderstanding to effective conversation.
From this episode:
“Engaging in mental criticisms in the middle of a conversation you’re having will impede your ability to effectively listen to the other person. You’ve gotta listen without making any hasty conclusions, or judging another person’s motives and their heart.”
Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.
Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…
Thanks for Listening!
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Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Coaching & Mentorship in Discipleship and Missional Living
Book: Communication Skills Training by J.Williams
Transcript
How many people do you know that approach a conversation though?
Caesar Kalinowski:as if it were a competition.
Caesar Kalinowski:It goes something like this, you know, when, when a person pauses, then you jump in with your thoughts, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And when you pause, boom, I jump back in so I can top your story, hijack the conversation back to my side, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's kind of like a fight for control.
Caesar Kalinowski:Have you ever felt that way?
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm not talking about casual conversations, but when you really, you're trying to make a point, you're trying to suggest a new way of doing things, you're trying to help change occur.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe you're addressing pain or sickness or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I want to suggest your conversations, and therefore relationships, will go smoother and more successful if you remember that every line of a conversation, every sentence in a conversation has a history.
Caesar Kalinowski:It has a backstory attached to it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Have you ever thought about that?
Caesar Kalinowski:No one is speaking out of a vacuum.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're speaking out of their story, out of their experience.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're going to have to get better at practicing deliberate listening skills.
Heath Hollensbe:Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
Heath Hollensbe:In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle.
Heath Hollensbe:This is the stuff your parents, pastors, and seminary professors teach you.
Heath Hollensbe:And now, here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.
Caesar Kalinowski:Before we get started today, I want to invite you to join us on Facebook, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:We've got a group there, the Everyday Disciple Podcast group, and that's your place where you can kind of best get in touch with me, get a hold of me.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's thousands of folks in there.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'd really love it if you'd join us over there.
Caesar Kalinowski:Go to everydaydisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash Facebook.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, that's all you gotta do, or search it up or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, well, I want to get into today's topic.
Caesar Kalinowski:Discussion and talk.
Caesar Kalinowski:Let me ask you, have you ever felt like you've been misunderstood or misinterpreted by someone?
Caesar Kalinowski:Do you sometimes misunderstand the signals and words that you've received?
Caesar Kalinowski:Think about people at work or in ministry, your spouse.
Caesar Kalinowski:Your kids, your parents, ever feel like you're just misunderstood?
Caesar Kalinowski:See, for me, communication is sort of my thing, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's really what I do in life.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's always been a big part of my life and every different little iteration of what God's had me doing.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that's really what I still do, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Here I am talking on a podcast and we're doing live videos and training and coaching.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, and you know what?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's what we all do in pretty much every human interaction we have every day.
Caesar Kalinowski:Think about it.
Caesar Kalinowski:How many people do you know that approach a conversation though?
Caesar Kalinowski:as if it were a competition, you know, it goes something like this, you know, when, when a person pauses, then you jump in with your thoughts, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And when you pause, you know, boom, I jumped back in.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I can top your story, hijack the conversation back to my side, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's kind of like a fight for control.
Caesar Kalinowski:Have you ever felt that way?
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm not talking about casual conversations, but when you really, you're trying to make a point, you're trying to suggest a new way of doing things, you're trying to help change occur.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe you're addressing, you know, pain or sickness or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I want to suggest your conversations and therefore relationships will go smoother and more successful.
Caesar Kalinowski:If you remember that every, like every line of a conversation, every sentence in a conversation has a history.
Caesar Kalinowski:It has a backstory attached to it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Have you ever thought about that?
Caesar Kalinowski:No one is speaking out of a vacuum.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're speaking out of their story.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Out of their experience.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're gonna have to get better at practicing deliberate listening skills to understand their history better, that story better, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So we can understand the person and what they're trying to communicate.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, like, normally we don't think that.
Caesar Kalinowski:We just kinda, we're going in for the win.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or to get our point across.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or to be efficient and get it over with or whatever, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's something to think about.
Caesar Kalinowski:The human brain can process somewhere between, I've read different things, but somewhere between 350 and 550 words a minute, while most people usually only speak around 120 words a minute, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:So in virtually every Conversation or exchange of communication, both sides, your brains has room for an extra 230 to 370 extra words of thought floating around in there, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And that gives our minds plenty of chance to drift off and wander and, you know, doesn't seem like we're paying good attention even though we might be, they might think we are, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Whether we're the one speaking or listening.
Caesar Kalinowski:You ever feel like that?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, someone gets done speaking and you don't even remember half of what they said?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or yourself?
Caesar Kalinowski:You ever say, like, I got done with that and I don't remember what I said?
Caesar Kalinowski:That's because your brain is still processing at it's, it's maximum speed and it's thinking about other stuff at the same time often.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, what are they going to respond?
Caesar Kalinowski:What are they thinking of that or whatever?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's so easy to slide into the basic communication pitfall of drifting away from the person who's speaking.
Caesar Kalinowski:Often thinking about what we're going to say next.
Caesar Kalinowski:rather than being focused on what we're communicating or what's being said to us.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe that's even more important.
Caesar Kalinowski:I've recently been diving into a pretty cool book that's helping me with all of this, even though I studied communication for a long time and I still do.
Caesar Kalinowski:So when I see a book that comes highly recommended like this one, I'm like, I got to dive in.
Caesar Kalinowski:So this one's called communication skills training.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's pretty basic, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:How to talk to anyone.
Caesar Kalinowski:connect effortlessly, develop charisma and become a better person.
Caesar Kalinowski:Whoa, big claims, but I need some of that.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:I really do.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I wanted to share some of my learning and hopefully bring a little gospel perspective to some of the stuff this book's been teaching me about communication and not just the book, but it's helped me kind of organize my thoughts.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right.
Caesar Kalinowski:And by the way, I'll put a link to this book in my show notes for this episode at everyday disciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I'll put a link so you can just go, what was that called again?
Caesar Kalinowski:You'll be able to find it right away.
Caesar Kalinowski:According to the author of the book, James Williams, many people don't realize the impact that really successful two way conversations can have on their daily lives.
Caesar Kalinowski:While most of us probably feel pretty comfortable, at least at some level, speaking to others, A lot of people don't understand the importance of actively listening in a conversation.
Caesar Kalinowski:We'll talk a lot about active listening here.
Caesar Kalinowski:You might be surprised to find out that the ability to process information being directed at you is just as important as clearly communicating your thoughts and ideas and what you got going on, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:But here's the thing, listening alone is not enough.
Caesar Kalinowski:You also have to do it in an empathetic way and in an attentive manner.
Caesar Kalinowski:in order to carry on the conversation.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's a quote from Williams in the book.
Caesar Kalinowski:He says, Surprisingly, one of the most important tools that you need to develop in your communication skills is not your mouth.
Caesar Kalinowski:It is those two things on either side of your head.
Caesar Kalinowski:I've heard stuff like this before.
Caesar Kalinowski:You probably have too.
Caesar Kalinowski:You've probably heard something similar to this, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:But I really do believe it's true.
Caesar Kalinowski:The most basic explanation I found of active listening is that it's the kind of listening that involves the use of one's full concentration.
Caesar Kalinowski:But there's also motives behind it.
Caesar Kalinowski:The goal of this type of listening is to understand the person delivering the message.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I want to suggest right at the top here that our goal is to Be to communicate from a place of seeking to bless others so as to model the way God loves and communicates with us.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wouldn't that be a great heart posture when we're going into conversations?
Caesar Kalinowski:Be it just normal ones or especially when they're important or maybe a little more sensitive.
Caesar Kalinowski:Active listening is a skill which you're going to have to develop over time.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's at least what I've found out and what's worked for me.
Caesar Kalinowski:I've been kind of studying active listening probably 20, 25 years, but Most often applied to my marriage, it seems, but learning to do it in ministry and in coaching and other things as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now I want to help you do this.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so kind of try to kind of call together 10 steps from within the book, um, to help make you.
Caesar Kalinowski:an active and effective listener and communicator when you're having these types of conversations.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right, here we go.
Caesar Kalinowski:Number one, keep eye contact.
Caesar Kalinowski:When you talk to a person and you're trying to like avoid meeting their eyes, this is a telltale sign that you're not giving the conversation your full attention.
Caesar Kalinowski:or there's some sort of fear there or, you know, fear of man or something, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:When a person's speaking to you, stay focused on your gaze.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're like what you're doing, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:To lock your attention to the conversation at hand.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I, and part of that is avoiding interruptions, making sure you're, you know, in a space and time that's appropriate for the level of conversation you're trying to have.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't be looking at your phone or texts or your watch, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Keep eye contact.
Caesar Kalinowski:Some of the most effective, like, personal, you know, one to one communicators, or, you know, people who lead, that I've ever worked with, they do this.
Caesar Kalinowski:They make really consistent, like, sincere eye contact when they're communicating.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, That's the first one.
Caesar Kalinowski:Second one is relax.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, relax.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's a difference between making eye contact and staring at a person.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like I'm trying to do this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm trying to do this.
Caesar Kalinowski:We've been recently doing stare down, stare down contests with our grandson.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, but as a family, like at dinner, family dinner nights, it is so funny.
Caesar Kalinowski:Do you remember when you were a kid?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like who can look at each other the longest without smiling or without blinking or whatever?
Caesar Kalinowski:We've laughed our guts out.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's not what you're trying to do.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're not trying to win a stare down contest.
Caesar Kalinowski:The goal is to maintain focus while tuning out all other distractions.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I want to suggest too, when you're relaxing, think about your body language, your own, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:If you're sitting there in a conversation and you're not even aware of it, maybe often, but you've got your arms closed, that's like a really common body language thing where you're signaling I'm closed off.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm not really wanting to change my opinion, I have some fear or trepidation connected to this, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And a lot of people do, and they're like, well that's just how I sit.
Caesar Kalinowski:But they've shown through, like, all kinds of studies, it's not communicating openness.
Caesar Kalinowski:And please, I want to hear, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe, um, you've heard of the RBF?
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm not going to say what it is, it's the Resting Face.
Caesar Kalinowski:We call it the Angry Resting Face.
Caesar Kalinowski:I remember years ago, a buddy of mine, and he's a national speaker and all that, he said, when I'm sitting And I'm not speaking like, say at a, you know, a church service or something and getting ready to go up and speak or at a conference or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:He says, I have like an angry resting face and this has been pointed out to me.
Caesar Kalinowski:People look at me and go, you look so ticked off right before you went up there.
Caesar Kalinowski:What was going on, bro?
Caesar Kalinowski:I was praying for you.
Caesar Kalinowski:And he goes, no, that's just the way my face looks.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I started paying attention to that in my own life, you know, and now I, And I had to talk to my wife about this as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:She kind of has an angry resting face.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, like, like when you're having a conversation, be aware of your body language, your face, your posture, right, attentiveness, stuff like that.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's really important.
Caesar Kalinowski:It'll take some practice, like anything.
Caesar Kalinowski:It really, really will.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:3rd.
Caesar Kalinowski:Keep an open mind.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, keep an open mind going into conversations.
Caesar Kalinowski:You might have an agenda and you might be the leader.
Caesar Kalinowski:So you're trying to move things a certain way, but if it's in normal everyday life, like with your spouse, kids, people in your community that you're leading, discipling, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:You for sure want to keep an open mind.
Caesar Kalinowski:Remember, you're not a mind reader.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so things like engaging in mental criticisms, all the conversations going on, You know, with the conversation you're having, you're kind of like, Oh, you're tearing it apart.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're building your case.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're like, Oh man, you know, like, right.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's mental criticism.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's going to impede your ability to effectively listen to the other person.
Caesar Kalinowski:You've got to listen without making any like hasty conclusions or judging their opinion or their motives in their heart.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:First Corinthians four or five says, resist the temptation to pronounce premature judgment on anything before the appointed time when all will be fully revealed.
Caesar Kalinowski:That means, like, never do that, because that's common.
Caesar Kalinowski:Instead, it says, wait until the Lord makes his appearance.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So, we're not to pass judgment on people's motives.
Caesar Kalinowski:It says, because when he comes, he'll bring all that is hidden in darkness to light and unveil every secret motive of everyone's heart.
Caesar Kalinowski:Then the whole truth will be known.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, see, so we do this all the time.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's kind of like internal gossip in a sense.
Caesar Kalinowski:We sit there listening to another person and we're just sort of tearing them down, tearing down their argument, thinking our thoughts.
Caesar Kalinowski:What do I want to say?
Caesar Kalinowski:How am I going to win?
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And we pass judgment on their motives or their heart.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, they're just lazy or she just doesn't want to, you know, be a team player or he, you know, he's not right.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's not good.
Caesar Kalinowski:It doesn't help.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here in 1st Corinthians, Apostle Paul is saying don't do that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Resist the temptation to pronounce judgment on people and their motives.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, number four, um, try to visualize what the other person's saying, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:That's number step, number four is like visualize.
Caesar Kalinowski:The best way to retain what they're saying and process information in your brain is to convert that information into like little mental images of sorts.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:And that could be a sequence of little abstract things forming a narrative, or even an actual mental picture.
Caesar Kalinowski:In other words, try to get into and visualize their story and position.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't just listen to it, but try to visualize it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, what are they feeling?
Caesar Kalinowski:What are they going through?
Caesar Kalinowski:What's happened in the past?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, take cues from what they're actually saying.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and try to visualize yourself, right, there?
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, number five, avoid interjections.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Because when you interrupt a person, like when they're talking, and boy, I'm, I'm guilty of this.
Caesar Kalinowski:My wife's always saying like, oh, stop interrupting, because I, I'm so afraid, and this is just selfishness and fear.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm so afraid in the middle of someone really making, you know, like their statement or their position known or whatever, their opinion or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:I am so afraid that I'm going to forget stuff.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's really that I think I've kind of analyzed my heart in this, that I, I just, I jump in right now to say it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that interjection conveys messages of.
Caesar Kalinowski:self importance, or hey, time is pressing, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Time's urgent here, or that my agenda or positions, what's really important to me.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:So what you have to understand is that people think and feel at different paces.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so let a person talk, like even though you might have a ability to be very concise and Just say what you need to say.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so you're just like, I know, I know where they're going.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm just going to interject it there again.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's kind of judging their motives.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I've been, I've been sort of called out on this too.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like you jumped in and you, you just sort of, you know, interjected and you interrupted them like two or three times, like, yeah, but I knew where they were going.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I just went there now, right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or wrong.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's kind of disrespectful and it's not going to help, right.
Caesar Kalinowski:The member of the goal is kind of is like good communication, effective communication, the building of relationships, communicating in a way that we bless others and we show them what God's like.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's the goal, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Number six, uh, the authors called this wait for the stop.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wait for the stop.
Caesar Kalinowski:So a stop in the conversation happens when the person you're listening to doesn't add anything else after a second or so of not talking.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I know that can seem like a long time, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:But once the stop has occurred, then you can present your response.
Caesar Kalinowski:Alright?
Caesar Kalinowski:So, that's hard, and this is part of active listening, and if you're just waiting to talk, waiting to talk, you're going to be like churning.
Caesar Kalinowski:You really have to put these first five, you know, into practice.
Caesar Kalinowski:But wait for the stop.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're going to be really surprised.
Caesar Kalinowski:This is a hard one to practice, but when you practice that, letting a person finish, and don't say stuff like, Are you finished?
Caesar Kalinowski:Are you, can I speak now?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, let them go.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:If you, if you sense like, I, I, I've forgotten half of what I wanted to say, then, then, then you might momentarily say, Would it be okay if I just took a couple notes, because I don't want to interrupt you, and I just want to, you know, get my thoughts down, and make sure I'm hearing you clearly, and then let them go, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So, and by the way, here's like a little tip.
Caesar Kalinowski:Avoid the word why.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, so when a person's done, it's like, well, why do you feel that way?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, why's that?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, why didn't you do that?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, why do you think we need to do that?
Caesar Kalinowski:I've just found the word why sort of puts a person back on their heels, right, as a get go.
Caesar Kalinowski:Instead of saying, you know, why do you want to do it that way?
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, that sounds so negative, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Just even saying it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Say, what leads you to see that?
Caesar Kalinowski:That would be a good way to do that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or what, what leads you to think that this is what's happening or like what has led you to, or what has kept you from doing that versus why didn't you do that, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And even if you say it slow, why didn't you do that?
Caesar Kalinowski:It doesn't sound as good as help me understand what is, what has kept you from being able to accomplish that.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's just a difference.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I try my best to avoid, avoid the word why, and maybe that'll be helpful for you as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right, number seven.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maintain the course of the conversation.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes the things that we say.
Caesar Kalinowski:right after a person's done talking have more often than not nothing to do with the topic, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:And it's kind of easy to derail an entire conversation this way.
Caesar Kalinowski:Resist the urge to speak about unrelated stuff.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, even if you see some personal connection or you had a memory attached to it or whatever, I'm kind of an external thinker.
Caesar Kalinowski:So when a person's talking and I come up with like something I'm thinking, I feel like I have to say it.
Caesar Kalinowski:So if I like, Oh, that's crazy.
Caesar Kalinowski:I remember one time when I was a kid and the snake jumped out of the, I'm going to come, I'm going to say it.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's, it's maintain the course.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes that's adventures in missing the point or we call them rabbit trails.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, others might do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Try your best to maintain course and not do that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's number eight, uh, take a walk in their shoes.
Caesar Kalinowski:Learn to synchronize your emotions with that of the speakers.
Caesar Kalinowski:Make your reactions visible through the words you say and the expressions you show.
Caesar Kalinowski:So if a person is very, very upset, then show that level of concern.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't have a blank stare like I'm impervious to the fact that you're really, really feeling this and have a strong emotion attached.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or if they're light hearted and you look mean and ticked off about it, they're like, what is going on here?
Caesar Kalinowski:Then be light hearted, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, take a walk in their shoes.
Caesar Kalinowski:Try to, try to mirror the level of emotionality that the other person's expressing.
Caesar Kalinowski:Remember that, that could be words and actions and stuff.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, number nine, give feedback.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's not enough that you, uh, are just working on this listening and you see things from that person's perspective or understand what they're feeling.
Caesar Kalinowski:You have to visibly, And verbally confirm to the speaker that you're listening by restating back to them what you believe they've just said Before you respond and I find this is really doesn't come naturally to me.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's hard So maybe maybe you've had some training in in this before in in You know, like, uh, active listening, I, when we do marriage counseling, it's one of the things, or pre marriage counseling, we teach active listening, one of the things is like, okay, so what I think I've heard you say is this, or if I'm, if I'm hearing you correctly, you, you're feeling this, and that seems so corny, and so overstated, but I've never found a time when someone does that to me that I don't feel like listened to and loved, where I can go, yeah, exactly, or, well, it's not that I'm angry, it's this, right, so I can clarify.
Caesar Kalinowski:Bye.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, it could, it could, might not be emotional stuff, it could be facts too.
Caesar Kalinowski:So what you're, you're saying is if we can do this eight times, eight weeks in a row, I'm not thinking it's necessarily going to take that long, but it could be that, you know.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, by restating back before you respond, you not only honor the person, bless them, show them that you really were listening, by the way you have to have done all these first eight to get to nine to be able to do that, uh, but it also means that your response now can be accurate.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, now number 10 is pay attention to what isn't said.
Caesar Kalinowski:Remember a little while ago I was talking about your own body language in the sense of like don't cross your arms and don't have an angry resting face?
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, most of the direct forms of communication that you're going to regularly encounter are going to be non verbal.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe you know that.
Caesar Kalinowski:I think we all know it, I forget it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Studies have shown us that a whopping 93 percent of human communication is non verbal.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, I don't want to believe it, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:But it's only 7 percent that comes from the words we're saying.
Caesar Kalinowski:And this has been studied a lot.
Caesar Kalinowski:So nonverbal communication refers to gestures, facial expressions, person's tone of voice, eye contact or lack thereof, you know, they're staring at their shoes, um, their body language, posture, and other ways too that people communicate without using language, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's up to you, like, to own the responsibility to be picking up on others nonverbal clues.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I'll say, as I've studied this a while, unless you're picking up on the other 93%, at least a little, and you're only really hearing their words, you're kind of in a debate class, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:You're like in a debate.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what, that's how conversation, especially when it's sensitive or confrontational, it's really that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and you'll, You'll probably have to practice this, but paying attention to the other 93 percent of the non verbals will change how you're communicating and how the other person's receiving it in profound ways.
Caesar Kalinowski:It really, really is.
Caesar Kalinowski:And again, it's up to you to pick up on those non verbal clues.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now here's some ways that the author, Williams, suggests to put all this into practice and start improving your relationships and your communication right away.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I'd say in your leadership, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:If it be a parenting or at a church or in a community or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, uh, right away set aside an hour of time to kind of look through and use these 10 steps that I just shared as a self check on your current active listening skills.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, so first off, write each of the 10 steps down or tell you what you can print them off.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm going to make them part of this week's big three download.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:So get all 10 of those steps.
Caesar Kalinowski:Next, thinking back over your past week, briefly, like, write out some words or phrases that demonstrate when you did or did not use one of these 10 steps or characteristics in a conversation.
Caesar Kalinowski:And your goal should be to have at least one example, positive or negative, that you can For each of the 10 steps.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, you're not gonna do this unless you're serious about communication, or you find yourself in a relationship where there's miscommunication and you've been misunderstood a lot.
Caesar Kalinowski:But if you have, this is be proactive.
Caesar Kalinowski:I wanna encourage you.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:Then review your list of what you did, you know and didn't do in each of the 10 categories, and circle up to three of those steps that you did not.
Caesar Kalinowski:Do so well and you didn't practice.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then choose one and kind of brainstorm how you'll improve in this area in your conversation over the next week or so.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, you're not pouring cement.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're trying to become more self aware and try some new things.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, and then at the end of the week, pull that sheet out again and reflect on how you think you did on those, those three areas.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Then repeat the last step.
Caesar Kalinowski:For a couple more weeks in a row, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and see, you know, if you're improving anything, any of the listed characteristics that need improving, how are they going?
Caesar Kalinowski:Chances are, just bringing the awareness to them, and then saying, I'm going to really try to practice this in my, you know, communications in the week ahead, you're going to be doing better, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:By the way, this exercise can easily be adapted for use in your team meetings.
Caesar Kalinowski:as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:So you might want to listen to this podcast with, you know, some team members and then print that list off and say, how can we be communicating with each other more effectively and showing love and grace?
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:As always, I want to leave you with sort of the big three takeaways from this.
Caesar Kalinowski:this discussion today on our active listening and communicating effectively on if nothing else, you're not going to want to miss these.
Caesar Kalinowski:And by the way, as always, you can get this as a printable PDF and I'm going to include that full list of 10 steps.
Caesar Kalinowski:You can get that as a free download.
Caesar Kalinowski:All you have to do is go to everydaydisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash.
Caesar Kalinowski:Big three.
Caesar Kalinowski:B I G the number three.
Caesar Kalinowski:Alright?
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's the big three for the week.
Caesar Kalinowski:Number one, don't approach conversations, especially sensitive ones, with the mindset of winning or trying to control the outcome.
Caesar Kalinowski:Stay focused on what the other person's saying, their body language, things like that, and seek to avoid outside distractions.
Caesar Kalinowski:Remembering that 93 percent of their communication is non verbal.
Caesar Kalinowski:Pay attention to both their non verbals and your own, because it's two way, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Communication's two way.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, number two.
Caesar Kalinowski:When we communicate from a place of seeking to bless others, we model the way that God loves and communicates with us.
Caesar Kalinowski:Think about that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I was thinking back, and like, I've always been struck by the fact that right after Adam and Eve rebelled against God in the garden, we see this in Genesis, He goes looking for them.
Caesar Kalinowski:And what's, does he bust them?
Caesar Kalinowski:Attack them?
Caesar Kalinowski:No, he's asking them questions.
Caesar Kalinowski:Where are you?
Caesar Kalinowski:Why are you hiding?
Caesar Kalinowski:Who told you you were naked, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And he does the same thing with their son Cain right after he murders his brother Abel in a later narrative.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, he's asking him questions.
Caesar Kalinowski:Where's your brother?
Caesar Kalinowski:Didn't I, you know, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So in both these examples, we see that God goes after the heart in a conversation or with people.
Caesar Kalinowski:He's more concerned with their unbelief than their actions that that unbelief produced.
Caesar Kalinowski:And he's not trying to control or limit their choice.
Caesar Kalinowski:So we can let our heart posture be the same in the conversations we're having.
Caesar Kalinowski:And number three, set aside time right away to use the 10 steps I just shared as a self check on your active listening skills, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:I was just explaining that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Review the list, circle up to three steps that you didn't practice very well this past week, choose one, and brainstorm how you'll improve in this area of your conversations.
Caesar Kalinowski:And again, I'm going to include that full list right here.
Caesar Kalinowski:you know, in, you know, in the big three, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So if you get that download, everydaydisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash big three, not only will you get this big three written out, but you'll get that full 10 as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm also going to put that book link for this book, if you want to go deeper into this in the show notes, and I'll probably Throw that on the bottom of the big three as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's about it for today.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope that was enjoyable.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope that was encouraging.
Caesar Kalinowski:Gives you some stuff to work on.
Caesar Kalinowski:Also, if you're interested in learning a full framework for discipleship and mission, and you'd like someone to walk alongside and show you all that, coach you in that, encourage you, bring some accountability to setting all this up and really starting to live this way.
Caesar Kalinowski:I would love to help you.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'd like to get together, tell you a little bit about our coaching, maybe hop on a zoom call or something like that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Just go over to everyday disciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash coaching.
Caesar Kalinowski:You can learn more about that and you can also fill out a little mini form that'll contact me and we can set up a time that we can talk.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, time is up for today.
Caesar Kalinowski:Join us again next week or go back through our hundreds of episodes.
Caesar Kalinowski:To continue to learn discipleship as a lifestyle in everyday life, and how the good news of the gospel speaks into everything naturally and powerfully.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll talk to you soon.
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks for joining us today.
Heath Hollensbe:For more information on this show and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit EverydayDisciple.
Heath Hollensbe:com.
Heath Hollensbe:And remember, you really can live with the spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.