Why You Keep Saying Yes When You Mean No
Most of us say yes way too often — and we know it. Whether it’s fear of what others will think, or just not wanting to miss out, we keep adding things to our plate until we’re running on empty. We’ve mastered the art of the reluctant yes. And it’s quietly costing us more than we realize.
In this episode of the Everyday Disciple Podcast, we’re going to dig into why saying no is so hard, what the Bible actually says about commitments, and 10 practical ways to say no with grace. Plus — how to back out of something you never should have said yes to in the first place. This one is freeing.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- Why fear of man and FOMO keep you locked in yes
- What Scripture actually says about bailing on commitments
- 10 ways to say no gracefully — plus one for telemarketers
- How to back out of a commitment without burning a relationship
From this episode:
“The more we think about what we’re giving up when we say ‘yes’ to someone, the easier it is to say no. A graceful ‘no’ grows out of a clear but unstated calculation of the trade-off.”
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Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Coaching and Apprenticeship in Missional Living w/ Caesar and his wife, Tina
Resources for missional living and group training – Missio Publishing
Get Caesar’s latest book: Bigger Gospel for FREE… Click here.
Transcript
I think you're right.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's this FOMO, like we're, we have these consumeristic tendencies.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like I don't wanna miss out.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I'll just say yes to everything, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or I, I don't wanna s- say no because like I have a little fear of man, so like I don't wanna say no to the boss, I don't wanna say no to the pastor.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't really like saying no to my kids ever, 'cause I love when they view me as, "Oh," you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Perfect and all.
Caesar Kalinowski:Which kinda leans into some glorious issues.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, we've talked about the four Gs, these four truths about God that are eternal, and once we understand them and believe them in every area of life, they transform us, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I think when we think like, oh, we're not sitting in the seat of God's so glorious and He loves me unconditionally, so I get to make decisions best I can for His glory, but the people are gonna have to make their own based on that.
Caesar Kalinowski:W- if, if that's, if God's not glorious and like right now Heath's asking me, "Hey, dude, could you do this for me?"
Caesar Kalinowski:or, "Can you help me with this?" or- Sure … "Could you sign up for that?" And I'm like, "Oh, I need, I need Heath's approval.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't wanna lose it.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's, he's pretty glorious right now." Same thing with not believing in grace.
Caesar Kalinowski:If, if we don't really sit in belief in grace, and I'll just be honest, this is like, for me, this is a well-worn, sore spot and groove.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, when you don't believe in grace, you're always trying to prove yourself worthy or valuable or lovable.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so you sign up for everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:You try to over-deliver.
Caesar Kalinowski:But it comes, it comes at some costs, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:It does, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:It comes at some costs.
Heath Hollensbe:Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
Heath Hollensbe:In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle.
Heath Hollensbe:This is the stuff your parents, pastors, and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.
Heath Hollensbe:And now, here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.
Caesar Kalinowski:My brother Heath.
Caesar Kalinowski:Hey, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:Good to be with you as always.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here we go.
Caesar Kalinowski:I was just remarking yesterday to Tina, like, "Wow, here we are, this many episodes into things." Isn't that crazy?
Caesar Kalinowski:It is.
Caesar Kalinowski:It really is.
Heath Hollensbe:And it's getting more fun.
Heath Hollensbe:The more we're doing this,
Caesar Kalinowski:it just feels more natural.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's getting more and more fun, and, and the, uh, seasons are beginning.
Caesar Kalinowski:The, the page is turning here.
Caesar Kalinowski:How's the kids doing?
Caesar Kalinowski:Any of them driving yet?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Feels like it, right?
Heath Hollensbe:I know.
Heath Hollensbe:It's sad, man.
Heath Hollensbe:Oh- They're growing up
Heath Hollensbe:… Caesar Kalinowski: my goodness, man.
Heath Hollensbe:I d- I don't get it, man, but we wanna be lifelong learners.
Caesar Kalinowski:Heath has great kids.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like- Yeah, it's pretty fun … and the boys are, like, all boy.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, they're just- Oh, yeah … like, these are boys, and they're just great.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And they're super polite and, uh…
Heath Hollensbe:You wake up to a crotch kick every morning, and it's just- Yeah,
Caesar Kalinowski:why not?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, speaking of, uh, boys, uh, and crotch kicks, Canada, man, is a pretty cool place.
Heath Hollensbe:Oh, oops.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's a hard transition.
Caesar Kalinowski:Love you, Canada.
Heath Hollensbe:We love Ca-
Caesar Kalinowski:We really do.
Heath Hollensbe:I've thought about moving there many times, and one of our reviews this week comes from Canada.
Heath Hollensbe:It's, uh, a bizarre username, but I'm not gonna judge it.
Heath Hollensbe:It's J star, star, star, star 7- … from Canada that says- Lot of stars … "I've learned so much from this podcast, had so many great discussions with friends and family about content in these shows.
Heath Hollensbe:It's relevant, speaks to the heart.
Heath Hollensbe:It's fun to listen to." So thanks, J star, star, star, star- I really appreciate the reviews … star, star, star.
Heath Hollensbe:It's
Caesar Kalinowski:very encouraging.
Heath Hollensbe:I know.
Heath Hollensbe:Many
Caesar Kalinowski:stars.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's so good.
Caesar Kalinowski:Give you many stars there, J.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, today, uh, we're talking about maybe backing out of things that we've said yes to- How to say no
Heath Hollensbe:and how to say no better.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:People, we hate saying no.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:It's awkward, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, I mean, I guess there's no people where everything's no.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, my old man was that way kinda growing up.
Caesar Kalinowski:Everything was no, and you just kinda knew it, and then you'd leave for a little while.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then you'd, you'd come over.
Caesar Kalinowski:"Let's talk about that. I guess you c- I guess you could sleep over after all," you know, or- It's
Heath Hollensbe:the initial no.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:He was
Caesar Kalinowski:kind of a no guy.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Well, we live in a culture, uh, I hear this quite a bit, uh, the FOMO culture, the fear of missing out, and I've had many friends, and I've also been the culprit, of overbooking my life to this point where we don't really allow any time for rest or relaxation or even spontaneity, which is super important.
Caesar Kalinowski:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Heath Hollensbe:And it doesn't appear that the world has always worked this way.
Heath Hollensbe:So what do you, what do you think's going on with us, man?
Heath Hollensbe:Why do you think it's so hard for some people to just say no?
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, I'm gonna ask you, my friend, 'cause as I was preparing for this episode, y- I was your pitcher in my mind's eye 'cause- Thanks
Caesar Kalinowski:you are a busy fella, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:You are a busy fella, and I'm, I'm hoping in here, for both of us, there's some learning and some finding out about how to say no.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:'Cause you're, you're a very busy dude.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, so what's going on?
Caesar Kalinowski:I think, I think for one, y- I think you're right.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's this FOMO, like we're, we have these consumeristic tendencies.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like I don't wanna miss out.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I'll just say yes to everything, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or I, I don't wanna s- say no because like I have a little fear of man, so like I don't wanna say no to the boss.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't wanna say no to the pastor.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't really like saying no to my kids ever 'cause I love when they view me as, "Oh," you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:A perfect and all.
Caesar Kalinowski:Which kinda leans into some glorious issues.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, we've talked about the four Gs, these four truths about God that are eternal, and once we understand them and believe them in every area of life, they transform us, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I think when we think like, oh, we're not sitting in the seat of God's so glorious and He loves me unconditionally, so I get to make decisions best I can for His glory, but people are gonna have to make their own based on that.
Caesar Kalinowski:W- if, if that's, if God's not glorious and like right now Heath's asking me, "Hey, dude, could you do this for me?" Or, "Can you help me with this?" Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, "Can you sign up for that?" And I'm like, "Oh, I need, I need Heath's approval.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't wanna lose it.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's, he's pretty glorious right now." Same thing with not believing in grace.
Caesar Kalinowski:If, if we don't really sit in belief in grace, and I'll just be honest, this is like, for me, this is a well-worn, sore spot and groove.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:When you don't believe in grace, you're always trying to prove yourself worthy or valuable or lovable.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so you sign up for everything, you try to over-deliver, but it comes, it comes at some costs, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, it does, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:It comes at some costs.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Um, so I've got, uh, recently I did this thing.
Heath Hollensbe:Every summer I do a, a margarita trip down the river where we float the river and had a bunch of people sign up- Oh, is
Caesar Kalinowski:this where you bust me for not going?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:I, I mean, you missed out, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't really do the river, I don't do the river thing much.
Heath Hollensbe:It's c- it's, you know, you should.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I don't like, and I don't like margaritas.
Heath Hollensbe:Oh.
Heath Hollensbe:I
Caesar Kalinowski:was gonna say, tequila.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
Caesar Kalinowski:Anyway.
Heath Hollensbe:But, uh, you know, I had a bunch of people that were signed up to come.
Heath Hollensbe:Last minute everyone bails out, and I even had one friend that said, his wife said, "You know what? Uh, he never really even planned on going."
Heath Hollensbe:Careful,
Caesar Kalinowski:they're gonna hear this and know who
Heath Hollensbe:they are.
Caesar Kalinowski:I know.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't be passive aggressive.
Heath Hollensbe:It's like … Yeah, but he said, "Y- yeah, yeah, I signed up. I'm excited about going." And then his wife's like, "He ne- he told me he never had any intention on going. He just didn't wanna say no to you," which is like, oh, kinda sucks,
Caesar Kalinowski:man.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, it's what I was just saying.
Caesar Kalinowski:So there's a, there's a glorious issue.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe there was some fear of missing out, like, hey, maybe it'll work out.
Caesar Kalinowski:That would be fun, but I don't wanna say no to Heath 'cause I know it's important to him.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so really is, it's, you know what I'm gonna say, I don't know who your friend is so I can say this purely.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's a bit of selfishness.
Caesar Kalinowski:In other words, I love me more than I love you, so I'll say yes with very little intention of keeping my yes.
Heath Hollensbe:Hmm.
Heath Hollensbe:'Cause I love myself more.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:So what do you think, uh, what do you … I mean, you think that's what they're ultimately communicating is that self-love a l- a little bit more than even-
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, and it's not even like they sit there and thinking like, "Okay, wait a minute.
Caesar Kalinowski:I, I love me more than I love…"
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope not.
Caesar Kalinowski:But that's what's going on, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Uh-huh.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what's going on.
Caesar Kalinowski:Self-preservation in a sense.
Heath Hollensbe:Well, one of the things we like to do on the podcast is always kinda look back and see what Jesus has said or what Scripture kinda talks to- Yeah, this isn't- … and addresses
Caesar Kalinowski:yeah, it's not a new issue.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, this is … And it's funny because people are like, man, it's … I hear a lot of times in the comments people going, "You know, you guys hit these topics that I've never thought Scripture or identity spoken to, and you're touching on it." So what do you think the Bible has to say about maybe even our yes being yes when it comes to keeping
Caesar Kalinowski:our word?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, so we all know that verse, right, from Matthew 5, you know, let your yes be yes and your no be no.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and I, boom, you can just take it at that, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:I was digging into that and kind of meditating, thinking about that verse, uh, you know, getting ready for t- you know, this episode.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and then I come across, uh, Eugene Peterson's The Message version of this, and I kinda dig it.
Caesar Kalinowski:So that verse, that famous verse about let your yes be yes is Matthew 5:35 I think, or 37.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:But, um- But you know how the message, it kinda puts it all together.
Caesar Kalinowski:Let me read the passage around it, and I love it 'cause it gives it a lot of light.
Caesar Kalinowski:It says, um, "Don't say anything you don't mean." Okay, so there you go.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, this counsel's embedded deep in our traditions.
Caesar Kalinowski:Uh, and so there's, if you do really deep digging into the Hebrew, you're gonna find out, like, d- let your yes be yes, let your no be no.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't make s- crazy oaths.
Caesar Kalinowski:And there was a, there was a whole cultural thing of like, if I double down on my oath, if I say it twice, then I really mean it, you know, and you're just saying, y- you know, it's just so, um, it says, "The counsel's embedded deep in our traditions.
Caesar Kalinowski:You only make things worth when you lay down… worse," there it is, "or when you lay down a smokescreen of pious talk saying, 'I'll pray for you.'" Never done that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And never doing it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or saying, "God be with you," and not really meaning it.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's just sort of like a handoff.
Caesar Kalinowski:"You don't make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace," he says.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:"In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say yes and no, and, you know, when you manipulate your words to get your own way, that's where you go wrong." Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so I, you know, you look at that, and, and that's in Matthew, and so you're going, "Hmm." Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:A little counsel there from our Lord- Mm
Caesar Kalinowski:to just let your yes be a yes.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And trying to add a lot of … We'll talk about how, like, when you, later on, when you, how to, how do you get out of things.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't, don't make up elaborate ruses.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't, you know, don't try to like, "I sold…" You know, it's just like, just say yes and then do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, it's silly, yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Be that kind of person, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't, don't you love it when a person says they'll do something and then just, they're, like you know it, it's done?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Absolutely.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't you just love that?
Caesar Kalinowski:And then we all have those people where you're like, "Nah, I don't, I bet they don't come."
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:They say yes to everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:I, you know, they s- they'll sign up for everything, and I think their intent is to do it, help- Yeah … take on that task, whatever it would be.
Heath Hollensbe:You know, what's funny is I, one of my favorite pastors in the world, I, I'm not gonna say who it is, but I went to go see him in his hometown one, one time as he was getting ready to take a year-long sabbatical, and his message going away was, "If I'm not able to come back, if by God's, you know, will I, I don't make it back to this pulpit, what's the last thing I wanna teach you?"
Heath Hollensbe:And it was about being people of your word, how important being Christians are.
Heath Hollensbe:When you say yes, be yes.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Like when you say no, like-
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah
Caesar Kalinowski:… Heath Hollensbe: that should mark us as people of, of a good father, as people who go, "We're … You know what? That Caesar guy, when he says yes, he means it, and he's not backing out unless something happens."
Caesar Kalinowski:Or-
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll just give you a little small thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, I got convicted years ago about, like, "I'll pray for that," or like- Yeah … "Pray for me," and then you're on Facebook and you're like, "Praying," and you're not really.
Caesar Kalinowski:Just, you know what I mean, right?
Heath Hollensbe:That's so silly.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And so, but I got convicted about this, and I don't know where I picked up the line, but, like, now what I say instead is, "As the Spirit reminds me, I'll be praying for that."
Heath Hollensbe:Oh, yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:So in other words, I may forget, but if the Spirit, the Holy Spirit of God who's in us both-
Heath Hollensbe:Yep
Heath Hollensbe:… Caesar Kalinowski: reminds me, then I'm gonna try to be obedient to that.
Heath Hollensbe:That's good,
Caesar Kalinowski:yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:But I'm not gonna promise you that I will remember.
Caesar Kalinowski:I just life is busy and full, so, eh, anyway.
Heath Hollensbe:You know what I think as you're talking there, that verse from Matthew 5 is super convicting, and one of the things I was thinking was it just, it seems that being able to say no is actually really, really important, and, and we shouldn't feel bad about it, right?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, if we're gonna suck at keeping
Caesar Kalinowski:our yeses, let's be better at saying no.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:And I remember you saying that you had a couple things for this, this lesson, like 10 different ways to say no.
Heath Hollensbe:Maybe we could get to those now- Yeah … and go through, like, the ways.
Caesar Kalinowski:So before that, let me throw an umbrella over the whole thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I actually got this from a book called Essentialism: The Dis- the Disciplined Pursuit of Less.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, it's a business book.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's been very, very po- it is very, very popular.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, uh, there's a whole chapter on saying no, and, and there's a second chapter on uncommitting yourself.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's amazing.
Caesar Kalinowski:But check this out.
Caesar Kalinowski:The author says, "Focus on the trade-off when you say yes," right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski:"The more we think about what we're giving up when we say yes to someone, the easier it is to say no."
Heath Hollensbe:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:If we have no clear sense of the opportunity cost, in other words, the value of what we're giving up, well, then it's especially easy to fall into the non-essential trap of telling ourselves, "Well, we can get it all done.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll, yeah, okay." You know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:So a graceful no grows out of a clear but unstated calculation of the trade-off.
Caesar Kalinowski:So think about every time you say something, a yes at work or another yes at church, what are you saying no to?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:To your kids, to a vacation, to rest- Hmm … to sabbathing of your soul.
Caesar Kalinowski:I mean, I, I'll tell you what, I know in my own life, and a lot of people I've coached and, and, or close to in community, we are not, like, knocking it out of the park when it comes to sabbathing and making and finding that time to just be quiet and be- Yeah
Caesar Kalinowski:with the Father and hear His voice and, "I love you, son. I love you, daughter."
Heath Hollensbe:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, uh, every time you say yes to something, right, you're saying no to something else, or multiple things.
Caesar Kalinowski:Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I know 'cause I, you know, worked just- you work at a church staff.
Caesar Kalinowski:I did for years.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it was always, like, the busiest people who do everything at the church, if you hit 'em up, they'd say, "Yeah."
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah
Heath Hollensbe:… Caesar Kalinowski: right?
Heath Hollensbe:It's-
Heath Hollensbe:I'll take
Caesar Kalinowski:it on … a total 80/20, so it's probably 90/10 at churches, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:So anyway, let me get to 10 ways to say no, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm gonna go through them really, really quick.
Caesar Kalinowski:First one is actually use the word no.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't waffle on it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, don't say, "Well, not, not know, I don't know," or, "I'm not sure," or, "Maybe next time," or, "Maybe I can.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll, I'll try," or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:The word no is super powerful, so just use it, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or if you just can't 'cause you're, you wanna be extra polite, the second thing is use a firm but polite alternative.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, "I appreciate your time or asking me to do that- Hmm … but no thank you." "No, thanks.
Caesar Kalinowski:Not today." Or you know, "I'm afraid I can't."
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:" Caesar Kalinowski: I'm not really into…" You know, just be honest, right? "I'm not really into decoupage.
Heath Hollensbe:I think I'm gonna pass on that.
Heath Hollensbe:But thanks for asking." You know?
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:"I appreciate the invite." Um, so here's the third one, uh, don't Seinfeld it, you know?
Heath Hollensbe:Okay.
Heath Hollensbe:Like, you know, George Costanza, like, he just gets into these crazy elaborate ruses and fabricated things, you know, instead of just saying no.
Heath Hollensbe:Mm-hmm.
Heath Hollensbe:You know?
Heath Hollensbe:And this goes for your family, your friends, or even your boss.
Heath Hollensbe:Like, don't invent an ailing grandmother because you think it'll make, you know, your excuses more palatable.
Heath Hollensbe:Just be honest.
Heath Hollensbe:Say, "No, I really, I, I don't think I'm gonna be able to be a part of that."
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's good, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and I'll say you don't necessarily even need to give a reason.
Caesar Kalinowski:You don't.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, s- fourth, if all your friends are jumping off a cliff, would you?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's easier to fall into the trap of saying yes to everything if everybody else is saying yes.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Caesar Kalinowski:So they're going around the room, you know, in a staff meeting or this or that, and you're like, "I, no, I don't really wanna do that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Thank you." Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, fifth- Fifth … trust your gut.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes you just know, like, "That person really wants me to say yes, but I, uh, it doesn't feel right," so listen to your instincts.
Caesar Kalinowski:And number six, maybe even better than this, let folks know that you need to pray about something first, and then actually pray, and then get back to them.
Caesar Kalinowski:Schedule a time.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I'm not saying like, "Hey, you want a stick of gum?" "Hmm, I'm gonna probably have to go away and pray." You know.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:But I, but I'm, like, if it's something, like, you know it's gonna take some time-
Heath Hollensbe:Yep
Heath Hollensbe:… Caesar Kalinowski: and I, and I have had to practice this for years, "I, I'm gonna need to pray about that and talk to Tina about it."
Heath Hollensbe:Is it okay if I get back to you on Tuesday with that?
Heath Hollensbe:And actually get back
Caesar Kalinowski:to them on Tuesday.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then actually get back to on Tuesday.
Caesar Kalinowski:So then they know they're not, like, open-ended going like, "I think I have help."
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Caesar said maybe, but, you know, so right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:So guess what?
Caesar Kalinowski:God knows the future even when you don't.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, I think I'm gonna have time for that, but you know what?
Caesar Kalinowski:I prayed about it, and I just felt like, don't take it on.
Caesar Kalinowski:God knows what's coming up.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:He knows you're gonna be busier, or there's a sickness, or you have to take a trip or whatever, right?
Heath Hollensbe:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, seventh, provide an alternative, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:And this can be really useful when you don't wanna be seen as the person who says no all the time, but you still wanna help.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:So f- you know, for instance, like, you know, you can say like, "Well, I'm busy that day, but let me call so-and-so to see if they might be able to help you move on Saturday."
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:So you're still being helpful.
Heath Hollensbe:You're
Caesar Kalinowski:just not able to do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, and I've got a lot of people, like, they just… It's just like a solid no 'cause they hate moving.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, for instance, I'm just using you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, living in community, you do a lot of moving of people it seems, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, uh, but sometimes you just, I can't do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or like, you know, like as I'm getting a little older and I'm like, okay- Yeah … there's like a, a m- bunch of young bucks with younger backs.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm gonna go like, "You know what? I don't think I'm gonna be able to help with that on Saturday, but…" Or I wanna help with it on Saturday.
Caesar Kalinowski:"But let me go ahead and I'm gonna call a couple of guys I know with trucks, and let's get that done for you," or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:That's
Heath Hollensbe:helpful.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, eight, I'm f- you could say this: "I'm flattered that you'd ask me that, but no thank you."
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes you need to acknowledge that's a big deal, and that person coming to you, they think highly of you.
Caesar Kalinowski:Thank you so much for that, Heath.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:But I'm gonna have to say no on that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:Uh, ninth, um- You, you might have to preface it sometimes.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, "I know this isn't the answer you're hoping for, but I'm not gonna be able to say yes to that."
Heath Hollensbe:Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski:You just, you know, you kind of- You have to do that … preface it.
Caesar Kalinowski:You soften that.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's polite, it's gracious, it's … That you don't leave them wondering like, "Ooh-
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah
Heath Hollensbe:… Caesar Kalinowski: I thought, I thought Heath liked me," or whatever.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:Um, and then, like this is kind of a work thing.
Heath Hollensbe:Um, you might have to say like, "Let me know if you want me to reshuffle some other priorities, 'cause right now I wouldn't be able to handle it, but you're the boss, so if you want me to do that, I'm happy to."
Heath Hollensbe:Yep.
Heath Hollensbe:" Caesar Kalinowski: Which things do you think I should go ahead and set down?"
Heath Hollensbe:Yep.
Heath Hollensbe:And let them decide that for you, yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:"That sounds really interesting. I'd be happy to do it, but that means I won't be able to get X, Y, Z done by Friday like you asked." Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:"Which, which do you want me to do?"
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:" Caesar Kalinowski: Well, I want both." "Yeah, won't happen."
Heath Hollensbe:You know?
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:"But I'm letting you make the call." Notice, like guard your health.
Heath Hollensbe:Now, here's a bonus one.
Heath Hollensbe:I said 10, but here's a bonus one for telemarketers when they call.
Heath Hollensbe:Just go, "I'm good."
Heath Hollensbe:There we go.
Heath Hollensbe:" Caesar Kalinowski: I'm happy.
Heath Hollensbe:I'm all set."
Heath Hollensbe:That's good.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And p- please add me to Do Not Call list.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right?
Heath Hollensbe:You are right.
Heath Hollensbe:That is a great way to say, "You know what? I'm just, I'm all set. I don't need to…" And, and when I hang up, I go into my iPhone and hit Don't Let That Number Contact Me Again.
Caesar Kalinowski:Block.
Caesar Kalinowski:Block, yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Then I don't have to say no every time.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah,
Heath Hollensbe:that's right.
Heath Hollensbe:It's
Caesar Kalinowski:over.
Caesar Kalinowski:I just said no forever.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, what do you think the best way is to handle things?
Heath Hollensbe:Because, 'cause saying no is one thing, but there are times, and many of us now might be b- being convicted by what you're saying, that we've already committed to something- Yeah … or something changed, and we need to back out of something we've already committed to.
Heath Hollensbe:Do you have any thoughts on, on how to handle some of that?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:I, I do, actually.
Caesar Kalinowski:'Cause there again, you wanna be above board, you wanna have integrity.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, um, uh, here, here again, here's the overarching of this before I give you, you know, some, some ways to do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Start by asking yourself, though, and maybe ask a close flen- friend or your spouse, if you're regularly over-committing and consistently having to back out of things.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, "Hey, you know, there's a couple things I gotta get ahold of people and I gotta back out of," but do I do that a lot?
Heath Hollensbe:Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, or ask yourself that, or ask someone close to you, like am I constantly over-committing?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Totally are.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, you know, let me pray about that, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:That's
Heath Hollensbe:good, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:That takes you back to the no side of it.
Caesar Kalinowski:So- Sure … so start by doing a little bit of heart work there, and then maybe ask yourself the thing behind the thing, like why am I saying?
Caesar Kalinowski:Is it, is it fear of man?
Caesar Kalinowski:Is it like … Well, I don't think so.
Caesar Kalinowski:Eh, probably is, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:So but here's some things.
Caesar Kalinowski:If you do need to back out, and, and there are gonna be times Um, um, but i- i- if you feel like you do, but you realize you have been o- you know, saying yes or backing out of too many things- Sure … you might just need to suck it up and keep that commitment.
Heath Hollensbe:Hmm.
Heath Hollensbe:That's good.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, be
Heath Hollensbe:a person of your word,
Caesar Kalinowski:yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, sometimes you just do.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, "I really don't wanna." So you don't know this, you don't know this story, but, like, our last Cigar and Theologies was at your house.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it was just- Last Friday … yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I, I was, um, I ha- Tina and I had been babysitting, uh, for, like, 36 hours, and I was just tired.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:I was just kind of fried, and I was just like, "Man, it'd be good to catch up on some shows," you know, or whatever, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Heath Hollensbe:Not
Caesar Kalinowski:go
Heath Hollensbe:out.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, just not go out, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, and I was… Then my mind started looking for a good excuse 'cause I, I love you, and I love the guys.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I didn't wanna n- I didn't wanna bail, but I was like, "I really wanna bail," you know?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then guess what?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, I was presented with a good opportunity to bail out.
Caesar Kalinowski:Something came up, and we were still babysitting, but it was supposed to be done in time.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:But they were like, "We're gonna be super, super late." And I was like, "Oh, there's my out."
Heath Hollensbe:Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:But I thought, you know, I sh- I should pray about this, like, go all spiritual on everybody here.
Caesar Kalinowski:But I di- I said, "Lord, you know, I, this is such a good thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:We do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:I love the guys." Yeah. "I'm just not feeling like I should go.
Caesar Kalinowski:Gi- give me some courage, encouragement, some zip or something," you know? Something new. And, and literally with, over the next 20 minutes, I was like, "Nah, I really wanna go.
Caesar Kalinowski:I think I'm gonna go.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm going," you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Even though I had the good excuse, I, I just went.
Caesar Kalinowski:It turned out to be what a great night.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, that's
Heath Hollensbe:great.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Caesar Kalinowski:And I just, you know, we didn't go super crazy deep into theology, but it was just good f- old school fellowship, and I came home, and I told Tina right away, like, "I really needed that." Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:Just hanging with some guys and being, you know, safe.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I was gonna bail, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And the Spirit was like, "Nah, you know what?"
Heath Hollensbe:Stick with it.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then, and so sometimes you just need to suck it up, pray about it, and ask for the Spirit.
Caesar Kalinowski:Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski:Second thing, when you do have to back out of something, be honest.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't lie about it or shade the truth.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's good.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, real… I mean, that's so easy to do.
Caesar Kalinowski:People don't know, but, uh, you know.
Caesar Kalinowski:It only makes it worse though.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I, actually, I think people do know.
Caesar Kalinowski:I think people very often kinda see through our smokescreen.
Caesar Kalinowski:True.
Caesar Kalinowski:Most people aren't great liars, you know, but we don't wanna be liars.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it can hurt your integrity, and it can hurt your reputation.
Caesar Kalinowski:When I was, uh, doing a little research on this, I ran into a, a, a little, uh, a little clip of something.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, it perfectly illustrates that.
Audio Clip:Hey, Sally?
Audio Clip:Hi, hon. Hi.
Audio Clip:Oh my God, I know.
Audio Clip:Look, I'm so sorry.
Audio Clip:I know we're supposed to hang out tonight, but I am so sick.
Audio Clip:It is coming out of both ends.
Audio Clip:Yeah, I had oysters last night.
Audio Clip:Um, it's not a pretty sight.
Audio Clip:I'm telling you, I'm disgusting right now.
Audio Clip:Totally can't hang out.
Audio Clip:Do you hate me?
Audio Clip:No?
Audio Clip:Okay, good.
Audio Clip:I'm so sorry.
Audio Clip:I can't wait to see you soon.
Audio Clip:Yes.
Audio Clip:Okay, love you so much.
Audio Clip:I'm so sorry to do this.
Audio Clip:If I wasn't sick, I would so love to hang out tonight.
Audio Clip:Okay, baby.
Audio Clip:All right, love you.
Audio Clip:Bye.
Audio Clip:Yes, we can totally go to the movies now.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:So exactly what I'm talking about, and thanks to Marie Forleo for that.
Caesar Kalinowski:She's, like, a business coach, but that is nailing it.
Caesar Kalinowski:So just needless to say, be honest, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Just be honest.
Caesar Kalinowski:Uh, third, um, also try and have these types of conversations, uh, where you need to back out of something, try to have them in person.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, that's super honoring.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, don't, yeah, don't cop out with, like, a text message-
Caesar Kalinowski:Text, then you go missing- … and you just don't respond to it … and then boom, then you go dark.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:You ghost the person the rest of the night.
Caesar Kalinowski:"Oh, what's up? You feel okay?" I've had that happen.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, "Are you, are you okay?"
Caesar Kalinowski:It's like, "All right," you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:" Heath Hollensbe: Did you die?"
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, uh, or if you have to, at least on the phone at minimum.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Call a person and go, "Hey, man, I know this is probably not what you wanna hear," you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:And here's the honesty: "I'm just not feeling like it."
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:You know?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:" Caesar Kalinowski: I'm just whooped." Or just, you know, "This is what's come up."
Heath Hollensbe:But don't text someone a flaky back-out or, y- you know, drop it in an email.
Heath Hollensbe:You know, like, so if it's something longer term and you, you committed to speaking somewhere or doing something at work, a little email.
Heath Hollensbe:It's like, no.
Heath Hollensbe:Try to, you know, s- "Hey, listen, knock, knock. Can, can I talk to you for a second?"
Heath Hollensbe:Right.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:Call at minimum and have those kind of conversations in person whenever possible.
Heath Hollensbe:Uh, fourth one here is when you have to do it, too, and you wanna be gracious, you know, you wanna back out graciously, like, this I call the good news sandwich or maybe some people call it the bad news sandwich.
Heath Hollensbe:What you do is you wanna, you wanna, uh, start out with some good news, and then you kinda give them the, "Eh, not gonna make it," and then end with some good news, right?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:So you kinda put the bad news as the meat in between.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:Now, that's not trying to trick people and be weird.
Heath Hollensbe:It's just being gracious, and I'll tell you, like, in business, it, I have to use it all the time.
Heath Hollensbe:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:But, uh, in ministry as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:So for instance, okay, here's the good news, the bread.
Caesar Kalinowski:"Hey, y- y- you know that thing you invited me to do?
Caesar Kalinowski:That is super awesome.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm flattered to do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:It, I know it's gonna be a li- a blessing to a whole lot of people." Okay? Here's the bad news part. "And when I committed to it, I really wanted to be a part of that and all of its awesomeness.
Caesar Kalinowski:Uh, and I hate it, but…" Da, da, da. You know, like, "Things have changed- Sure … or this has come up," whatever. "And I, unfortunately I'm not, I'm not gonna be able to be a part of it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I know that may put you in inconvenience.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm really, really sorry.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope you can understand, and, and I hope you can forgive me."
Heath Hollensbe:Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's the bad news.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then here's the good news, the bread again.
Caesar Kalinowski:"But I know that, you know, X, Y, Z, it's gonna be awesome, and I really wish I had been able to be a part of it. Let me know if there's any other way I can help you."
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:" Caesar Kalinowski: I really appreciate you." So
Heath Hollensbe:you- So then the front, the bookends are, are both good news and-
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, right
Caesar Kalinowski:the bad news is sort of in the middle.
Caesar Kalinowski:So good news sandwich, bad news, however you wanna say it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:So and then here's the other thing: Be sure to uncommit as soon as you realize you're gonna need to back out of something.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't, don't procrastinate and make things worse for the other person.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah,
Heath Hollensbe:10 minutes before someone's at your house.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, which, you know, happens all the time.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's like, "Dude, I ain't gonna be able to do that." It's like, "Well, what, what?" You know?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:So.
Heath Hollensbe:That's good, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:Anyway.
Heath Hollensbe:You know, one thing I'm thinking of is, is just being a dad, and like you said, my kids are awesome.
Heath Hollensbe:Four, uh, four kids looking up to me and Kathleen, and If I'm not being
Caesar Kalinowski:honest- And you're, you're at the stage, bro, these boys look at you like y- you like you fricking hung the moon.
Heath Hollensbe:I know.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's crazy.
Caesar Kalinowski:They just do, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:When you speak to them and they, they do.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, they're at that age where it's like, "Dad."
Heath Hollensbe:And they're learning, and they're asking questions, and they're seeing the things that I say to people, and they'll catch me 10 minutes later and go, "Hey, why did you say this when you told me this earlier?"
Heath Hollensbe:You know?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:And it's like, oh, that's convicting, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:So- Or, or you don't wanna say no, so you kinda go, "Well, maybe later we'll do that." And then they're like, "Now?
Caesar Kalinowski:We're doing it now?"
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:" Caesar Kalinowski: We're doing it now?"
Heath Hollensbe:We're getting milkshakes, right?
Heath Hollensbe:No, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oh, and never bring it up.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, never.
Caesar Kalinowski:Never, never bring it up.
Heath Hollensbe:So when I'm loose with my commitments or when I'm overcommitting, I know my kids are watching that, they're taking notes, and I wanna raise them to be people who are, are truthful in their word.
Heath Hollensbe:And you, and you mentioned a story the other day that you're like, I… When I was telling you this, you're like, "I gotta read you this story."
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:" Heath Hollensbe: Let's share it on the show." So would
Caesar Kalinowski:you- Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Again, so the, it comes from this book, Essentialism, but it, it perfectly illustrates this story, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:So here's… I'm gonna read this, so it'll sound like I'm reading it, but it, it's so good.
Caesar Kalinowski:So it says, "A woman named Cynthia once told me a story about the time her father had made plans to take her on a night out in San Francisco.
Caesar Kalinowski:The 12-year-old Cynthia and her father had been planning this daddy-daughter date for months.
Caesar Kalinowski:They had a whole itinerary planned down to the minute.
Caesar Kalinowski:She would attend the last hour of his presentation," so she was in town with him while he was doing a speaking gig, "and then meet him at the back of the room at about 4:30 so they could leave quickly before everyone tried to talk to him.
Caesar Kalinowski:Uh, they'd catch a trolley car to Chinatown, eat Chinese food," which was their, both their favorites, "uh, shop for a souvenir, see the sights for a while, and then catch a flick," as her- Huh … dad liked to say.
Caesar Kalinowski:Then they would grab a taxi back to the hotel, jump in the pool for a quick swim, her dad was famous for sneaking into the pool when it was closed, and then order a hot fudge sundae from room service, watch The Late Late Show, and they had discussed these details over and over before they left.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:The anticipation was one of the best parts of the whole experience.
Heath Hollensbe:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:So she goes on.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, this was all going according to plan until her father was leaving the convention center, he ran into an old college friend and business associate.
Caesar Kalinowski:It had been years since they'd seen each other, and Cynthia watched as they embraced enthusiastically.
Caesar Kalinowski:His friend said, in effect, "I'm so glad you're gonna be doing some work with our company now.
Caesar Kalinowski:When Lois and I heard about it, we thought it, that's gonna be perfect, and we wanna invite you," and of course Cynthia, his daughter, "to get a spectacular seafood dinner with us down at the wharf tonight."
Heath Hollensbe:Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski:Cynthia's father responded, "Bob, it's so great to see you. Dinner at the wharf sounds great." Cynthia was crestfallen.
Caesar Kalinowski:She was so bummed.
Caesar Kalinowski:Her daydreams of trolley rides and ice cream sundaes evaporated in an instant.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:Plus, she hated seafood, and, and she and she said she, uh, just imagined how bored she'd be sitting there listening to adults talk all night.
Caesar Kalinowski:So but then her father continued.
Caesar Kalinowski:He said, "But tonight, Cynthia and I have a special date planned, don't we?" He winked at Cynthia, grabbed her hand, and they ran out the door, and he continued with that, what became an unforgettable night in San Francisco for her.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, as it happens, this, this girl, Cynthia- Yeah
Caesar Kalinowski:her father is the management guru Stephen Covey, and a lot of people- Oh, yeah … have heard of him, did Seven Habits, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:So this guy is a super, super busy guy.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and when she told this story to the author, her, Stephen Covey had just passed.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oh, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:She said that that, that night when that happened, it bonded her and her father together in a way, her heart to her father in a way that she never forgot.
Caesar Kalinowski:He's not a perfect dad, but she knew, "Nope, my dad keeps his word, and he prioritizes me and what he has said to me over business and, you know, ministry or whatever," you know?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And y- wow.
Heath Hollensbe:Change.
Heath Hollensbe:Just that one, one
Caesar Kalinowski:conversation- Yep … one decision changes her life.
Caesar Kalinowski:She'll ne- never forget it, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:And so they probably had lots of date nights, but because of how it went down, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So-
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah
Heath Hollensbe:… Caesar Kalinowski: yeah, you know, let your yes be a yes.
Heath Hollensbe:And, and, you know, you're telling me, like, you know, your kids, they pay attention.
Heath Hollensbe:They absolutely do.
Heath Hollensbe:Think about how many times, like, you know, your kids are … They're there with you and your wife, and they're- Sure … watching TV or playing a game or something like that, and then they overhear you talking like, "Oh, we got this thing tonight.
Heath Hollensbe:I don't wanna go." Yeah. "I don't wanna go either.
Heath Hollensbe:Well, we, you know, we said we would, and we said we'd bring something.
Heath Hollensbe:You know what?
Heath Hollensbe:I'm just gonna call them and tell them I'm not feeling good.
Heath Hollensbe:You know, kind of had a headache all afternoon." Sure.
Heath Hollensbe:And the kids are hearing this, right?
Heath Hollensbe:Yep, they're watching.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So anyway, yeah, let's let our yes be yes, and man, I, I guess I, I wanna say all the time, but especially with your kids.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Man.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, one thing as you were just sharing that story, I thought maybe there's some dads that want a, like a bit of like daddy-daughter date suggestions and stuff, so just to link back to an old show, episode 563.
Heath Hollensbe:If you haven't heard it, it's about daddy-daughter dates, the importance of- Super
Caesar Kalinowski:popular.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:So I just thought- Yeah, awesome … why not throw that in there?
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks for
Caesar Kalinowski:that.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, let's get to the big three for this episode.
Heath Hollensbe:Those are the big three takeaways we want you to leave with after having listened to this, and you get them for free by going to everydaydisciple.com/bigthree.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, what are the big three for this week, man?
Caesar Kalinowski:So the big three, here we go.
Caesar Kalinowski:First one, knowing your priorities and what's truly important to you makes it so much easier to say no to opportunities that are out of alignment w- with those priorities.
Heath Hollensbe:Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So consider the trade-off.
Caesar Kalinowski:If you say yes, what are you crowding out of your life or actually saying no to by making this commitment?
Caesar Kalinowski:Time with your family, with the kids.
Caesar Kalinowski:God, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So second, um, remember, God loves you unconditionally regardless of what you do or don't do.
Heath Hollensbe:Mm.
Caesar Kalinowski:So-
Heath Hollensbe:That's good
Heath Hollensbe:… Caesar Kalinowski: truly believing that your glorious and gracious Father loves you completely lessens the fear of what others may think of you if you say no to 'em.
Heath Hollensbe:Mm.
Caesar Kalinowski:Remember, He loves them, too, and He can lead them to another person or solution to get their need met.
Heath Hollensbe:That's right, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:All right, number three.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, you know, like, we're not sovereign.
Caesar Kalinowski:We don't have to be.
Caesar Kalinowski:And just remember, sit in that love.
Caesar Kalinowski:So third, be honest and firm about when you have to say no or if you have to back out of a commitment.
Caesar Kalinowski:Don't leave half-open loops of, "You know, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it, but may- maybe, I don't … You know, I'll have to see." Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's like you don't have to apologize for saying no on the front end.
Caesar Kalinowski:Just like, you know, you have a choice whether to commit, others also have a choice in how they'll respond to your answer.
Caesar Kalinowski:So be honest, and then leave them and your decision in God's hand.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then go back and remember number two again.
Caesar Kalinowski:God loves you unconditionally.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Heath Hollensbe:You know what's interesting is even as you're saying these three, I'm like, man, this is, this is ultimately forming the character of a person.
Heath Hollensbe:The more you back out of things, like, you just become that person that stops getting invited because you're like, "Eh."
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Don't wanna be around that human anymore.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Be a person of your word, and let your yes be yes, man.
Caesar Kalinowski:Amen.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, if you want those big three, uh, to download for free, again, you can get that by going to everydaydisciple.com/bigthree right now.
Caesar Kalinowski:Man, there's some good stuff coming up and some cool guests.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, we got some good stuff in the pipeline.
Caesar Kalinowski:You've been doubling down on getting the guests, man, and I'm stoked.
Caesar Kalinowski:We've got some good dudes.
Caesar Kalinowski:And there's some really cool people.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, also, if you haven't joined our Facebook group, you can go to Facebook, up in the search bar type in Everyday Disciple Podcast, and as long as you're not a total punk, Caesar and I will keep you-
Heath Hollensbe:in the group.
Caesar Kalinowski:No punks.
Caesar Kalinowski:We have a no punk rule.
Caesar Kalinowski:No punks allowed.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't know how, how do we tell that on, on the interwebs, though?
Heath Hollensbe:It depends on how m- how often they comment, right?
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks for joining us today.
Heath Hollensbe:For more information on this show and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit everydaydisciple.com.
Heath Hollensbe:And remember, you really can live with the spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.