How to Actually Apologize (Not Just Say Sorry)
We’ve all seen hollow public apologies. But most of us won’t face public scandal—we’ll face everyday moments when we’ve hurt someone and need to make it right. Sometimes it’s sin, sometimes it’s unintentional. How do you know the difference? And how do you apologize well?
In this episode of the Everyday Disciple Podcast, we’re going to show you what makes an apology actually work—and what secretly sabotages it. We’ll explore the biblical foundation for making things right, walk through the three core elements every genuine apology needs, and help you spot the four mistakes that torpedo apologies.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- The real reason you’re putting off that apology
- What the gospel teaches us about confession and restoration
- The three essential components of a genuine apology
- Four deadly phrases that undermine your sincerity
From this episode:
“Putting off making an apology, when you know that you are the offending party, is selfish. And it is probably the result of self-love and/or fear of man issues. Ask God to give you the humility to go and make an honest and full apology, trusting him for the results. This episode will encourage you and help you move toward true reconciliation.”
Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.
Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for joining us again this week. Have some feedback you’d like to share? Join us on Facebook and take part in the discussion!
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it using the social media buttons you see at the top of this page or right below.
Also, please leave an honest review for The Everyday Disciple Podcast on iTunes. Ratings and reviews are extremely helpful and greatly appreciated! They do matter in the rankings of the show, and we read each and every one of them.
Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Coaching and Mentorship in Missional Living by Caesar and his wife Tina
Resources for missional living and group training – Missio Publishing
Video of UCLA students “apologies” A wrong way and two right ways to apologize.
Get Caesar’s latest book: Bigger Gospel for FREE… Click here.
Transcript
I've had things like that happen where a person comes to me and they confess something that they had just in their heart against me, and I didn't even know about it.
Caesar:And they never spoke about it, but they wanted me to know about it now, and it was really a reverse apology.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:You ever had that?
Caesar:Hey, you know, hey, I come to you.
Caesar:I was like, Hey Heath man, I just really wanna apologize about something.
Caesar:What's that man?
Caesar:Well, that was just really harboring, you know, sin in my heart and hard heart against you.
Caesar:Them.
Caesar:You know, you got a new car and I really want a new car and I, you know, this and that, or whatever.
Caesar:And you didn't even know it, man, but I was feeling bad towards you, so would you forgive me for that?
Caesar:I, I just wanna tell our listeners like, that's not what we're talking about.
Caesar:It's terrible.
Caesar:That's terrible.
Caesar:I've got a million things.
Caesar:If it's been between you and God, then deal with it between you and God.
Caesar:Yeah, that's what I would say.
Caesar:Seriously.
Caesar:Absolutely.
Caesar:Like, that's, that's the ground rule.
Caesar:If you sin.
Caesar:Yeah, that you feel like you need to confess it's been between you and God.
Caesar:Then go to that.
Caesar:If you were gossiping to another person about another person, they don't even know it.
Caesar:Go to the other person and confess, Hey, I was, I was tearing down a sister.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar:Hey, I was tear down a brother here and that was wrong.
Caesar:That was sinful.
Caesar:Would you forgive me for that?
Caesar:'cause that was sin.
Caesar:I'm sorry for that.
Caesar:You don't necessarily have to go tell the other person, Hey, by the way, we were just tearing you up in that, you know, in the room over there a little while ago or last week, so bad.
Caesar:That that's not helpful to anybody.
Heath Hollensbe:Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
Heath Hollensbe:In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle.
Heath Hollensbe:This is the stuff your parents, pastors and seminary professors.
Heath Hollensbe:Probably forgot to tell you.
Heath Hollensbe:And now here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, Heath.
Heath Hollensbe:What's going on, my friend?
Heath Hollensbe:First of all, before we jump into this, shout out to Michelle, A-K-A-M-J, who wrote a really cool review.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, mj.
Heath Hollensbe:Thank you.
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks.
Heath Hollensbe:She said, I'm so glad a friend shared this podcast with me.
Heath Hollensbe:You guys do such a killer job breaking down what God has called us to do.
Heath Hollensbe:And that's making more disciples, which we agree with.
Heath Hollensbe:I truly enjoy and look forward to my 25 minute drive to work, being able to listen and learn and share on your daily topics.
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks for listening to God and sharing with us what God is using you for.
Heath Hollensbe:So thanks mjs.
Heath Hollensbe:Awesome.
Caesar:That's awesome.
Caesar:I wonder, I, I hope everybody's digging the 25 minute.
Caesar:Format.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Now, obviously sometimes apart from last week, we shoot over.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Apart from last week.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:It was like 35, so, you know what I mean?
Caesar:Some of my favorite podcasts are like an hour and a half, and it takes me a week to get through 'em.
Caesar:But I hope, I mean, and, and I'd love some feedback either on our Facebook group or just, you know, email us on, on our site or whatever.
Caesar:But I hope that's a good length because, I mean, I feel like we're flying brother.
Heath:I know there's times where I'm like, I don't want to be over 'cause I've got a 15 question so's whys.
Caesar:Well, sometimes like last week we pushed, you know, an extra 10 on people, but, but it was gold.
Caesar:I feel like it was such good.
Caesar:Stuff that we needed to talk about.
Caesar:So maybe we'll start getting into some part one, part two stuff so we can go a little deeper.
Caesar:Huh?
Caesar:If you'd like
Heath:that, let us know on the Facebook group.
Heath:Alright.
Heath:Email.
Caesar:Groovy.
Heath:So Caesar, we're talking today about the right and wrong way to apologize.
Heath:Yeah, and I have been called a loose canon at times and I find that I spend a lot of my time apologizing.
Heath:For things I've said or things I've done, or ways I've acted rashly and I'm growing.
Heath:Right.
Caesar:By the way, I have a little list.
Caesar:We can talk.
Caesar:Okay, thanks.
Caesar:Let's do this offline.
Caesar:I'm,
Heath:I'm done being beat up.
Heath:So in my apologizing sometimes I think it goes really well and other times I feel like it's going awful.
Heath:Like I'm speaking a foreign language.
Heath:We can't connect, I'm not connecting well with the person I'm trying to apologize to.
Heath:Does that make sense to you?
Heath:Have you ever been there?
Caesar:It totally does.
Caesar:I, there's.
Caesar:There's something about sometimes even approaching a person to make an apology that is just, it's weird.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:It seems it shouldn't seem so foreign.
Caesar:I think there, there'll be live with such a perception of how awesome I am.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:That when I have to finally admit like, nah, I kind of screwed you over on that, you know?
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Unintentionally or intentionally, you know, it's just like, boy, I don't even like going there.
Caesar:I have so let me down.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:You're like, no one's saying that, but I, I, I think that's, feel it.
Caesar:That's kind of,
Heath:or when I'm trying to humble myself enough and I go, Hey, I really need to apologize, and it's like, okay.
Heath:About what?
Heath:You're like, oh, nevermind.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:You're not ready to receive it.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:And, and I think too, um, we've all received sort of false apologies.
Caesar:Meaning they're really more about the other, the person giving the apology than you.
Heath:Yeah.
Caesar:And so they feel like, no.
Caesar:Yeah, whatever that was just you trying to make you, you feel better.
Caesar:So I'm
Heath:sorry,
Caesar:I don't wanna be perceived that way.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:I'm sorry.
Caesar:Their kids say you're sorry.
Caesar:I'm sorry.
Caesar:Seem real.
Caesar:Sorry.
Caesar:Okay,
Heath:so what is the purpose of apologizing and actually like to break it down, what is an actual
Caesar:apology?
Heath:Yeah.
Caesar:Okay, so let's, let's, let's go Science, let's the, A definition from dictionary of apology, and it's really helpful actually, is a regretful acknowledgement of an offense or failure.
Heath:Huh?
Caesar:Say it again.
Caesar:A regretful, regretful.
Caesar:Acknowledgement.
Caesar:Acknowledgement
Heath:of an offense or a failure.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:So meaning there should be some regret there.
Caesar:You're acknowledging something, right?
Caesar:You're acknowledging both.
Caesar:Uh, there's, you have regret over a, an offense, huh?
Caesar:So that means you have to name something there.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:So let me say this.
Caesar:An apology is not always or necessarily connected with sin against God or another person.
Caesar:Okay?
Caesar:But, but often it is.
Caesar:We tend to think like you need to apologize.
Caesar:You know, like you as Christians like, 'cause she syndicates a person.
Caesar:An apology might be for something that you did unintentionally that ended up hurting.
Caesar:Another person or costing them something like, you know, I hate in the parking lot come back from lunch.
Caesar:I accidentally backed into your car, man.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:I wanna apologize.
Caesar:I was being careless, I was checking my text.
Caesar:I know you're not supposed to.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:And so, like, I wanna take care of that.
Caesar:I'm really sorry 'cause I know you, there's gonna be a lot of time spent having a jack with your insurance in mind and all.
Caesar:But I, I want, I'm really sorry.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:So that's not sin.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:It is an accident.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:And there's things in life we do.
Caesar:You know, uh, you know, we may have done it intentionally that we didn't know or understand how it would affect another person, but it did.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:And we, we get to apologize for those things too, like.
Caesar:You know, you didn't finish up that report at work last night.
Caesar:Um, you know, you ran outta time.
Caesar:You planned to do it in the morning, but it really messed up another person.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Like they, they were really counting on it.
Caesar:'cause you said I'll have it, but it just didn't fit in.
Caesar:'cause they don't know the boss threw something else on you, whatever.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:Um, makes sense.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:But a regretful acknowledgement of that failure.
Caesar:That's an apology.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:And it can be very appropriate in those types of situations too.
Caesar:So it's not always just, I'm apologizing for willful sin against a person.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:Or I didn't know it, but I guess it's, I guess it offended you, you know, it's, yeah.
Caesar:Sometimes it's just, it's just you're, you're acknowledging that you failed in an area.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:And it cost a person.
Caesar:That's great, man.
Caesar:Right?
Caesar:Or hurt 'em or whatever.
Heath:And we've all been in those situations and one of the things that we talk about on the podcast is that this is how we try to live with greater intentionality and integrated faith in every area of life.
Heath:So bringing in a faith aspect to this, what is a foundational reason that we need to apologize?
Heath:Is it for.
Heath:Restored relationships.
Heath:Is it just because that's, it's big part of it, a
Caesar:command to us?
Caesar:Why apologize.
Caesar:Okay, so let's just check out a little bit of scripture here.
Caesar:And this, this one, James five 16 is most often quoted in connection with why we should apologize.
Caesar:I'm gonna twist it on its ear a little bit, but I'm gonna, I mean, I'm gonna read it, right?
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:But I'm, then I'm gonna, so James five 16 says, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:And then this is another one that that often comes up is, is Matthew 5 23 and 24.
Caesar:It says, so if you're presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the temple, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar.
Caesar:Go and be reconciled that person and then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:That's cool.
Caesar:You've heard those probably connected to keeping short accounts with other Absolutely.
Caesar:People and all that, right?
Caesar:Absolutely.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:So, but let me say this, it's interesting 'cause in James says, confess your sins to each other.
Caesar:Uh, we've talked about this so much on the show.
Caesar:Sin, all sin comes from unbelief.
Caesar:So what, where you could really fairly substitute, confess your unbelief to one another.
Caesar:So that's a very cool verse.
Caesar:In light of that, how cool to confess your unbelief in what is true about God and us to one another.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:And then pray for each other's unbelief so that they can be healed and restored in those areas of life and relationships.
Caesar:So I don't know if that verse is really.
Caesar:Scripture specifically, you know, James meant it to be about like apologizing.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:I really think it's more about life and community.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Confess your unbelief to each other and like, Hey, in this area of life I'm really stressing out.
Caesar:Like, like I'm just not sure if God's gonna show up, man, financially this time, you know, or health wise this time, or relationally this time.
Caesar:And so you're confessing your own belief, what's true of God and what he says is true of you as his kids and all that, right?
Caesar:So that you can be healed.
Caesar:So that you can be healed in that area and get set free.
Caesar:Um, but this Matthew verse, you know, like, hey, if you realize someone has something against you, then, then before you try to like present to God something Yeah.
Caesar:Like go ahead and deal with that too.
Caesar:'cause you're aware of it.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:So I think this is an awareness issue if you are aware of things.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:And as much as it be at peace with you, like, you know, I mean be up to you live at peace with other people.
Caesar:Um.
Caesar:Then do so.
Caesar:Yeah, do so.
Caesar:And I think that's what scripture is, is, is showing us to do that.
Heath:That's cool.
Heath:I actually led a, uh, service a couple years ago, communion service, where we had a time of prayer before we took communion, asking God to reveal to us like who we might be at odds with.
Heath:Which it usually just, it doesn't take much time to pray through that.
Heath:You know who it is.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:But it was also like a five or 10 minute like, Hey, if that person's in the room.
Heath:Go make things right right now before you even come take communion or maybe need to make a phone call or send a text message and set up a meeting.
Heath:So it was kind of a cool way to implement, like go make things right, like physically with your neighbor or a lost relationship, and then come to this table and be reconciled with God.
Caesar:You know, I've, I've done and seen things like that and I've had things like that happen where, um, a person comes to me and they confess something.
Caesar:That they had just in their heart against me, and I didn't even know about it, and they never spoke about it, but they wanted me to know about it now, and it was really a reverse apology.
Caesar:Yeah, you ever had that?
Caesar:Hey, you know, hey, I come to you.
Caesar:I was like, Hey, Heath man, I just really wanna apologize about something.
Caesar:What's that man?
Caesar:Well, I was just really harboring, you know, sitting in my heart and hard heart against you from, you know, you got a new car and I really want a new car and I, you know, this and that, or whatever.
Caesar:And you didn't even know it, man, but I was feeling bad towards you, so would you forgive me for that?
Caesar:I, I just wanna tell our listeners like, don't, that's not, that's not what we're talking about.
Caesar:It's terrible.
Caesar:That's terrible.
Caesar:No, I've got a million things play.
Caesar:If it's been between you and God, then deal with it between you and God.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:That's what I would say.
Caesar:Seriously.
Caesar:Absolutely.
Caesar:Like, that's, that's the ground rule.
Caesar:If, if your sin Yeah.
Caesar:That you feel like you need to confess has, has been between you and God.
Caesar:Then go to, if you were gossiping to another person about another person and they don't even know it, go to the other person and confess, Hey, I was, I was tearing down a sister.
Heath:Yeah.
Caesar:Hey, I was tearing down a brother here and that was wrong.
Caesar:It was sinful.
Caesar:Would you forgive me for that?
Caesar:'cause that was sin.
Caesar:I'm sorry for that.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:You don't necessarily have to go tell the other person.
Caesar:Hey, by the way, we were just tearing you.
Caesar:You know, up in that, you know, in the room over there a little while ago or last week.
Caesar:That's so bad he that, that's not helpful to anybody.
Caesar:And that puts him in a very, what are they supposed to do with that?
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:What are they supposed to do with that?
Caesar:Oh, I don't know.
Caesar:Like that, that tears down trust.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:If though that person's aware of the offense or the action, or the words or whatever, and you know, they know, and the spirit lays it on you, Hey, that's not been cleaned up yet.
Caesar:As much as it be with you to try to live at peace with that person.
Caesar:Absolutely,
Heath:man.
Heath:What would you say about apologizing for things that are not necessarily connected to sin and unbelief?
Heath:Why might that be a good thing?
Heath:Okay.
Heath:And then I wanna also look at the right and wrong ways to
Caesar:apologize.
Caesar:All right, groovy.
Caesar:Um, so when we apologize, when we give a regretful acknowledgement of an offense or a failure, we've committed to someone else, I think this is why it's important.
Caesar:It's, it's a huge act of humility.
Caesar:Think about it, to go to someone and say.
Caesar:I screwed this up and I know it hurt you this way.
Caesar:It's really humbling.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:And humility is one of the chief chief marks of Christ in our life.
Caesar:But there again, we're, you know, your question was specifically, it's not even sin, but you know, like that exact example I gave.
Caesar:Sure, Hey man, I, I worked hard yesterday but I didn't get that report done and I know you really need it this morning and that's screwing up your day.
Caesar:Or your boss was on you 'cause you couldn't, and I'm just sorry for that.
Caesar:That's humbling.
Caesar:Versus like, dude, we're all busy around here.
Caesar:Or just ignoring it.
Caesar:It's like when you know that your actions or failures maybe unintended, or maybe they were intended, but you didn't know that's, that's what the outcome would be.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:When you know they've caused someone harm or hurt them or caused them, then you get to say there's an opportunity for humility and an opportunity to show what Christ is like.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:That's not false humility.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:That's, that's like you really did.
Caesar:So you're going with a regretful acknowledgement of, of a failure.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:And I think it is a humbling Yeah, and, and some people are gonna hear this as like as a witnessing tool.
Caesar:I'm not saying that even, I'm just saying anytime in life when we get to display the richness of Christ, and clearly he's marked by humility.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:When we get to do that, that's gotta be a good thing.
Caesar:Both as a witness to believers and not yet believers.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:And it's a good exercise for our heart knowing, hey, I can acknowledge.
Caesar:That I don't do everything perfectly, that I let people down, that I'm not all wisdom and you know, all knowing Sure and perfect.
Caesar:Um, and I'm completely loved and accepted by Christ.
Caesar:See you sit in that seat and you can totally be humble then.
Caesar:Yeah, absolutely.
Caesar:So I think that's why it's important.
Heath:That's good, man.
Heath:Even when it's not,
Caesar:hey,
Heath:you sinned against that person,
Caesar:you know?
Caesar:Yeah.
Heath:So I'm seeing a lot on social media and on the news lately.
Heath:There are a lot of people being caught with a lot of different situations and a lot of apologies are being made.
Heath:And I'm seeing more and more this lack of being willing to forgive people.
Heath:It's we want justice, we want demands taken care of.
Heath:We want like the, the wrongs righted.
Heath:I do not accept that apology.
Heath:It wasn't phrased the way I thought it should be, or, yeah, you left this out.
Heath:You left this out.
Heath:Should followers of Jesus be more quick to apologize and reconcile than those who don't yet follow Jesus?
Heath:And if so, why?
Heath:Well,
Caesar:I would I, without trying to, should everybody, I would hope so.
Caesar:I would hope as followers of Christ as people are filled with his spirit, that we are believing our identity, that we are believing that we are loved and accepted perfectly because of a Christ done, not because of our record.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:And so therefore, as Christians, we would be much quicker to both apologize, but also be just as quick to forgive a person and not try to gauge to death.
Caesar:Did they use every perfect word?
Caesar:'cause I'm gonna give some examples coming up here of ways to apologize and not sure.
Caesar:But if our heart posture of one is like, man, I am a dirty, rotten sinner, completely forgiven, and now live in grace and freedom and authority and privilege because of Christ, then that allows me to both humble myself to apologize for.
Caesar:Sinful actions.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:Or even nons sinful ones.
Caesar:But it also then allows me to give people grace.
Caesar:In other words, unmerited favor.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:Isn't that what grace is?
Caesar:Absolutely.
Caesar:So if it's merited, I want them to earn my forgiveness.
Caesar:It's like, how Hmm?
Caesar:Did you earn yours?
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Or it a big question.
Caesar:Christ, Christ, earn that.
Caesar:So I think as Christians yeah.
Caesar:We, let's hopefully we are growing in the, in the acceptance of how deeply loved and accepted we are.
Caesar:Mm-hmm.
Caesar:So that.
Caesar:We can be humble and we can quickly give grace, which is unmarried, favorable.
Caesar:Hey, I don't know.
Caesar:I don't know if that person's a hundred percent sincere.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:But they tried.
Caesar:I'm gonna go ahead and choose to release the debt.
Heath:Yeah,
Caesar:right.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:You get to, you get to
Heath:because it's what's been done for us.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:So let's get into some practical steps.
Heath:What are some right and some wrong ways to apologize?
Caesar:Alright.
Caesar:Um, well first, let's, let's check out this mic drop statement.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:From psychologist Corina Schumann from the University of Pittsburgh.
Caesar:She wrote this.
Caesar:I was like, wow, that's, that's, it's concise.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:She says comprehensive.
Caesar:That means like full fledged, right.
Caesar:Apologies are powerful tools that transgressors can use.
Caesar:To promote reconciliation with the people that they've hurt.
Caesar:However, because many apology elements require transgressors to admit fault or express shameful emotions and promise change the transgressors.
Caesar:Transgressors often avoid these threatening elements and instead choose to use more perfunctory apologies or even defense strategies.
Heath:Whoa.
Caesar:That's heavy.
Caesar:That's pretty heavy.
Caesar:It's a little long.
Caesar:I won't read it again.
Caesar:People can back it up, but wow.
Caesar:Right, and what, you know, what she's saying is.
Caesar:Uh, is that because often a true apology, a real rightly given apology, um, requires us to admit fault and, and maybe even things that we might feel some shame over.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:Um, and we have to promise change and we're not sure if we can it.
Caesar:We often just wanna avoid it.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:I don't know.
Caesar:I don't know how they're gonna receive it.
Caesar:I don't know how I'll do I, it's very threatening, right?
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:So, but there's also a roadmap here toward or away from a true apology.
Caesar:So she gives, she goes on and gives some great practical steps and says, there's three core elements of a good apology.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:First express remorse by saying, I'm sorry, or I apologize, as well as regret by saying, I feel terrible or I regret it.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:So express that on so many apologies I listened to on when you're referencing on tv Yeah.
Caesar:Around all these accusations that are flying around, harassment, sexual harassment, harassment, all kinds of stuff.
Caesar:And political.
Caesar:So, um, often they say, well, so and so admitted something, you listen to it.
Caesar:No apology there.
Caesar:They never say it.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:They regret being busted.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:But they don't, they don't say, I'm sorry, I apologize for the specific thing.
Caesar:Um.
Caesar:Second, she says, accept responsibility by stating I take full responsibility.
Caesar:You know, for my action for that, or I'm truly sorry for fill in the blank, whatever you did.
Caesar:Wow.
Caesar:Like name it basically.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Call it out.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Third, offer to repair the problem you caused by saying that you'll, what you'll do to fix it, or by telling the person that you hurt how you honestly feel about them.
Caesar:Meaning like if you like backed into someone's car, then offered to get it fixed.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:An action if, if it's your words, it somehow hurts someone.
Caesar:You go, oh, they're, they're thinking, I feel this way about them.
Caesar:Then tell the person that you've hurt how you honestly feel about them.
Caesar:Now, maybe it's, I don't feel great about 'em.
Caesar:That's why I jabbed them.
Caesar:And I've actually had situations where I had to say, you know, I, I wanna apologize.
Caesar:I'm sorry for loving me more than you.
Caesar:When I said that yesterday, that was really only half true, and that even hurts you.
Caesar:In reality, I'm having some weird stuff and hardness in my heart.
Caesar:Of past stuff that I never brought up to you.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Then it's not fair to you.
Caesar:'cause you don't even know why I'm kind of like a hair trigger.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:And see what I'm saying?
Caesar:Yeah, for sure.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:Now, if a appropriate Schumann says an apology may require additional elements, okay.
Caesar:Besides those three, an explanation of your words or actions.
Heath:Okay.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:That that's not an excuse.
Caesar:Explanation of your words or actions saying that you admit that you actually did those.
Caesar:You calling it out?
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Mm-hmm.
Caesar:Uh, a promise that you'll behave better in the future, or you will try to, you know what I mean to, yeah.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:Like, you know, I saw something on TV the other day, um, an apology, you know, those, uh, a few weeks ago, those guys that were arrested in China, UCLA players.
Caesar:Mm-hmm.
Caesar:Um, and.
Caesar:There was three guys that quote gave a public apology.
Caesar:First guy, zero apology, huh?
Caesar:The second, third guy.
Caesar:Amazing.
Caesar:Apologies as if they'd read her book, you know, or something.
Caesar:Wow.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:And, um, they, they, the two guys who did it well, both said, I, I just wanna assure you, this type of behavior will never happen again.
Caesar:And in that case it was shoplifting said, I will never do that again.
Heath:Wow.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:Now could they, is it possible that could happen?
Caesar:Yeah, sure.
Caesar:But their intent is, I've learned my lesson from that and it hurt you and it hurt people and it was illegal and I'm, you know what I mean?
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:That's owning it.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Uhhuh acknowledgement that you understand how your victim has suffered.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Now, if you don't know.
Caesar:You just know they're ticked.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:You can even ask Now that's vulnerable.
Caesar:For sure.
Caesar:Hey, I'm sorry.
Caesar:This seems to have affected you deeply.
Caesar:I wanna understand that better because I really am sorry.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Or acknowledging I know that when I did this, or I know that when I said this, you probably felt this and then started to wonder about that or how I felt here or what others might be thinking.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:Acknowledge that you understand how they suffered.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Um, and next admission of wrongdoing, such as, it was wrong of me to say the things I said or I shouldn't have spoken poorly about you.
Caesar:That's good.
Caesar:So admission of the wrongdoing in specific again, right?
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:And then a request for forgiveness.
Heath:Huh?
Heath:That's a heavy one, man.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:That's hard.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:And this is a
Caesar:secular author saying, Hey, a true apology very well likely is gonna say, and, and I hope you can forgive me.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:I, I, you don't, you don't owe that to me.
Caesar:That's position of humility, but I hope you can.
Caesar:So equally important to what you do or say is what you don't do or don't say by the way.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:Okay, so here's a quote from Benjamin Franklin.
Caesar:Never ruin an apology with an excuse, dude, that is so good.
Heath:How many apologies have, have I made?
Heath:Or that's, they're going, well, pretty now pretty contr trite.
Heath:But then to soften your own ego below, I'm really sorry I did this and I, I acknowledge it hurts you.
Heath:But you gotta understand, I was blah, blah, blah, blah.
Heath:I was really
Caesar:tired, man.
Caesar:I mean, the kids were up all night, like, you know, you've
Heath:just
Caesar:negated everything or whatever.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:You just totally did.
Heath:Yeah.
Caesar:And, and you know, generally what the other person goes, man, I know man, I have my kids sick sometimes, or whatever, you know?
Caesar:Right, yeah.
Caesar:And yeah, exactly.
Caesar:So never ruin an apology with excuse.
Caesar:Thanks Ben Franklin.
Caesar:He was wild man.
Caesar:That's amazing.
Caesar:So, you know, uh, again, back to.
Caesar:Um, some of these things that are on TV pay close attention to when all these stars, these film producers, all these politicians that are being accused of different things right now on the news and, and many of 'em, they're quick to quote, apologize, pay close attention.
Caesar:Are they in fact doing any of those things?
Caesar:Are, are they naming what it was?
Caesar:Are they saying, I'm sorry, I apologize for that.
Caesar:Are they acknowledging how it hurt that person?
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:Generally they're just saying that was really bad.
Caesar:Mm-hmm.
Caesar:Yeah, and it happened, so like if I admit it, it's good.
Caesar:Right?
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Are you, are you gonna do it again?
Caesar:Are you saying that's okay?
Caesar:Or would you have admitted it if you weren't cut?
Caesar:It technically happened.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:Exactly.
Caesar:It's, it's, you're absolutely right.
Caesar:There's so many things.
Caesar:Maybe I'll even throw a link, uh, from that UCLS students video.
Caesar:'cause it's, it's really short.
Caesar:It's five minutes.
Caesar:That's three of 'em.
Caesar:Apologize, quote unquote, the first guy, not at all.
Caesar:The second and third.
Caesar:Really?
Caesar:Well, huh?
Caesar:Like, really?
Caesar:Well.
Caesar:I'm like, wow.
Caesar:What a contrast in the right way to apologize.
Caesar:The wrong way to apologize.
Heath:Caesar, maybe it's, maybe there's a couple things we could do as Christians that would be even additional steps in our apologies, or, or something.
Heath:I know you had had four things that you mentioned offline.
Heath:I'd love to hear those unpacked on the show for people.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Those things that we've mentioned already, I think are just good across the board.
Caesar:Mm-hmm.
Caesar:That's, that's a solid, what apology really is and what it's not.
Caesar:Right.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:But additionally, as Christians, when we know we've sinned, okay, so now we're talking about sin.
Caesar:Actually not the accidental stuff.
Caesar:Sure, we still show policies for, but when we know we've sinned and it's hurt someone, or it's maligned their character, it's important to remember these four things.
Caesar:First name the specific sin that we committed.
Caesar:Okay, not the action, but this is how I sinned against you.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:This was sinful.
Caesar:And then second state, why it was wrong and sinful.
Heath:It's ownership.
Heath:Yeah.
Caesar:Third.
Caesar:Why it's an offense against God.
Caesar:Because we know from scripture, right, that all sin is actually from unbelief.
Caesar:Sure.
Caesar:Ultimately our sin.
Caesar:Ultimate against God.
Caesar:Against God.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:That's right.
Caesar:And then fourth.
Caesar:State how it does not demonstrate the love and character of Christ that you want to always live by.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Now that's a hard one.
Caesar:Most people don't want to go there.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Like they, but these four name the sins state, why it's wrong and sinful, why it's an effects offense against God and how it did not demonstrate what God was like.
Caesar:And so often, especially if we're a Christian and we're apologizing to a non-Christian, they're glad we apologized, but they have to, then they're left wondering, is this what God's like?
Caesar:Is this what Christians are like?
Caesar:And since our offense and our sin is ultimately against God, I think it's important as Christians that we point out to believers and not yet believers that what we did did not demonstrate the loving character of our father God.
Caesar:Absolutely in Jesus.
Caesar:It just didn't.
Caesar:And here's why.
Caesar:And I'm sorry for that 'cause I want to be more like that.
Heath:That's one of the best ways to parent as well.
Heath:I do that with a lot of my, you know, when I blow off my kids and it's like, guys, I'm, I'm a jacked up dad.
Heath:I want to be like Jesus, here's what God's like, here's what God's like, here's what I did.
Heath:That's why it's
Caesar:sinful.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:'cause I'm tearing down his character.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Most
Heath:of
Caesar:all, it's the most sinful part of it.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:I'm not showing you what God is like.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:I'm lying to you about who God is.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:Uh, if you wanna go a little bit deeper on this topic, one of the ways to get there is back on episode five 13, we actually had a really great deep discussion about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Heath:'cause those are two.
Heath:Do totally different things also.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:Apology
Caesar:leads to asking for forgiveness, which is the beginning then of reconciliation.
Caesar:So they're all, which is the ultimate goal.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:Episode five 13 was awesome.
Heath:Yeah.
Heath:Caesar, we're running outta time.
Heath:We need to get to the big three, and you can get those by going to everyday Disciple dot com slash big three.
Heath:These are the takeaways that we want you to walk away with from this episode.
Heath:What are the big three for this week?
Heath:Here
Caesar:you go.
Caesar:First.
Caesar:Putting off, making an apology when you know that you are the offending party is, is selfish.
Caesar:It's just selfish, and it's probably the result of self-love and or fear of man issues.
Caesar:You're loving yourself so much, or you fear what they're gonna also say, even though they've already offended them.
Caesar:Sure that you put it off.
Caesar:Ask God to give you the humility to go and make an honest and full apology and trust him for the results.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:And remember the other person.
Caesar:Gets to choose their response and they may not be ready to accept your apology yet and move toward forgiveness.
Caesar:Yeah.
Caesar:But that's on their side.
Caesar:They get to, you know, they get to choose.
Caesar:They get to, but don't put it off because that's just selfish.
Caesar:Second, God has already forgiven your sin, whatever it was on the cross, and he's at work restoring the relationships that have been affected by your words or your actions.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Okay.
Caesar:So I, I wanna listen.
Caesar:Just remember, you have nothing to prove to God he loves you completely, but.
Caesar:You may be creating distance between God and yourself and others by not confessing and owning up to what you've done.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Just remember though, there's no condemnation for those who belong to Christ.
Caesar:So you can trust him as you humble yourself and give these apologies.
Caesar:That's
Heath:great.
Caesar:And third, when apologizing to someone, make a full and honest apology.
Caesar:Justifying your words or actions by defending your behavior or making excuses isn't really an apology.
Caesar:Hmm.
Caesar:Be specific about exactly what you did and why it was wrong.
Caesar:Say the words.
Caesar:I am sorry.
Caesar:I apologize for.
Caesar:Blank, right?
Caesar:Fill it in.
Caesar:Be specific about why what you did was wrong.
Caesar:Why and how it caused them harm.
Caesar:And don't apologize for how the other person now feels, you know, like, I'm sorry.
Caesar:You feel bad.
Caesar:Yep.
Caesar:I won't do that again.
Caesar:No.
Caesar:Apologize for your actions and words.
Caesar:That's great, man.
Caesar:Time's up, unfortunately.
Caesar:Well, I hope that's helpful stuff.
Caesar:I mean, absolutely.
Caesar:That's pretty heavy.
Caesar:We're flying, that's all.
Caesar:It's not, we're sorry.
Caesar:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Caesar:For, uh, the Victory hit us up on, hit us up on the Facebook group.
Caesar:We can continue the conversation, right?
Caesar:Absolutely.
Caesar:Join the Facebook group and let's keep the conversation going.
Caesar:I'd love to,
Heath:yeah, absolutely.
Heath:To get there again, you go to facebook.com up in the search bar.
Heath:Type an Everyday Disciple Podcast, Caesar and I will approve you to the group.
Heath:And conversation gets deeper there.
Heath:Again, if you want the big three for this week, you can get those by going to everyday Disciple dot com slash big three.
Heath:Thanks for joining us today.
Heath:For more information on this show and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit everyday Disciple dot com.
Heath:And remember, you really can live with a spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.