7 Community Relationship Killers
Life in a community on God’s mission is messy. It just is. Lots of relational dynamics come into play… hopes, fears, preferences, etc. Things will get complicated when you have humans working together!
In this episode, Caesar gives you 7 community relationship killers that you’ll want to watch for and avoid. You’re going to need this!
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- Why confidentiality is critical for a healthy community.
- How unspoken expectations undermine unity.
- How to deal with the “fixer” in your group.
- Ways that leaders set the tone and ethos for the community.
From this episode:`
“If expectations stay unspoken, and probably everyone has their own… you’ll start to–or continue to–have conflicts and hurt feelings that go unaddressed. Without vision, values, and expectations about who we are, what we’re doing together, and WHY being discussed and agreed upon, you’re open to a lot of conflicts and unspoken hard feelings”
Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.
Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for joining us again this week. Have some feedback you’d like to share? Join us on Facebook and take part in the discussion!
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it using the social media buttons you see at the top of this page or right below.
Also, please subscribe and leave an honest review for The Everyday Disciple Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Ratings and reviews are extremely helpful and greatly appreciated! They do matter in the rankings of the show, and we read each and every one of them.
Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Coaching with Caesar and Tina in discipleship and missional living.
Free Discipleship and Missional Resources
Transcript
Unspoken expectations within the community is a real relational killer, and if expectations for how we're going to live together, be together, how often, what we're about, you know, what we're doing, the tone of it all, if expectations stay unspoken, and probably everyone has their own set of expectations that may or may not line up with yours or others in the community, when that happens, you'll start to, or you'll continue to have conflicts and hurt feelings that go unaddressed.
Caesar Kalinowski:Without vision and clarification of our values and expectations about who we are, what we're doing together, and why, all being discussed, agreed upon, and understood, you're open to a lot of conflict and unspoken hard feelings that the enemy loves to twist and deepen, and it'll use to destroy your community.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, you're going to want to Discuss those things early on as best you can.
Heath Hollensbe:Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
Heath Hollensbe:In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle.
Heath Hollensbe:This is the stuff your parents, pastors, and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.
Heath Hollensbe:And now, here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.
Caesar Kalinowski:Man, oh man, it is hot.
Caesar Kalinowski:hot here this week.
Caesar Kalinowski:We are experiencing record high temps.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're saying it's going to be over a hundred here in the next couple of days.
Caesar Kalinowski:My old buddy Heath and I are supposed to be at a rugby game here this Sunday and they're saying 102.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't even know if they'll play that game then.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:We'll see.
Caesar Kalinowski:Anyway, not complaining.
Caesar Kalinowski:We don't get that much hot weather here.
Caesar Kalinowski:Hey, I want to invite you to join me over on Facebook and join us, really, the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:We have a Facebook group there for the Everyday Disciple Podcast, and you can find out about new episodes, upcoming training.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes I put resources up there, and you can ask questions about the show or just life on mission in general, and people are always quick to help.
Caesar Kalinowski:I try to be in there regularly, almost daily for sure, and also Give my thoughts on different things.
Caesar Kalinowski:So get in there.
Caesar Kalinowski:Join us.
Caesar Kalinowski:The water is fine.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ask questions.
Caesar Kalinowski:Answer questions But we're a lot better and smarter together You can check out the Facebook group by searching for it or just go to everyday disciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash Facebook And if you're interested in learning a full framework for discipleship and mission, if you want to grow in your gospel fluency in everyday life, really be able to speak good news into messy situations, good situations, life in general, I'd love to show you how.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'd love to teach you more, show you some of the things God's shown us in our coaching, and we can help you learn the same things and pass them on in your community.
Caesar Kalinowski:Let's set up a short zoom call so I can get to know you, answer any questions you have.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then hopefully get you into a cohort with Tina and I real soon.
Caesar Kalinowski:Tina and I coach as Couples for Couples, and that makes all the difference in the world to get you and your spouse on the same page and learning together going forward.
Caesar Kalinowski:You can find out more about that and fill out a little form.
Caesar Kalinowski:Send me a notice that you want to set up a time for a quick information call.
Caesar Kalinowski:We can talk.
Caesar Kalinowski:Just go to everydaydisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash coaching.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's all you need to do.
Caesar Kalinowski:And you'll find everything you need right there.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, as we get started today, I just want to say and remind us I've said it before, but life in a community on God's mission is messy.
Caesar Kalinowski:It really, it is.
Caesar Kalinowski:It just is.
Caesar Kalinowski:And there's lots of relational dynamics that come into play, hopes, fears, major life events that are happening that take people in and out of the mission and out of the game.
Caesar Kalinowski:Our personal preferences, all that stuff comes into play and things will get complicated when you have humans working together.
Caesar Kalinowski:They just do.
Caesar Kalinowski:So today I want to give you, pretty quickly, seven community relationship killers that you're going to want to avoid.
Caesar Kalinowski:Some of these are very obvious, but they tend to just crop up over and over.
Caesar Kalinowski:In all the years of starting and helping people start missional communities, we see these seven.
Caesar Kalinowski:relational killers happening all the time.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it still surprises me.
Caesar Kalinowski:You'd think the gospel would root this out more often.
Caesar Kalinowski:However, some of these are well worn grooves.
Caesar Kalinowski:, they're not necessarily in any particular order, but here you go.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's the first one.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's dominating.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's someone who dominates the time of the community when they're together all the time.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, that person where it's always about them or their problem, or they've got to press their viewpoint.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then that just makes it awkward for others and so so much of the time that we have together Can become all about that one person or it can become about us trying to avoid that one person Gaining the ear of everybody.
Caesar Kalinowski:So that's not good.
Caesar Kalinowski:So look for that and avoid that either in yourself or help others who might be consistently dominating community time together help them figure out what it is that they're really looking for in this community.
Caesar Kalinowski:How can we help you?
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe say that would be great to talk about that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Let's, let's talk about that offline or let's, let's, let's get together next week and talk about that or something like that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now there's another kind of dominating that I've seen also happen that can really kill community.
Caesar Kalinowski:One time we had a couple of leaders in a missional community.
Caesar Kalinowski:It wasn't one I was leading, but it was one I was connected to.
Caesar Kalinowski:And they had an area of disagreement with one of the young ladies, a single gal in the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:She was great, quite a servant.
Caesar Kalinowski:Working through some different things and there were certain things, really not a lot, just an issue that she was in disagreement with the leadership of this missional community over.
Caesar Kalinowski:And they decided to really dominate that situation.
Caesar Kalinowski:And because they said, well, if you don't agree with us, then you're not in submission to us.
Caesar Kalinowski:It kind of got weird.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's a weird word, usually.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so they wouldn't let her lead.
Caesar Kalinowski:And she'd been leading within the community and serving.
Caesar Kalinowski:They wouldn't let her serve all that stuff.
Caesar Kalinowski:They wouldn't.
Caesar Kalinowski:They wouldn't, you know, let her be her as they contended with one another, they dominated that situation and it really soured it for her and for many, many others in the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I, and I have to say, I've seen some of those people never really make their way back into Christian community and sort of remain bitter for years.
Caesar Kalinowski:So watch out for people who are either dominating all the time or people in the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:Leaders or not who feel like they have to dominate and take charge of everything in not healthy or weird ways.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's the next one.
Caesar Kalinowski:Fixing.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know those people that are the fixers?
Caesar Kalinowski:They have to fix everyone.
Caesar Kalinowski:Whatever is going on, instead of just being there as a support, as a listening ear, as a help, they have to right away zoom in and fix everybody.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oftentimes when we're first learning and growing in gospel fluency, We can tend to see that newfound language and ability to see the thing behind a thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:and think it's really best used in swooping in and fixing everybody's problem.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, you know what, here's what you need to know.
Caesar Kalinowski:Either quoting scripture or going, well, this is true of God, and so you don't have to believe that anymore.
Caesar Kalinowski:And while it might be truth, it's not done in time.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's not the right time.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's not good in the moment, perhaps, or in the tone that it's being delivered in.
Caesar Kalinowski:You've probably been there, you've probably had people try to fix you when all you wanted was someone to listen and be with you.
Caesar Kalinowski:You were maybe just venting and being real in the moment, or maybe you've been that fixer.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's not great.
Caesar Kalinowski:One thing you may want to do in your communities is together establish a commitment that as a family, as a community, if someone brings something vulnerable to the group, Everyone honors that.
Caesar Kalinowski:They don't try to fix that person unless that person specifically asks for advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:I read an example in a book called The Cure for Groups of how this might be handled in a real life situation.
Caesar Kalinowski:I found it really, really helpful.
Caesar Kalinowski:When someone shares something with the group that's a bit sensitive or vulnerable, it could look like this.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like thanking that person for the comment.
Caesar Kalinowski:and then redirecting things.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it might sound like this.
Caesar Kalinowski:Someone says something and you go, Oh, that's pretty sensitive.
Caesar Kalinowski:Before we unpack that, I might be wrong, but perhaps Amy might just need us to listen to her on this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I want to make sure we, myself included, avoid slipping into fix it mode.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't know why I do this sometimes, but I want to only offer advice when it's asked for.
Caesar Kalinowski:What do you guys think?
Caesar Kalinowski:See, it doesn't have to be awkward or weird.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's gentle.
Caesar Kalinowski:It does redirect and get right to the point.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if that person then says, no, I really want your advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm really struggling with this or I was hoping you might have some ideas here, whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, that changes things.
Caesar Kalinowski:That opens up the door.
Caesar Kalinowski:I also want to remind you that not too long back in episode number 315 of the podcast, did an episode called, Why No One Really Wants Your Advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, you might want to go back if you feel like There's been some problems with you or others in your community being the fixer and check out that episode.
Caesar Kalinowski:Why no one really wants your advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's the next community relationship killer.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's judging.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Judging others within the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's so easy to do when we get wrapped up in a little nervous and some people's, Oh, like relational capacity is different than others.
Caesar Kalinowski:And by the very nature of being in community, you're, you're sort of rubbing up against everyone else's preferences and ways of doing things or attitudes and all that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we can kind of get judgy out of control or nervousness or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:I can remember one time.
Caesar Kalinowski:There was, uh, there was a young guy, he was in seminary.
Caesar Kalinowski:He was very passionate for Jesus and people in community.
Caesar Kalinowski:But one time he got real judgy with a young mom in the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:She wasn't a believer yet, but she was very much a part of that missional community.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I can't remember exactly what it was that was said, but she had shared something.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's going on in our life or a thought or opinion and he kind of swooped in and judged her for it and said, well, that's not what God wants for your life.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then that's going to net you this or that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I think he might even said, well, that's going to lead to hell or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:It was really strong and it was shamey and destructive.
Caesar Kalinowski:It certainly was not good news.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that situation was very, very telling and had great ramifications for both her because she, at this point, she got very offended and, and with good reason really.
Caesar Kalinowski:And she said, I, I'm not going to come and hang out at family dinner nights with the community anymore, if this guy's here and everybody said, well, we certainly can understand that it wouldn't be what we'd hoped for.
Caesar Kalinowski:And for at least two or three months, she really kind of wasn't around much.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we, we still saw her in community, but it wasn't the same.
Caesar Kalinowski:And he was devastated by it.
Caesar Kalinowski:He was gutted by it.
Caesar Kalinowski:He really understood the community, talked to him about it.
Caesar Kalinowski:He understood the error of his ways there, how he had judged her and it wasn't good.
Caesar Kalinowski:And after some time had passed, God humbled him and also gave him the ways, the words to be able to apologize to her and seek her forgiveness.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that was a beautiful thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it did restore that relationship.
Caesar Kalinowski:God was good in that and she found her way back into more regular rhythms in the community and he learned a lifelong invaluable lesson.
Caesar Kalinowski:He's gone on to actually plant a church and lead lots of people to Christ and he's a great guy and he was then too but in that moment he got real judgy and it wasn't great.
Caesar Kalinowski:We don't want, we don't want to live that way.
Caesar Kalinowski:In scripture Jesus says, I did not come to judge people.
Caesar Kalinowski:The father who sent me is commanding me what to say and how to say it, and I know his commands lead to eternal life, so I say whatever the father tells me to say.
Caesar Kalinowski:I think way, way too often we speak without first taking the time to hear our father's voice and his words.
Caesar Kalinowski:And unless and until you do, it's probably wise and humble just to be quiet.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I know some of you are thinking right now, Oh yeah, well, we're called to judge the world and this and that and all that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Listen, there is a difference of a right spirit that looks to honor God and be full of grace.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's a difference between judging and discernment.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're called to be very discerning, but not to judge.
Caesar Kalinowski:In other words, pass judgment on another person or their motives or their heart or all those things.
Caesar Kalinowski:Be careful with that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's another one.
Caesar Kalinowski:Leaking.
Caesar Kalinowski:Leaking has to do with confidentiality within the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's critical for a healthy group, for healthy community life.
Caesar Kalinowski:When we are living life on God's mission, there's a lot going on.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's increasingly people are laying down their lives for the sake of the mission and giving of their time and their money and their efforts and laying down preference and all that and the enemy is going to attack that but also our gospel unbelief is going to surface like never before and so we're going to be working on things and we're going to be letting our redemption show and being honest about that.
Caesar Kalinowski:But we want to know that our community is a safe place to be, to let our sin show, to let a redemption show, to seek help, or sometimes just seek understanding as the Spirit of God works in someone's hearts.
Caesar Kalinowski:Leaking is a community killer.
Caesar Kalinowski:We have something in our world we call DNA groups.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're like triads of people, either three guys together or three women, they get together and they really go deep and get to know each other.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that is a place that is safe and it's not for outside sharing.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we've seen times where either in community or in maybe one of the larger community or maybe in one of these DNA groups, someone has mentioned something about, well, we're not letting everybody know, but we're thinking of moving.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're actually thinking of moving to this city or that or whatever and they'll be talking about it But that was confidential space and then all of a sudden they hear about that coming back from the community So everybody's like, oh, you know, they're having dinner the next week together and I go.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oh, so you guys are moving What's going on with that?
Caesar Kalinowski:They're like, um, well, no, we're not but we were thinking and praying about it But apparently that got leaked, you know, or maybe someone's pregnant, but they've not let everybody know yet and then someone's like putting it on Facebook, Hey, congrats, you can't wait for the new baby.
Caesar Kalinowski:And they're like, great.
Caesar Kalinowski:My mom saw that and I hadn't told her yet.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ooh, one time Tina and I had shared some stuff that we were working through in our marriage.
Caesar Kalinowski:We've been married a long time and at that point it was less, but it was still a really long time and we were just being honest and vulnerable with someone we trusted in the community about what we were working on and some challenges we were facing and we were getting some help from somebody in the community who was a counselor for that and we were just working through it and we were letting them know and being honest and seeking prayer and all that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And this individual went and shared all that with the elders of our community completely out of context and I was one of the elders actually, but they went and completely, they shared that completely out of context.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then all of a sudden we're being called in and there's this big heavy meeting about our marriage falling apart and we're not above reproach and all these issues.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oh, that was icky.
Caesar Kalinowski:That was weird.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it wasn't good.
Caesar Kalinowski:There was a confidence that got leaked and it led to a lot of, lots of problems that eventually got straightened out, but literally it took, it took months.
Caesar Kalinowski:And what ultimately happened was there was gossip.
Caesar Kalinowski:There was something shared in confidence that got leaked.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then it was talked to about with a whole lot of other people that weren't a part of this, weren't asked to be a part of it, weren't brought into that level of confidence behind our backs.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's, that's like the very.
Caesar Kalinowski:Definition almost of gossip and that's really the next relational killer for community is gossiping Yeah, gossiping will kill and destroy so much of relationships.
Caesar Kalinowski:I've seen it just explode whole communities.
Caesar Kalinowski:I've done a whole episode and post and all kinds of stuff on gossip.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's been very, very popular.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, uh, you might want to check all that out.
Caesar Kalinowski:You can go, it's, it's, it's way back.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's episode 111, how to avoid poisonous gossip in your life.
Caesar Kalinowski:But let me just give you a few quick.
Caesar Kalinowski:Thoughts and pointers of why gossip is such poison and such a relationship killer in community.
Caesar Kalinowski:First off, gossip feeds a false sense of superiority in our own hearts.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, it's icky.
Caesar Kalinowski:And when we start gosping, it's like we're taking this position up and above others.
Caesar Kalinowski:Secondly, it sows distrust amongst your, your, your group and, and your friends and your family.
Caesar Kalinowski:When your friends or your, you know, people in your community hear you tearing someone else down or even just talking sort of in a not good way because they're not there.
Caesar Kalinowski:Even when painted with a false sense of care, it causes others who hear you wonder what you might be saying when they're not around.
Caesar Kalinowski:Gossip also harms your, I think, your witness.
Caesar Kalinowski:It really does.
Caesar Kalinowski:If you've got a missional community that includes believing and not yet believing people as well, and there's a Oh, there's gossip going on.
Caesar Kalinowski:So the group's having life together.
Caesar Kalinowski:And all of a sudden people are like, well, you know, so and so her and her kids, they don't never, they never with this, or they never bring anything.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't know.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like they're supposed to be bringing food or whatever, whatever that will kill your witness and just undermine the beauty and grace of the gospel and the kingdom of God.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and you know what else it does?
Caesar Kalinowski:It, it destroys your integrity.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, people start to look at you differently and go like why is that person always got something negative to say?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or I didn't think what that person said or did was so bad.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, they're over here trying to build a case.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, gossip destroys your integrity.
Caesar Kalinowski:It ruins reputations.
Caesar Kalinowski:It tears down everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's definitely something that you're gonna want to avoid and you can see how leaking, not being confidential, often just leads right in to gossip.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, again, if you want to go deeper on that, you can check out episode 111, How to Avoid Poisonous Gossip, and I'll go deep into that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Alright, here's, here's another one.
Caesar Kalinowski:I think this is number five.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm not keeping track.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like I said, they're not in any particular order.
Caesar Kalinowski:But here's, here's another community killer is not committing.
Caesar Kalinowski:Not really committing to your community, to the group you're a part of.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're sort of a consumer, tire kicker.
Caesar Kalinowski:You, you really only maybe communicate to quote group night or missional community night, even though you're trying to live like a family together, but not really much of the rest of life together or out serving together.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or you only are around when there's nothing else on your schedule and your life and your calendar and your priorities and your preference.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's, it's not committing and prioritizing the group.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's a community killer.
Caesar Kalinowski:When you've got a handful of families trying to.
Caesar Kalinowski:Increasingly live like a family of missionary servants out on mission together and there's there's some people that are just Not very committed and they don't show up for stuff or they don't their yes isn't a yes They don't bring food.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe when they're asked to or whenever like I said, we're out serving Well, we're a little busy this weekend.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're not gonna be able to do that or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:It starts to undermine Well, what are we about?
Caesar Kalinowski:And unfortunately, the enemy gets sometimes a wedge under that, and that leads to us talking about that person's lack of commitment, which then loops us back into that problem of gossip again.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, I can remember one time we were having a group of people increasingly hanging out together, and they were digging it, and they were asking for more, and Tina and I said, great, and so we started having a monthly, uh, so it was somewhat of a predictable pattern, a monthly, Sort of big family dinner night with all these different couples and their kids and that was going fairly well and people seemed to be indicating they wanted to have A much more regular and consistent, maybe even beyond monthly time and mission and focus together.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so after one of these monthly sort of family dinner nights, we sat down and we all talked about, well, what this could look like.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we're not 100 percent sure, but here's how it could start to be more shaped and have more focus to our mission.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we laid out the next several months together.
Caesar Kalinowski:And one by one, each couple, who were great people and very loving, sort of backed out of everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:They, they just wouldn't commit.
Caesar Kalinowski:And really within an evening, we went from, okay, we're doing these various things together to like, okay, well, if there's not going to be any kind of a commitment, then maybe a lot of that's a waste of time because we want to work with people who want to live on mission and really commit.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so it wasn't a shamey thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:It wasn't a weird thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:We didn't say, oh, well then forget it.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're not going to see you anymore.
Caesar Kalinowski:But it kind of immediately just fizzled itself because of everybody's spoken non commitment.
Caesar Kalinowski:There again, it wasn't evil, but it was definitely a community relationship killer.
Caesar Kalinowski:And here's the last one.
Caesar Kalinowski:And this one is pretty big, and you can see how when this isn't taken care of, it might lead to some of the other ones.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that's unspoken expectations.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, unspoken expectations within the community is a real relational killer and if expectations for how we're going to live together, be together, how often, what we're about, you know, what we're doing, the tone of it all, if expectations stay unspoken and probably everyone has their own set of expectations that may or may not line up with yours or others in the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:When that happens, you'll start to, or you'll continue to have conflicts and hurt feelings that go unaddressed.
Caesar Kalinowski:Without vision and clarification of our values and expectations about who we are, what we're doing together, and why all being discussed, agreed upon, and understood, you're open to a lot of conflict and unspoken hard feelings that the enemy loves to twist and deepen and it'll use to destroy your community.
Caesar Kalinowski:So you're gonna want to discuss those things.
Caesar Kalinowski:Early on as best you can.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here again, there's an episode we did just a few episodes back, how to communicate vision and values in a way that will shape your mission.
Caesar Kalinowski:It was episode 330.
Caesar Kalinowski:Go back and check that out.
Caesar Kalinowski:And by the way, it's very important that the leader or leaders of any community model the vision, values and expectations of the group in their lives.
Caesar Kalinowski:You set the tone.
Caesar Kalinowski:You've got to set the tone for all of that, but don't let unspoken expectations ruin your community.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, we just started hanging out and we're doing this and that, but now all of a sudden these people said they thought it was about that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And wait a minute, why are you expecting that?
Caesar Kalinowski:And I never committed to being able to be here more than once a week or right.
Caesar Kalinowski:All those unspoken expectations, they start to destroy, they'll tear things apart.
Caesar Kalinowski:Many of these things that we've talked about today stem from gospel issues.
Caesar Kalinowski:They really do.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're not believing Perhaps God is great, so we think we have to be in control and that leads to us trying to dominate, or we are trying to prove ourselves.
Caesar Kalinowski:We don't believe that God's gracious.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're trying to prove ourselves and earn other people's approval.
Caesar Kalinowski:So that we start tearing others down and gossiping to, to build ourselves up, or we put place ourselves in the position of judge.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we start judging everybody else's motives and actions as if we are great and sovereign overall and know everyone's hearts.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like.
Caesar Kalinowski:The Holy Spirit's the only one who does, but we don't believe that.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, so many of these things are a gospel issue.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's why we're always saying, wow, grow in your gospel fluency.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's going to change everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:The gospel is the answer to everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if you're interested in growing in that.
Caesar Kalinowski:The gospel fluency that speaks into all of life.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's why we keep saying, Hey, we'd love to help you with that.
Caesar Kalinowski:We'd love to teach you that and how discipleship happens in community.
Caesar Kalinowski:All these kinds of things is what we discuss in coaching.
Caesar Kalinowski:So if you, if you're ever interested in that, please let's set up a zoom call.
Caesar Kalinowski:We can talk about that.
Caesar Kalinowski:We can help you start to learn gospel fluency, apply it to your own life.
Caesar Kalinowski:Current situations to your group, your community, all of that.
Caesar Kalinowski:So again, if you're interested, check out everydaydisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash coaching.
Caesar Kalinowski:But the bigger point here is that so many of these things, these relational killers really do have something behind the thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's a thing behind the thing and it's unbelief in the gospel.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, it's time for the big three takeaways from today's topic.
Caesar Kalinowski:If nothing else, you're not going to want to miss these.
Caesar Kalinowski:And as always, you can get a printable PDF of this week's big three.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's a free download by going to everyday disciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash big three.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right, here are the big three for this week.
Caesar Kalinowski:First, The emotional health and maturity of the leaders set the tone and ethos for the community.
Caesar Kalinowski:How the leaders understand and communicate our true gospel identity, who we are and how we get to live as God's family, will shape everything you do and become together.
Caesar Kalinowski:Life in community on mission is messy, but it can be a beautiful mess.
Caesar Kalinowski:Lead with integrity and humility and let your redemption show.
Caesar Kalinowski:Second, keeping the gospel central in everything, like we were just saying, and the way we speak to each other is paramount.
Caesar Kalinowski:Discipleship, that's the only and one and only mission Jesus gave us, happens as the gospel is spoken into and experienced in everyday life.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's how discipleship happens.
Caesar Kalinowski:We have to keep the gospel central.
Caesar Kalinowski:A missional community is much bigger than a traditional small group, Bible study, or fellowship group.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's a family of missionary servants making disciples of Jesus as we move from unbelief to belief in the gospel.
Caesar Kalinowski:in all of life and helping others do the same.
Caesar Kalinowski:This isn't a social club or a Christian hangout or holy huddle.
Caesar Kalinowski:This is a gospel centered community on mission that we're hopefully building.
Caesar Kalinowski:Hopefully we're a part of.
Caesar Kalinowski:And number three, big three, don't miss this.
Caesar Kalinowski:Avoid unspoken expectations by discussing the vision, values and personal commitment early in the life of your community.
Caesar Kalinowski:Language creates culture.
Caesar Kalinowski:Talk about what you're all hoping for and would like to be able to expect from one another.
Caesar Kalinowski:Your group culture can happen accidentally, that's not good, or intentionally, that's good, as you prayerfully discuss how God is leading you together on mission.
Caesar Kalinowski:But the choice is yours.
Caesar Kalinowski:Have it accidentally happen or intentionally happen.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope that's helpful.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope that encourages you.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope that will help you avoid some of these relational killers that happen in our communities.
Caesar Kalinowski:They can be avoided.
Caesar Kalinowski:And again, the gospel speaks into all of that.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's the answer to every question.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, time's up for today.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope you'll join me next week.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're going to talk about how the gospel changes our motivations and changes the motivations of those in our community so everyone wants to live on mission and prioritize discipleship as a lifestyle together.
Caesar Kalinowski:So it's going to flow right out of this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I think you're going to love it.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll talk to you soon.
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks for joining us today.
Heath Hollensbe:For more information on this show, and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit EverydayDisciple.
Heath Hollensbe:com.
Heath Hollensbe:And remember, you really can live with the spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.