Why Our Advice Rarely Helps
Christians can often get into a mindset where we think everything that is wrong or untrue needs to be addressed NOW! And so with the banner of “speaking the truth in love” flying high over our heads, we dive in with our unsolicited advice.
In this episode of the Everyday Disciple Podcast, Caesar explains why most people really don’t want to hear our advice. We’ll look at what motivates a lot of our advice-giving, and learn some best practices for when we do need to offer help and insights to others.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- The 4 types of advice that we give to people.
- Why we feel the need to quickly offer our advice to others.
- How the gospel speaks into our motivations when giving advice.
- Best practices so people will want to hear your advice.
From this episode:
“Do you give advice because you want to see a person’s pain stop and their situation improve? (Sounds good…) Or so that God will be more glorified in their life? Which, in turn, produces life in the Kingdom of God which is the best life we could ever live. Who and what is our focus makes all the difference in how we give advice and how it is perceived and received.“
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Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Coaching with Caesar and Tina in discipleship and missional living.
Free Discipleship and Missional Resources
Transcript
Do you give advice because you want to see a person's pain stop and their situation improve?
Caesar Kalinowski:That sounds good, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or so that God will be more glorified in their life?
Caesar Kalinowski:See, see how the first sounds altruistic and good?
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, I give advice to help them with their problem so their situation will improve.
Caesar Kalinowski:But what if we gave advice so that God would be more glorified in their life, which in turn produces life.
Caesar Kalinowski:in the kingdom of God, which is the best life they could ever live.
Caesar Kalinowski:So ask yourself, who or what is your focus?
Caesar Kalinowski:Because that makes all the difference in how we give advice, when we give advice, and how it will actually be perceived and received by the other person.
Heath Hollensbe:Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality, and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
Heath Hollensbe:In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle.
Heath Hollensbe:This is the stuff your parents, pastors, and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.
Heath Hollensbe:And now, here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.
Caesar Kalinowski:It is good to be back.
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Caesar Kalinowski:We are opening up a couple of cohorts of coaching space in just a few weeks here.
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Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now let's head into our topic on giving advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:A little on why we love giving advice, but kind of hate getting advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's how it works.
Caesar Kalinowski:And here's what I've noticed as we grow in our gospel fluency, right, as we start to understand how to speak good news to people, and we get excited about this, um, and we're learning how to use different tools and processes to discover the thing behind the thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:in people's lives and speak gospel truth to that situation.
Caesar Kalinowski:I've noticed that in my own heart, and others have expressed this to me as well, we can often get into a mindset where everything we see or hear that is wrong, quote unquote, or broken or untrue, we feel like we need to address it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And now, and so with this banner of speaking the truth in love flying strong and high over our heads, we often dive right into, you know, giving advice, input, and so I want to talk about that today, and believe me, the irony of all of this is not lost on me as I Give you advice about advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now I've done a lot of research on this and author Isabel Gura has written a lot on this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I found really, really helpful.
Caesar Kalinowski:She has broken types of advice down into some different categories and right away that sets me up to, okay, think into different things that come up in life and where I might want to speak truth or feel inclined to give some input or advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:And she says there's four types of advice given.
Caesar Kalinowski:and they're sort of specifically for decision making.
Caesar Kalinowski:We give advice for, advice against, give information, and we give a type of decision support, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:So, advice for is traditional advice telling someone what to do or how to do something.
Caesar Kalinowski:Advice against, imagine what that is, can also be considered traditional advice, but it's, it's telling someone what not to do or what to stop doing.
Caesar Kalinowski:Information advice is, well, just like the name says, it's giving information and options on the specific topic of advice that the decision maker might not know about, or we don't think they do, or it's something we've discovered, without telling them what to do or not to do, but we're kind of passing on a load of information.
Caesar Kalinowski:I tend to do this a lot because I research everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:Google's my best friend.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's also decision support, and that's advice on decision making process to help someone make a decision.
Caesar Kalinowski:So you're maybe reframing things, or you're, you know, asking questions or giving them questions to ask themselves or others, but it's decision support.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes, when it comes to advice within the workplace, we, we reframe this a little bit, but it's really the basically same stuff.
Caesar Kalinowski:So instead of calling it advice, we might call it feedback.
Caesar Kalinowski:I want to give someone some feedback.
Caesar Kalinowski:I was just giving them feedback or constructive criticism.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sound familiar?
Caesar Kalinowski:This term, right, is also used not just at work, but maybe within.
Caesar Kalinowski:like educational, you know, stuff out there, institutional, church settings, professional settings, where we, we give feedback or we give
Caesar Kalinowski:constructive advice or criticism or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:And there are good types of feedback and there's bad types of feedback.
Caesar Kalinowski:As you might imagine, the types of feedback are positive feedback, negative feedback, and constructive feedback.
Caesar Kalinowski:Positive feedback focuses on what someone's doing good at.
Caesar Kalinowski:So you're praising them, you're giving them positive feedback, and you're reinforcing that behavior.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sort of the old what gets rewarded gets repeated, but here's a little caution.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes, when we do that, it can sort of reinforce an icky do to be performance based thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:The person feels valued again, once again, by us or others for what they're doing.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, we gotta be careful with that.
Caesar Kalinowski:All advice we have to be very careful with, as you'll see.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, negative feedback focuses on criticism about the person or their behavior, which tends to be A judgment, really.
Caesar Kalinowski:You really, we're making a decision on something that might be, you know, like everybody has their opinion.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's, it's, there's not one way or only way.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's really opinion.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what happens oftentimes with negative feedback.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, critical feedback is another term for negative feedback.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, you know, sometimes we're just, we're saying, well, we're not being critical in a negative way, we're just being critical.
Caesar Kalinowski:critiquing or whatever, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:But often it's really negative feedback and it might be something very subjective, but we're kind of giving a judgment, making a judgment or giving our opinion.
Caesar Kalinowski:Constructive feedback is information specific.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's issue focused and it's based on observations.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oftentimes, and it's why we call it constructive, that can be very, very helpful.
Caesar Kalinowski:I have found.
Caesar Kalinowski:And general, sort of nebulous, opinion based, quote, feedback or critique is not as helpful as when we can get really, really specific with advice or our feedback or our observations.
Caesar Kalinowski:So it's not nebulous, but it's very specific.
Caesar Kalinowski:Also, when praising someone, being very specific about, I noticed when you did this, or how you said this, you were so gentle, or you really helped that person, and you were patient, and you asked a lot of good questions.
Caesar Kalinowski:That being specific is part of how we bless people, if and when it's appropriate to give our advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:So as you can see, there are lots of forms our advice giving can take.
Caesar Kalinowski:So let's talk a little bit about why do we give advice?
Caesar Kalinowski:I think giving advice is, it probably comes natural to us as human beings.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's an instinct sort of deep within us to want to give.
Caesar Kalinowski:Advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:It makes us feel better.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're social people, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:We're social beings and we've been programmed to share our experiences.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what builds community.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what builds culture.
Caesar Kalinowski:We share our experiences and stories and through doing that, having the ability to help and create change for others, or at least we think so, or we hope so.
Caesar Kalinowski:Even when our friend or family member comes to us with their problems and complaints, it can feel like the natural and right thing to do.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, I should give him some advice!
Caesar Kalinowski:Let's get into this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I, I've got great ideas for you.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, the old God loves you and I've got a wonderful plan for your life kind of thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:We also get to show off our knowledge and skills by giving advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:It feels good.
Caesar Kalinowski:We want to feel like those things that we have to offer maybe have a more significant purpose than only being used in my life, but I think I've been given this or I know this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I've experienced this for you.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, some of us give advice more often than others, and you've probably.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know people like that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Some people give it rarely and other people are free and flowing with their advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:There are those of us who occasionally give advice to a friend or a family member or business partner or someone in ministry and then there are those who are more extreme about giving advice and we give it a lot more often.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's commercials out right now about not becoming your parents and there's this guy that walks around with a bunch of, I don't know, 30 40 something year old people and he's giving advice on how to not become their parents and to me they're funny as as heck and one of the things that's in there is he's stopping this person from giving advice all over the store to people.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well you don't know that person, uh, they didn't ask you anything or they're out in the parking lot and they're like, You know, like air traffic control or helping someone back into their parking spot or whatever, and it's like they didn't ask for help.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're adults.
Caesar Kalinowski:They can drive too.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and so , you know how that can feel.
Caesar Kalinowski:Anyway, most of the time giving advice is done with good intent.
Caesar Kalinowski:However, our own self-interest can have just as big of role.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oftentimes, as our interest in helping the receiver, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Their needs, our own self interest is often right there, and none of us want to probably admit it, or we think, well, not really, I'm trying to help this person, but sometimes lurking back there, there's more me in there than there is them in there.
Caesar Kalinowski:K.
Caesar Kalinowski:M.
Caesar Kalinowski:Brown writes, there's a self protective side.
Caesar Kalinowski:of advice giving.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's a strong statement.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like we want to believe there's a set of rules that'll set things right.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if everyone would just follow these rules or how I see things, uh, the world would be a better place.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if the world's a better place, we wouldn't have to deal with the pain that you or others feel.
Caesar Kalinowski:over the way it is now, or this particular situation.
Caesar Kalinowski:Why does that keep happening?
Caesar Kalinowski:And wouldn't that be great?
Caesar Kalinowski:And if I can tell you how to have better relationships, well, maybe you'll start having them.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then I can quit aching over your life shattering problems, or divorce, or Complaints or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:I love you and I can't stand to see you hurt.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep piling on the advice so we can get past this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm kind of tired of hearing it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if you can follow my advice on frugal living, I won't have to see you struggle to get by on your budget or maybe your inadequate salary.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if you ask me for money, I can, I can give you my two cents instead.
Caesar Kalinowski:Cause you know, I've been trying to help you with this, but you're just not listening.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I don't want to feel guilty about saying no to your request, so I'm going to kind of point out why you haven't been following my advice, and that's why you're in this situation.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, if you do what I did, whether that's to stop drinking or smoking or Fill in the blank or sleeping around or work out more, then you'd be happy like me.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or if you just start going to our church, you'd be happy.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if you'll just be happy, then I don't have to witness your trauma or your wounds that you carry around from neglect or not listening or whatever.
Caesar Kalinowski:Fill in the blank.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, if you just listen to me, You can make your pains disappear.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what I'd love to believe.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if your pains disappear, then I don't have to see it, I don't have to hear it, and I won't have to feel it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Isn't that what we both want?
Caesar Kalinowski:I love that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and, and I think that is sometimes true.
Caesar Kalinowski:I mean, think about it for yourself, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Just ask yourself, is there a self protective side to your advice giving sometimes?
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's another thing where it might be more about me than the person, the other person.
Caesar Kalinowski:Giving advice can also be a form of seeking control.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, it's a subtle form of wanting to gain control or maybe authority over that person because I'm kind of sitting in the seat of authority and advice giver and see I got this sorted out.
Caesar Kalinowski:I got this figured out and you want them to listen to you and do what you say and giving advice in a sense is a way to tell others.
Caesar Kalinowski:what to do.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, like it's, I can't really control them, but by giving my advice, I kind of can, and depending on the tone of how I give it, it could be like, stupid, like, why don't, right, stupid.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, wanting to change someone can often be wanting to control them.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, this is big.
Caesar Kalinowski:There was some studies done, four different studies that were run by this guy, Michael Scherer, and you know, big statistician and psychologist with all this stuff, found that when people give advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:it increases their personal sense of power.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like they, they checked the, you know, all these questions and situations.
Caesar Kalinowski:And after people give advice, their own sense of personal power had increased.
Caesar Kalinowski:And one of these studies also showed that those who seek power, like they like being in the position of power, given, you know, a situation or social environment, those people who seek power are more likely to give advice than those who don't.
Caesar Kalinowski:There was an obvious correlation there.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, maybe, if you've been a regular listener to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, you're making some connections here, too, to like, the four Gs.
Caesar Kalinowski:These four eternal truths about God.
Caesar Kalinowski:And you're connecting this to our very common sin of not believing that God is great, So we seek to take control of things and people in situations in our life and in theirs.
Caesar Kalinowski:See the connection here?
Caesar Kalinowski:And we've talked about this.
Caesar Kalinowski:You can go look up some other episodes that we've done on the 4Gs and about trying to control things because we don't believe God's that great.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or we think He's great, but this person certainly needs my help.
Caesar Kalinowski:God could never speak to them and bless them and manage that for them.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I gotta do it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's another thing that might be helpful.
Caesar Kalinowski:More us focused about our advice giving.
Caesar Kalinowski:We're seeking to bear the burden of others problems and be their Savior.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, I know people like this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I know I've done this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I try not to, but I know some people, this is their groove.
Caesar Kalinowski:And this shows up for those of us who, you know, go out of our way to give advice even when there's no real given dilemma.
Caesar Kalinowski:For example, giving advice to strangers at the gym on, you know, how to use the equipment correctly.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oh, I've wanted to do that so many times.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or telling a quiet person, who, you know, maybe is more introverted or, you know, internally focused that you barely know at a party.
Caesar Kalinowski:They ain't got to loosen up and get out there and mix it up a little more or, or you fill in the blank, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:There's all kinds of ways we do this.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or someone comes to us with a problem and, and we'll move.
Caesar Kalinowski:mountains and really cause more turmoil in people's lives all around us to try to help that person.
Caesar Kalinowski:We take it upon ourselves.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:This also applies for those of us who want to fix and save everything we ever hear about.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then we just take that burden on.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I think there's a self, importance thing that comes from that and It's not a good thing and we can we can hide behind.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, I just wanted to help though I mean look right, but the truth is we're sometimes putting ourself in the place of being Savior now here kind of in all of this.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's the big question.
Caesar Kalinowski:I think we have to ask ourself This is sort of that big, oh, you know, E on the eye chart when you go to the eye doctor.
Caesar Kalinowski:Do you give advice because you want to see a person's pain stop and their situation improve?
Caesar Kalinowski:That sounds good, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, so that God will be more glorified in their life?
Caesar Kalinowski:Hmm, see?
Caesar Kalinowski:See how the first sounds altruistic and good?
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, I give advice to help them with their problem, so their situation will improve.
Caesar Kalinowski:But what if we gave advice so that God would be more glorified in their life, which in turn produces life in the kingdom of God, which is the best life they could ever live.
Caesar Kalinowski:So ask yourself, who or what is your focus?
Caesar Kalinowski:Because that makes all the difference in how we give advice, when we give advice, and how it will actually be perceived and received by the other person.
Caesar Kalinowski:This is big.
Caesar Kalinowski:This is big.
Caesar Kalinowski:If we've been sold a gospel that is primarily about me, and my personal happiness, and my personal walk, and my personal relationship, and it's about my afterlife, and living joyously and floating around in heaven forever, it's all about me, well then that sort of starts to color our perspective too on how we help people.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we'll make it Christian by throwing a verse in there from the Bible or something like that.
Caesar Kalinowski:I want to suggest that if our focus is on not the person as much as God being glorified in their life, that'll start to lead us to the thing behind the thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:and deeper relationship and often we'll realize this is going to take a lot more time and I need to understand a lot more and we're going to have to go deeper and so right now I'm in kind of listening mode.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ask yourself, who are you most focused on?
Caesar Kalinowski:That person or on God and His glory?
Caesar Kalinowski:Now let's talk a little bit about, uh, what are some reasons you may not want to give advice to someone?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like just Couple of things to think about, okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:And again, I have to say, oh, the irony here, as I am giving advice on why you might not want to give advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Anyway, um, first, they don't really want your advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's sort of the default position.
Caesar Kalinowski:People don't.
Caesar Kalinowski:We don't, we don't just get out there generally wanting it.
Caesar Kalinowski:We love to give advice, but we're not generally, people don't really want it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And you know what?
Caesar Kalinowski:This reason alone should be maybe good enough reason to not give someone advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:We should respect that.
Caesar Kalinowski:If they didn't ask, They probably don't want it, because if they really want your advice, they'll ask for it, and sometimes people do.
Caesar Kalinowski:A lot of times, what's going on is people just want to vent, and they just want someone who can listen, and they know it's kind of absurdity, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, Paul does this in Scripture, where he's just ranting about stuff, and listing off certain things, and qualifications, and why he should be, you know, and he goes, I know this is crazy talk, he's just venting, and oftentimes people, that's what their list, they're just looking for someone who will listen.
Caesar Kalinowski:And maybe they, they already know what to do, or, or there's really no decision to be made.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're, they're just looking for a friend.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're looking for some apathy.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, unsolicited advice, when we just give it and people don't want it, it has a tendency to come across as criticism.
Caesar Kalinowski:It just does.
Caesar Kalinowski:And oftentimes we use the why word, like, well, why don't you do this?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, why are you doing that?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, why don't you stop doing that?
Caesar Kalinowski:And as soon as we say why, it's criticism.
Caesar Kalinowski:It implies like dummy, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And people on the receiving end wind up feeling sort of anxious or maybe a little overwhelmed.
Caesar Kalinowski:Remember, and you've maybe heard me say this before, Proverbs 25 says that a word in season is like apples of gold set in silver, like apples of gold.
Caesar Kalinowski:So that means that, that a word out of season, you know, not in the right timing.
Caesar Kalinowski:is not such a golden type of apple.
Caesar Kalinowski:Bad timing is not good.
Caesar Kalinowski:So sometimes you're listening to a person and they may not be asking for your advice and you're listening and you're like, Oh boy, I, I know what they need.
Caesar Kalinowski:I just want to slip a little in here.
Caesar Kalinowski:But based on their emotional level, or the context you're in at the time, or how well you know them, or don't know them, or what, how much invitation and trust you've put in, you know, banked in your relationship, this might not be the right time.
Caesar Kalinowski:It just might not be.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:When we tell someone what to do, or what they should do, or should be doing, or what they should stop doing, we could be unintentionally implying that we know better, and that they may be emotionally or intellectually incapable of making that decision, or knowing what to do on their own.
Caesar Kalinowski:We don't want to do that.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, that's why they don't want advice in the first place.
Caesar Kalinowski:So be careful there.
Caesar Kalinowski:Remember, a word in season, apples of gold.
Caesar Kalinowski:Out of season, not so much.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's another reason you may not want to give advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's, it comes from your often very limited point of view.
Caesar Kalinowski:So we kind of think we know everything and so therefore I got a good advice for everything.
Caesar Kalinowski:But we may not have any knowledge or experience in dealing with a particular situation, like deep depression, or a terminal illness, or the loss of a loved one, or traumatic experience, or how to lose weight because we've never faced that, or whatever, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Think about it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And sometimes just because you've maybe, well I've had someone die in my life, that doesn't mean that you have.
Caesar Kalinowski:all the best advice on how to deal with it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe you grieved horribly or maybe you're still walking through it and that's good and that's fine.
Caesar Kalinowski:So you see what I'm saying?
Caesar Kalinowski:We, we oftentimes come to someone else's problem with a pretty limited point of view and the advice we give only comes from like a very limited perspective.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ours and ours alone.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so, you know, we got to be careful there because.
Caesar Kalinowski:What we're being told by the other person might just be the tip of the iceberg and so we don't really know Are we hearing the whole situation?
Caesar Kalinowski:We're given a little piece of advice here and but wait a minute Oh if you'd have told me all the rest and so here's some sort of best practices, I think for advice givers And it kind of flows right out of that.
Caesar Kalinowski:First thing is ask questions.
Caesar Kalinowski:Seek to really understand the situation and the thing behind the thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like what's really going on?
Caesar Kalinowski:If a person's upset, what is it that upset them?
Caesar Kalinowski:And why did that upset them?
Caesar Kalinowski:And has that always upset them?
Caesar Kalinowski:Seek to ask a lot more questions before ever kind of wading into the advice waters.
Caesar Kalinowski:Come from a place of non judgment and show empathy.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll, I'll just be honest.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes when I'm, you know, a person's complaining about something or whatever, and I dive into the advice, um, I'm, I'm kind of giving it from a position of like, well, this is your fault.
Caesar Kalinowski:Dummy, you know, you caused this.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's it, and I have a judgmental heart about it and there's not a lot of empathy.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I'm just kind of giving binary advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's not good.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's not loving.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that's probably more about me than them.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's another, here's something else.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ask the other person.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, how can I help you?
Caesar Kalinowski:So if a person's, you know, going off about something, they've not asked for your advice and all, but you're kind of wanting to give it or wondering if they want it or need it or whatever, ask them, how can I help you?
Caesar Kalinowski:And they might say, I don't know.
Caesar Kalinowski:They might say, well, what's your advice on this?
Caesar Kalinowski:And then this is always good.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ask permission before you give advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:Could I give you a few thoughts on this, or what's worked for me, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Ask permission.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and you think, well, what are they gonna say?
Caesar Kalinowski:Hey, I've had people say, well, you know, I appreciate that.
Caesar Kalinowski:I don't know that right now I'm in a place to receive it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or, I'm, my head's spinning and I'm really upset about this, maybe we could talk about it again, or something, so.
Caesar Kalinowski:But even if they say yes, what you're doing is you're humbling yourself, and you're honoring them by asking permission before you give advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:This is also one of these big, uh, umbrella things, is seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in real time.
Caesar Kalinowski:I always say, like, as you're listening to a person with one ear, Be listening to the Holy Spirit in the other ear, because sometimes a person is saying this, this, this, and this, or that person, that person, that person, and the Spirit's going, but here's what's really going on, or ask them this question, ask them about this, just don't say anything now, just listen, pause, ask if we could pray before moving on, whatever, seek the guidance of the Spirit in real time, like, as you're going, okay, here's something else, when giving advice, you might try telling a story from your life, Like, wrap up your advice in a story.
Caesar Kalinowski:For one, it's your story, and it's, it, it, you know, it's true.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:This is what I experienced.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's a, it's a gentle kind of advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:But it's also kind of hard to argue with, because at least it's worked once.
Caesar Kalinowski:This is what's happened.
Caesar Kalinowski:And also, people can remember a story.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so if your advice is kind of woven into that, into a story from your own life, chances are they're going to be able to grasp it, retain it, hang on to it, and maybe recall it later when they need it again.
Caesar Kalinowski:Here's a big one too, as I start to kind of wrap things up.
Caesar Kalinowski:Watch the shoulds, you know, don't, don't be shoulding all over people.
Caesar Kalinowski:You've heard me say this before, there is no should in the gospel.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so if and when we do give advice, we don't want to say, well, here's what you should do, or here's what you should not do.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's just, there is no should in the gospel.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's, we get to.
Caesar Kalinowski:Because Christ has done this and this is true of you, or we need not because of Christ and all that he's completed.
Caesar Kalinowski:You feel the difference there?
Caesar Kalinowski:So watch, watch the shoulds.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's so much advice, and even if we don't use the word, and I know with people we coach, they're, they're, we're all a little eggshell y around should.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like we'll say, well, I think I'm supposed, I should do this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I mean, I mean, I, I get to.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, sometimes, even if we're not using the should word, it can come off like that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, we'll say things like, well, if I were you, hear that?
Caesar Kalinowski:And it's just like, well, you should do this, dummy, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:It's not great either.
Caesar Kalinowski:Giving advice, and whether it's ultimately helpful and used by the other person effectively, I think it all boils down to how we make that person feel, ultimately.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, they won't use it, you know, if they walk away from you and your advice, and they feel icky and weird.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Mm hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:But if someone walks away feeling helped and hopeful, that's awesome, and they, that probably means you were sensitive, and you listened well, you didn't push too hard, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:But that's not how it always goes.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sometimes people are a little bit offended, and, and you may have blown, heh, blown some of the above best practices, or, or it could be that you've not banked enough relational invitation and trust.
Caesar Kalinowski:in your relationship yet for them to be able to receive advice in that category or this is kind of hard to hear so Right and and again that might go back to the word in season is like apples of gold thinking It might just be that it's not the right time So i'll bet as you're hearing all this, especially again, if you're a regular listener of the podcast I'll bet you can see how in all of this growing in our culture gospel fluency, that ability to speak the good news of the gospel, like who is God and look at all that he's accomplished and proven his character over and over and look how that's magnified in the life, death, the resurrection of Christ, how that speaks to our identity and how we get to live.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's a gospel fluency and I'll bet you can see how that is so key.
Caesar Kalinowski:if and when we give advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:It really is.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so, as always, I'm just encouraging you to do all you can to grow in your gospel fluency, get the resources, get the help you need.
Caesar Kalinowski:We spend so much time on understanding the gospel and how big it is and growing in gospel fluency with the folks we coach.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it's key to all this.
Caesar Kalinowski:It really is.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, let me start to wrap this up for sure now, and as always, I want to give you the Big Three takeaways from our talk today, and you can get these.
Caesar Kalinowski:You don't want to miss these, but you can get these even printed out if you want.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll send you a PDF of the Big Three.
Caesar Kalinowski:Just go to everydaydisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash Big Three, B I G the number three, and boom, we'll send it out to you and you can print it off.
Caesar Kalinowski:So here's the Big Three for this week.
Caesar Kalinowski:First, remember, the default position for most people is that they don't really want your advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:And knowing this can change your posture right from the start.
Caesar Kalinowski:If they don't ask for our input, they probably don't want it.
Caesar Kalinowski:If they genuinely want our advice, they don't ask.
Caesar Kalinowski:They'll ask.
Caesar Kalinowski:A lot of times, people just want to vent.
Caesar Kalinowski:They just need someone to listen without judging.
Caesar Kalinowski:They just need you to be with them, alright?
Caesar Kalinowski:Second, in giving advice, ask yourself, Who am I most interested in serving?
Caesar Kalinowski:Is it me?
Caesar Kalinowski:Is it myself?
Caesar Kalinowski:Is it the other person being relieved of their pain or getting out of a bad situation?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or is it so that God will be most glorified in their life?
Caesar Kalinowski:Who and what is your focus makes all the difference in how we give advice and how others are able to receive it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And number three, just notice throughout scripture how often we see God asking questions to draw out the heart of those he loves.
Caesar Kalinowski:Think about Adam and Eve right after they sin.
Caesar Kalinowski:Where are you?
Caesar Kalinowski:And why are you afraid?
Caesar Kalinowski:Why are you ashamed?
Caesar Kalinowski:Or with Cain, or Jesus with the woman at the well.
Caesar Kalinowski:See, seeking to understand the thing behind the thing and where the person is coming from in the situation shows them love and respect.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ask people if there's a way.
Caesar Kalinowski:that they think you can help them.
Caesar Kalinowski:And if you give advice or counsel, remember to watch the shoulds, okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:There's no should or shouldn't in the gospel, it's only we get to or we need not because of Christ.
Caesar Kalinowski:Jesus is our Lord, He's our Savior, and He's our victory over all of it.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's where we want to go with people.
Caesar Kalinowski:All right.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope this has been helpful to you.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope you can receive my advice on giving advice.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oh boy, that's crazy, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Also, just, I want to remind you, if you're interested in being involved in some coaching, you'd like to learn gospel fluency, you'd like to know how to apply this in your own life with those that you're discipling.
Caesar Kalinowski:You'd like to know how to build out discipleship communities and multiply them in your own life, neighborhood, in your church.
Caesar Kalinowski:We'd love to help with that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and we'd love to get you into some coaching and mentorship with Tina and I, and, and you and your spouse.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's how we coach.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, if you're single, we'll work with you as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:But if you're married, we really want you to do this as couples because that's how discipleship and mission works.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, we've got some new cohorts that are starting up soon.
Caesar Kalinowski:Not a lot of spaces.
Caesar Kalinowski:We'd love you to join us.
Caesar Kalinowski:At least check it out by going to EverydayDisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash coaching.
Caesar Kalinowski:EverydayDisciple.
Caesar Kalinowski:com forward slash coaching.
Caesar Kalinowski:And there's a little video there.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'll explain some stuff and you can kinda read through how it all works.
Caesar Kalinowski:And there's a little form you can fill out to contact us and we'll hop on a discovery call.
Caesar Kalinowski:I can answer a bunch of questions and see if it's a good fit for you.
Caesar Kalinowski:We'd love to have you in one of these new cohorts.
Caesar Kalinowski:Thanks again for being with me today.
Caesar Kalinowski:I love it.
Caesar Kalinowski:I love getting to do this.
Caesar Kalinowski:I love being with you.
Caesar Kalinowski:I hope
Heath Hollensbe:you'll join me next time.
Heath Hollensbe:Talk to you soon.
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks for joining us today.
Heath Hollensbe:For more information on this show, and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit EverydayDisciple.
Heath Hollensbe:com.
Heath Hollensbe:And remember, you really can live with the spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.