Healing Relationships: Moving Beyond Forgiveness
What could be more important than restoring a broken relationship? But what happens when one or both parties involved in the conflict are unwilling to forgive or trust is too broken?
In this episode, we discuss how to restore relationships that seem too far gone to repair. If the gospel is truly Good News, then we have a path toward reconciliation laid out and modeled by God himself.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- The difference between forgiveness and reconciliation
- Why forgiveness is a personal choice
- How one person can forgive but it takes two to reconcile
- What happens when the other person will not forgive and move on
From this episode:
“Jesus secured for us what we never could earn for ourselves: the forgiveness of sin and the restoration/reconciliation of our relationship with his Father. Both forgiveness and reconciliation! We can do the same in our relationships.”
Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.
Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…
Thanks for Listening!
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Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Caesar and his wife Tina personally coach and mentor other couples (and teams) in discipleship and missional living. Interested?
Go here for more info and to see if coaching is a good fit for you.
Missio Publishing – Resources for a life on mission
Transcript
I think that's the actual gospel issue behind all this, is not believing that God alone is sovereign.
Caesar Kalinowski:Think about it.
Caesar Kalinowski:In a relationship where you're completely in charge, Heath, and everybody does exactly what you say, in the timing that you want it, in the way that you want it, like, in other words, you're sovereign, and they submit to your sovereignty, there's no, there's no, nothing's broken.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's when.
Caesar Kalinowski:We have disagreement when we are both trying to assert our own individual identity, when we're both trying to assert our sovereignty over a situation and someone won't let us, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Now they may have not done it face to face, they might have done it behind your back, they might have created a situation where you lose and they win, or they got to control you, but that's the thing behind the thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm trying to exert my sovereignty, you're trying to exert yours.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm bummed.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm angry at you because it's not going my way.
Caesar Kalinowski:My sovereignty is being thwarted.
Caesar Kalinowski:This identity that I'm trying to put forward, it's not being accepted.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what's going on behind the thing.
Heath Hollensbe:Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.
Heath Hollensbe:In other words, Discipleship as a Lifestyle.
Heath Hollensbe:This is the stuff your parents, pastors, and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.
Heath Hollensbe:And now here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.
Caesar Kalinowski:Hello.
Caesar Kalinowski:Hello.
Caesar Kalinowski:You doing okay?
Caesar Kalinowski:He looked at me like,
Heath Hollensbe:I'm sitting right here.
Heath Hollensbe:No, I'm doing good, man.
Heath Hollensbe:And today, what a topic we're going to talk about as we get into reconciliation and forgiveness.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Everybody needs it.
Heath Hollensbe:And hardly anybody
Caesar Kalinowski:gives it.
Caesar Kalinowski:or has it, or, you know,
Heath Hollensbe:yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:And when we were talking about gossip and just how like killer gossip is, and we were referencing that if you're a human that has ever stepped foot on planet earth, you know, the pain of either gossiping and hurting somebody or feeling the effects of gossip to you.
Heath Hollensbe:It's the same thing with this topic is we might all have relationships that feel like they're far too gone to be restored, but as Jesus followers, we have to have hope that one day everything will be made new, but we all feel the effects of.
Heath Hollensbe:Broken Relationships and Fractured Relationships.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Forgiveness and Reconciliation.
Heath Hollensbe:Hey, let's start out by getting into the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Heath Hollensbe:How would you
Caesar Kalinowski:describe those?
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, good.
Caesar Kalinowski:And they kind of almost seem like they could be the same thing, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:But they're not.
Caesar Kalinowski:They're actually very, very different.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, um, the word forgive means to like wipe the slate clean, to pardon someone or to cancel their debt.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it's important to remember that forgiveness is not granted because a person deserves to be forgiven.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Instead, it's, it's an act of love and mercy and grace.
Caesar Kalinowski:The Bible, Bible uses, uh, a word for reconciliation that here, let me murder the Greek here, it's katalage.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and this, this is the word that we see in scripture as reconciliation, and it means restoration to favor and atonement.
Heath Hollensbe:Hmm.
Caesar Kalinowski:Which is like at one minute, meaning relationship being brought back together.
Caesar Kalinowski:So forgiveness is about wiping the dead away.
Heath Hollensbe:Mm-Hmm.
Heath Hollensbe:, Caesar Kalinowski: right?
Heath Hollensbe:A pardon.
Heath Hollensbe:And reconciliation is about restoration to favor and oneness.
Heath Hollensbe:Okay.
Heath Hollensbe:Now in scripture, we're actually told.
Heath Hollensbe:and commanded to forgive one another.
Heath Hollensbe:Colossians 3, 13 says, you know, bear with each other and forgive one another.
Heath Hollensbe:If any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Heath Hollensbe:Okay.
Heath Hollensbe:So not always easy, but there is the command to do so.
Heath Hollensbe:So God who is perfect and sinless, unlike us, he didn't withhold his forgiveness from us.
Heath Hollensbe:And because of that grace, now we actually get to forgive others.
Heath Hollensbe:And then again, Here's another one.
Heath Hollensbe:I'm kind of rolling here.
Heath Hollensbe:Sorry.
Heath Hollensbe:And again, right at the end of what we call the Lord's Prayer, Jesus is teaching his disciples how to approach the Father in prayer.
Heath Hollensbe:And after, you know, here's how to pray.
Heath Hollensbe:He says, for if you forgive other people, when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you.
Heath Hollensbe:But if you don't forgive others, their sins, your father will not forgive your sins.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Heavy.
Heath Hollensbe:You know, that is really heavy.
Heath Hollensbe:So there's the definition of those two things just from a definition but there's also this.
Heath Hollensbe:There's actually a pretty strong command and modeling of this and a bit of a warning almost from Jesus.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, so
Heath Hollensbe:how would you define the maybe the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation because they do sound very similar and we can see that Christ has even called us to forgive one another.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, how would you go about defining the differences between the two?
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, first one person can forgive but it takes two People to Reconcile.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I read a great piece on this by a writer, Anita Wright, and she breaks it out, um, saying, you know, with God's help, we, okay, we have the power to forgive anything.
Caesar Kalinowski:That doesn't mean that I'm always ready, though, or willing to forgive someone, or, you know, a thing that's been done, and that it's gonna be easy.
Caesar Kalinowski:but with God's help we can.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, and sometimes, you know, someone will do something that's so bad that it can take a really long time, maybe even the rest of our life, to forgive that person completely.
Caesar Kalinowski:But the possibility for forgiveness is there.
Caesar Kalinowski:And here's the thing, it's important, Heath.
Caesar Kalinowski:My capacity to forgive, to forgive someone doesn't depend on anyone else's behavior or permission.
Caesar Kalinowski:The person I forgive can continue to actually be cruel or thoughtless and even be maybe against me.
Caesar Kalinowski:But here's the thing that's super important.
Caesar Kalinowski:He or she cannot command me and my spirit to offer or withhold forgiveness.
Caesar Kalinowski:Because, because here's why.
Caesar Kalinowski:Forgiveness is not about the other party as much as it's about me releasing my anger and judgment on that person.
Caesar Kalinowski:and giving the situation and that person back to God and therefore being freed from that and from the drama of that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:So a person, you know, they may, they may still be against you and they, they've never said sorry or whatever and that, that does not limit our choice at all to say, but I'm going to grant forgiveness.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm going to wipe that slate clean.
Caesar Kalinowski:I get to choose that.
Caesar Kalinowski:So forgiveness is not about the other party as much.
Caesar Kalinowski:As it's about me releasing my anger and judgment of the other person and giving that situation and that person back to God and therefore sort of being freed and set free from that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Which is not nearly, oftentimes, as easy as it sounds.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's not, but, but I think the key thing to know there is that, is the other person is not actually responsible for us granting forgiveness.
Heath Hollensbe:Huh.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's, here's why.
Caesar Kalinowski:Forgiveness is a spiritual act, it's like an internal thing, which means that ultimately we're trusting God to accomplish it.
Caesar Kalinowski:And in fact, my own faults and weaknesses can actually get in the way of my ability to forgive, especially in really hard situations.
Caesar Kalinowski:God's bigger.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:So reconciliation though on the other hand, so I said like forgiveness is an internal thing So people don't limit that from us.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:Reconciliation though because we're talking about the differences here is actually a multiple person process In order to reconcile with another person both of us must first ask and or offer forgiveness before we can move to reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:So as, as both people then are going to need to choose to do whatever it takes to restore the relationship, one person can be completely willing, but if the other person's not willing, then reconciliate, reconciliation is not yet possible.
Caesar Kalinowski:So, you know what I'm saying?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like you say, well, that was really bad and I've forgiven that person and I want to reconcile.
Caesar Kalinowski:but they're not ready to, because they don't see the hurt.
Caesar Kalinowski:Or maybe you hurt them and they're not ready to, like, you know, they've forgiven you, but they're not ready for a relationship again.
Caesar Kalinowski:It takes two.
Caesar Kalinowski:So that's key to understand.
Caesar Kalinowski:I could be ready, but unless both parties are ready and have offered and received forgiveness, you can't move to that reconciliation, which remember we said means to restore.
Caesar Kalinowski:to get back to atonement,
Heath Hollensbe:oneness.
Heath Hollensbe:There's been many conversations where it's like, I can forgive that person.
Heath Hollensbe:I don't ever want to see him again.
Heath Hollensbe:Does the gospel go, yeah, there's hurt.
Heath Hollensbe:Let's handle forgiveness and then move towards reconciliation?
Heath Hollensbe:Or does the gospel allow for us to stop at forgiveness and never really desire to pursue reconciliation?
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, I think that's, man, that's a good, that's a deep question.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're asking from experience here, I can tell.
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, I don't think that the gospel demands reconciliation, and scripture says as far as it be, you know, with you, be at peace with all mankind, right, with others.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so in a situation where there's been conflict, where there's been, uh, hurt, could be gossip, it could just be hard words, could be literally sinned against really badly, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, we are commanded, like I said earlier, to forgive.
Caesar Kalinowski:Both parties are, but we're responsibility for our internal work on that with God, with our own heart, remembering that we're in fact just as bad as that person.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:Maybe we've never done that exact thing, but we have all sinned in so many ways that we've, you know, earned death.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, absolutely.
Caesar Kalinowski:But God has moved in and forgiven us and right and reconciles.
Caesar Kalinowski:So that is, that's a, that's a really good posture to start with others.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, if I hope to forgive specific wrongs that others could, you know, have committed against me, then I need to sort of be practicing that.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I don't know that we're commanded towards reconciliation, but I think we see God does both.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, and that would be, I think that'd be our strongest desire if we really do understand the gospel, that we were not only forgiven, but reconciled.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:But both parties have to be involved.
Caesar Kalinowski:So I, I, I can receive that desire.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yep.
Caesar Kalinowski:But I also have to trust God for the other person's heart.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Heath Hollensbe:So we see brokenness, uh, in our lives.
Heath Hollensbe:And it even, not just in our lives, but it goes all the way back to, I think Genesis three is the first example of it.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Adam and Eve, right?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Adam and Eve.
Heath Hollensbe:So what is the scope of brokenness that we're looking at?
Heath Hollensbe:Why is it, why is it like all throughout human history.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, I mean, the scope is, it's big.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like you said at the intro, uh, I think, I don't think anybody's ever expect escaped brokenness in relationship.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right.
Caesar Kalinowski:And, um, I think we go back to, like I said, Genesis three, you got Adam and Eve.
Caesar Kalinowski:What's the thing behind the thing with them?
Caesar Kalinowski:They're trying to be God.
Caesar Kalinowski:They want to, there's, they want to manage the knowledge of good and evil, right and wrong for themselves.
Caesar Kalinowski:So that's one thing is I want to be sovereign and they try to create an identity apart from God.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right.
Caesar Kalinowski:And what's going on is it's like, I get upset when you don't treat me like God.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:You thwart my sovereignty.
Caesar Kalinowski:And I, I think that's the actual gospel issue behind all this is not believing that God alone is sovereign.
Caesar Kalinowski:And that's what leads to all kinds, think about it, in a relationship where you're completely in charge, Heath, and everybody does exactly what you say in the timing that you want it, in the way that you want it, like in other words, you're sovereign and they submit to your sovereignty.
Caesar Kalinowski:There's no, there's no, nothing's broken, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's when we have disagreement, when we are both trying to assert our own individual identity, when we're both trying to assert our sovereignty over a situation and someone won't let us Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Now they may have not done it face to face.
Caesar Kalinowski:They might've done it behind your back.
Caesar Kalinowski:They might've created a situation where you lose and they win or they got to control you.
Caesar Kalinowski:But that's the thing behind the thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm trying to exert my sovereignty.
Caesar Kalinowski:You're trying to exert yours.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm bummed.
Caesar Kalinowski:I'm angry at you because it's not going my way.
Caesar Kalinowski:My sovereignty is being thwarted.
Caesar Kalinowski:This identity that I'm trying to put forward, it's not being accepted.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what's going on behind the thing.
Heath Hollensbe:So like, if we're going back to Genesis three, we see.
Heath Hollensbe:that God is actually the first missionary, right?
Heath Hollensbe:There's brokenness, there's people running and hiding, and God says, I'm going after them, uh, pursuing us.
Heath Hollensbe:He came after us, right?
Heath Hollensbe:Where are you?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, where are you?
Heath Hollensbe:If we desire to be like God, how do we get to be like him in pursuing some of these broken relationships?
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, well, there again, I think you may kind of almost answered your own question there.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, it's like, When, when our father sent his son Jesus on a rescue mission, okay, he came, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:And on the cross, Jesus secured for us what we could never earn for ourselves, and that's forgiveness of sin and the restoration and reconciliation of our relationship back to his father.
Caesar Kalinowski:Both.
Caesar Kalinowski:Both forgiveness and reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:So for us to be like Jesus and his father, God, in situations where we've been hurt, we must first And I'm going to say with God's help and strength, choose to forgive the other person.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's how we, God chose to forgive us when we were yet sinners.
Caesar Kalinowski:Once these humans, you know, once Caesar stops sinning, I'm going to forgive.
Caesar Kalinowski:No, it's like, well, I'm still completely a rebel jerk to God.
Caesar Kalinowski:He chooses to forgive us, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:So you want, how do we model that?
Caesar Kalinowski:We do that.
Caesar Kalinowski:And here's the good news is God's going to help us with that.
Caesar Kalinowski:We have a spirit.
Caesar Kalinowski:Release their debt.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, and release our own hearts from being the debt holder.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's a kind of an inky weird position to be in.
Caesar Kalinowski:So then as much as possible, we need to pursue restoration and reconciliation of that relationship and building trust.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, that also is modeled by Christ because even though he secured both forgiveness and reconciliation on the cross.
Caesar Kalinowski:We now have to accept that, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:We have to be ready to receive that in faith, or we stay like the older brother in the prodigal son.
Caesar Kalinowski:So we stay outside the story.
Caesar Kalinowski:We stay outside the party.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:So our part is to offer forgiveness, be obedient to the command, remember that we've been forgiven, and then pursue others in reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:They may not be ready.
Caesar Kalinowski:They might be.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:They may not even have known we were hurt.
Caesar Kalinowski:They, they might not know what's going on.
Caesar Kalinowski:They might've thought something just was weird, but you know, they didn't know.
Caesar Kalinowski:And they were afraid.
Caesar Kalinowski:They were, you know, wondering what was going on.
Caesar Kalinowski:So be the pursuer, but knowing that God has to do the work in their heart, because remember we said earlier, both parties have to be willing to be giving and receiving forgiveness before you can move towards reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:But we can be the initiator of that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:What encouragement would you have?
Heath Hollensbe:Um, I'll just share a little bit about, uh, a story I've brought up in some past podcasts, but we had a missional community that was super healthy.
Heath Hollensbe:We moved into a neighborhood to serve alongside some people.
Heath Hollensbe:There was a disagreement.
Heath Hollensbe:And the relationships have gone sour and it really sucks because we have these effects of our kids were friends and our kids still want to hang out, but the adults can't pull it together.
Heath Hollensbe:Now we both claim to be Jesus followers.
Heath Hollensbe:And I've tried to reconcile.
Heath Hollensbe:I've done the forgiveness side of things, uh, in your heart, in my heart.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, absolutely.
Heath Hollensbe:Cancel the debt.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, and I'm like, I just now, I miss you.
Heath Hollensbe:I really want, like, I miss your friendship.
Heath Hollensbe:I just want to make things right, for not just our sake, but for the neighbors.
Caesar Kalinowski:Reconciliation is about relationship.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, for the neighbors, so they could see, like, this is how the gospel works and infiltrates.
Heath Hollensbe:Unfortunately, that is not, both parties are not ready to pursue reconciliation.
Heath Hollensbe:So what encouragement would you have towards me?
Heath Hollensbe:Is it my job as a, as a believer to call the other believer and go like, Hey, we got to get this together.
Heath Hollensbe:Or do I like you suggest a step back and pray that God eventually moves in that situation?
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, I think if both parties are sitting back waiting for something to happen, nothing will happen.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:So like I'd said, if, if, if you've forgiven them, And try and
Heath Hollensbe:pursue reconciliation.
Heath Hollensbe:Then you're ready for
Caesar Kalinowski:reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:Do you know if they've forgiven?
Caesar Kalinowski:No, there's no way.
Caesar Kalinowski:You or others?
Caesar Kalinowski:You don't
Caesar Kalinowski:know
Heath Hollensbe:or they haven't?
Heath Hollensbe:I don't know, but I'm assuming there's been email sent and we just there's no response at this point.
Heath Hollensbe:So I'm assuming that at this point there's we're definitely not at reconciliation.
Heath Hollensbe:I assume that we're not at even forgiveness yet because we're not talking.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Well, let me Um, so that's a particular situation in community, but imagine if that was like between two good friends or maybe even a spouse or maybe your sibling or something, or someone at work that, you know, used to feel like, man, we were a team and in my back and all of a sudden, whoa, find out this was going on and right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Deep hurt.
Caesar Kalinowski:So sorry about that, you know, but let me give three ideas here of ways to move forward.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, towards things when you go, I don't know if reconciliation is possible.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:First is, you know, there's the old saying, let go and let God, I'm going to say, let go and let God be God.
Caesar Kalinowski:We never can control the other person's actions or where their heart's at.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:We just, we can't.
Caesar Kalinowski:And part of genuine reconciliation is to recognize the dignity of that other person and their freedom to respond or not to respond as a whole.
Caesar Kalinowski:you know, she or he sees fit.
Caesar Kalinowski:So release your false sovereignty in that situation.
Caesar Kalinowski:Hey, I've forgiven.
Caesar Kalinowski:Why can't they?
Caesar Kalinowski:And I'm going to go talk to him about it.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, it's like honor their own, you know, personhood and image bearing and they'll be ready when they're ready.
Caesar Kalinowski:That doesn't mean you can't talk to them, but in that sense, God's still working.
Caesar Kalinowski:So let go and let God be God and drop your false sovereignty there.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:Thank you.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:Second, um, give it time, give it space and give it a rest.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay, one of the practices that we see in scripture, uh, that was part of the year of jubilee, you know, the Jews had, uh, this year of jubilee was part of the law.
Caesar Kalinowski:And what they did there was they, they allowed their fields, uh, to lie fallow.
Caesar Kalinowski:In other words, they didn't plant crops in certain fields for a while so that they could rest and then produce much more abundant fruit later.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so everyone involved in a broken relationship needs time to process and heal kind of at their own pace.
Caesar Kalinowski:And real reconciliation can't be rushed.
Caesar Kalinowski:And you know what?
Caesar Kalinowski:And unfortunately often it takes really long time.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:So sometimes you just got to give it a time and some space, you know, okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then the third is play the role of the prodigal father.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, you remember the story of the prodigal father had two sons and, you know, the first son comes and says, I want my inheritance, you know, but dad's not dead, but I want it now.
Caesar Kalinowski:And he goes off and parties it away.
Caesar Kalinowski:Right.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:And when he comes back though, broken and dejected and having spent everything and starving, right.
Caesar Kalinowski:The father runs out to meet and restore and forgive.
Caesar Kalinowski:And it's the whole picture of both forgiveness and reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:So when we think of mercy and forgiveness, it's easy to want to be the son who receives the mercy.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know what I mean?
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:From that story?
Caesar Kalinowski:Like, that's, we always place ourselves as one of those two sons, you know?
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:The one who either split and ruined everything or the one who sticks around, who's got a bad attitude about everything, you know, self righteous, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:Um, I don't know if you've ever read any Henry Nowen.
Caesar Kalinowski:Oh yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Pretty cool dude.
Caesar Kalinowski:He's got a book called The Return of the Prodigal Son and in it he writes that we are also called to play the role of the prodigal father at times.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's the picture of the gospel, right?
Caesar Kalinowski:That father.
Caesar Kalinowski:And part of Christian maturity, you know, us growing up in our faith, is to learn that we are also at times going to be that merciful parent and not only just the needy child in a relationship.
Caesar Kalinowski:There again, that's hard, that takes the work of the Spirit because we're hurt.
Caesar Kalinowski:And we're saying, I've forgiven, but I still might feel hurt, but I also can say, but in the power of the spirit, because of the gospel, and I've been deeply loved and forgiven and restored.
Caesar Kalinowski:I can also at times play the role of the prodigal father.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:So who is in need of our forgiveness yet, you know, who needs our mercy and we may find in extending mercy to others that we actually find the very love and mercy that we were looking for ourselves.
Caesar Kalinowski:Wow.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's really
Heath Hollensbe:helpful.
Heath Hollensbe:The other thing that you just illuminated that I've never thought of is.
Heath Hollensbe:It is a sovereignty, a false sovereignty kind of situation, because in my mind, I want things to be restored so that, you know, Jesus looks great in a relationship to our non, not yet following Jesus neighbors.
Heath Hollensbe:And I'm going like, no, it's God's job to pursue people and lead people to himself.
Heath Hollensbe:Not how much cleanup I'm able to do.
Heath Hollensbe:And so I think it's a, it's a healthy step.
Heath Hollensbe:Just let go, let it have some time.
Heath Hollensbe:It doesn't need to be figured out today.
Heath Hollensbe:And God is Powerful.
Heath Hollensbe:I don't have to be.
Heath Hollensbe:And extend mercy.
Caesar Kalinowski:Even if you're hurt, you can extend mercy.
Caesar Kalinowski:Absolutely.
Caesar Kalinowski:You can be that prodigal father in a situation.
Caesar Kalinowski:Now, there again, how they respond is up to them, and we see that in that same story.
Caesar Kalinowski:One son's running home, dad jumps off the porch, embraces him, throws a huge party.
Caesar Kalinowski:The older brother's like, Wait a minute.
Caesar Kalinowski:You, you never did that for me.
Caesar Kalinowski:You all, and I'm not coming to the party.
Caesar Kalinowski:Screw that, you know, and he leaves.
Caesar Kalinowski:And so he responds completely different.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:And the father's like, but you've always had my love.
Caesar Kalinowski:You know?
Caesar Kalinowski:So there again, we see that full thing of even as the prodigal father extending mercy, he allows the sons to choose do they receive it or don't they?
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Caesar Kalinowski:Are they ready to receive
Heath Hollensbe:it?
Heath Hollensbe:As we close up, I know that, uh, one thing that we hear.
Heath Hollensbe:Quite a bit from people that listen to this podcast is how important the big three takeaways are for them Yeah, I'm surprised
Caesar Kalinowski:like how much people are really downloading them and digging it.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah,
Heath Hollensbe:which is great So if you're not familiar like simple steps You're not familiar each week We give away three things that folks can take away from this discussion immediately And we call those our big three the way you get the free copy of that It's a free download.
Heath Hollensbe:Just go to everydaydisciple.
Heath Hollensbe:com forward slash big three and we will get you those, those free big three download in your inbox immediately.
Heath Hollensbe:Caesar, what are the big three for this week?
Caesar Kalinowski:Remember one person can forgive, but it really does take two to reconcile, but okay, so I'm reminding us of that, what I said earlier, but this starts in your heart.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's what we're responsible for.
Caesar Kalinowski:Your role and first responsibility, just like mine is to truly forgive the other person, canceling the debt and releasing your own heart.
Caesar Kalinowski:Ask God to grant you deeper understanding into the situation and the other person's needs.
Caesar Kalinowski:Pray for his mercy to be yours as well.
Caesar Kalinowski:So notice, take the responsibility that we can own, and that's our own hearts of forgiveness.
Caesar Kalinowski:Sure.
Caesar Kalinowski:Second, before beginning to work on reconciliation and restoration, both parties must first forgive and commit to doing all they can to restore trust and relationship.
Caesar Kalinowski:If only one person has done the work of forgiveness.
Caesar Kalinowski:or either party is not ready to reconcile, well then you'll need to let the relationship rest until both are ready.
Caesar Kalinowski:That's wise counseling.
Caesar Kalinowski:Okay.
Caesar Kalinowski:And then third, play the role of pursuer like that of the prodigal father, God in the garden, or Jesus when he came from heaven to earth.
Caesar Kalinowski:Once you have forgiven the person and you're ready to move forward with reconciliation, Reach out in humbleness, offering forgiveness, and begin to test the waters of trust.
Caesar Kalinowski:Seek to understand, you know, if the other person is in the process of forgiveness, you know, where are they at with that?
Caesar Kalinowski:Are they, have they forgiven you?
Caesar Kalinowski:Are they ready?
Caesar Kalinowski:Uh, are they offering an apology yet, or have you?
Caesar Kalinowski:You know, maybe it's you that needs to still offer the apology.
Caesar Kalinowski:Either way, you can be the pursuer in that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, man, those are really
Heath Hollensbe:helpful.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah.
Heath Hollensbe:Wow.
Heath Hollensbe:This has been, uh, a heavy topic, but I think it's helpful because we've all, like we said, felt the effects of this and, uh, Wouldn't it
Caesar Kalinowski:be awesome if, you know, those listening who have things in their lives just took the next step towards, you know, forgiveness and reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:That would be amazing.
Caesar Kalinowski:I mean, I'm watching the news and all that's going on and it's like, this not only, you know, is, is good news for us now, But it's good news for everybody as a nation.
Caesar Kalinowski:I just want to say that.
Caesar Kalinowski:Like there's no reconciliation globally or nationally without people forgiving and reconciling personally.
Caesar Kalinowski:It has to start there.
Caesar Kalinowski:So in times of unrest, look in the mirror, search your own heart and you, we get to, you know, forgive and be the pursuer towards reconciliation.
Caesar Kalinowski:as God empowers and as God brings the timing and it's, it's a beautiful thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:Beautiful.
Caesar Kalinowski:It's a beautiful thing.
Caesar Kalinowski:And
Heath Hollensbe:you know, I know that you and I are both suckers for story and uh, we have this Facebook group out there that people can join and get approved.
Heath Hollensbe:You just, you go to Facebook in the search bar, type in Everyday Disciple Podcast, and it's a growing community of people that are engaging.
Heath Hollensbe:A little bit deeper on these podcasts.
Heath Hollensbe:You and I both get in there and comment.
Heath Hollensbe:Things
Caesar Kalinowski:we're talking about and they can jump in and ask questions or not.
Heath Hollensbe:Yeah, it'd be cool to hear stories of people that are in this process and maybe seeing what God's doing.
Heath Hollensbe:So we can actually celebrate together.
Caesar Kalinowski:Give us some hope.
Caesar Kalinowski:Yeah, it's real.
Caesar Kalinowski:It happens.
Heath Hollensbe:Thanks for joining us today.
Heath Hollensbe:For more information on this show and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit everydaydisciple.
Heath Hollensbe:com.
Heath Hollensbe:And remember, you really can live with the spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day.